Beauty for Ashes

The One About December

2011-12-13T22:09:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the last final of the semester. I have just over a month of free time. That is to say, no school. My last semester begins on January 18. I'm super pumped on several levels. One, I love - absolutely LOVE the three classes I am taking in the spring. I'm excited about school for the first time in a long time. Two, it is (most definitely should be!) my last semester as an undergrad. It seems a stretch to say that hanging a piece of paper on the wall will actually make me a different person, but I feel like it really will. I haven't figured out exactly how I'll be different, but I think it requires a whole new wardrobe.

Anyway, here's a glimpse of my reading list for the month off:

1. Finish Engage by Nellie Searcy. (I've started calling him Nellie now. Apparently, I'll even nickname total strangers.)
2. Simply Strategic Volunteers. I have a lot of volunteers. It seems I should read a book about that.
3. The Accidental Creative.
4. Thoughts on the Creative Process.
5. Something fictional and really good.

The One About Why I Don't Blog

2011-10-04T21:52:00.000-05:00

Here are some reasons I haven't been blogging:

I've been tired.
I have a tv in my bedroom now.
I haven't been doing my school work. Therefore, it would be wrong to blog.
I've been putting my creative energy into other things.
I'm lazy sometimes.
I haven't been cleaning my house. Therefore, it wouldn't be right to blog.
I've had too many ideas and can't decide which ones to develop.
I've spent a lot of spare time practicing guitar. (Not sure why 3 & 6 don't apply to that one.)

Anyway...

The One About Friends. Or Drama. Or Friends and Drama.

2011-10-04T21:47:00.000-05:00

This is an intro to a post I started back in July...

I said something stupid the other day.

Surprised?

Me either.

Talking about girls and their drama, I commented to another counselor at camp, "See? That's why I don't have any friends, right there. I hate that stuff." Girl drama. And the other counselor laughed, but then made that "Awww" sound that we make when someone says something that makes us feel sorry for them. I was really just being silly when I said it, and was emphasizing the fact that I hate it when girls do drama, but in the two weeks since, I've thought about it no less than ten times. Why would I say something like that?

I came home and the fuel pump promptly went out on my car. Two friends came to the rescue to get it to my house. Another set of friends loaned me their car for an entire week.

And here is what I want to say about it now...

I've learned a lot the last few months about friends. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to do almost anything. Lately I've been saying, "it takes a village to run a ministry." I've need a lot of help recently. And the Lord has just shown me every day what it's like to have friends. Good friends. The kind you consider family. I'm not ready to unpack the last few weeks...but I've learned the value in telling my friends I love them.

"See you in the morning. I love you. We're gonna get through this."
"Love you. Mean it."
"Love you guys."

It's a weird thing to tell another grown up that you're not in a relationship with or that's isn't family that you love them. I didn't grow up that way. I don't remember ever seeing it or hearing it done. But God has put people in my life that love me, and he has knit our hearts together in such a way that I'm amazed. I'm grateful for these good people.

Anyway, I think the original point of the post back in July was that almost as soon as I said I didn't have any friends, God started showing me I do. I love the way I can be His child and He shows me truth in my life.

The One About Disney World

2011-07-16T14:19:00.001-05:00

Best. Vacation. Ever.

The One About June

2011-06-13T21:32:00.000-05:00

It's June. 13th to be exact. I thought that I would be a blogging machine once I got out of school for the summer, but it's been the opposite. Turns out, I do most of my writing while I'm in class (teehee!). Anyway, it's been almost a month since I've posted anything.

I wish I had something meaningful to say....but this is mostly just an update.

VBS last week was amazing. Amazing. Record numbers of kids and salvations. Just incredible. My knee is still crying out in protest, but it was worth it.

We concluded with the usually family night at Splash Kingdom, and for the first time, I didn't have to ride or float or slide anything with Gavin. I thought I was excited about it, but when we left the park, I felt like I had missed something.

Today I spent a lot of time getting ready for the vacation that G doesn't know is coming. Dog groomed, bank, bills paid, general housekeeping items. I'm so excited.

Booked his birthday party at GWL for the end of July. It's gonna be great, and he's gonna be spoiled rotten. Wait. He's already spoiled rotten. Anyway...

That's it. Maybe more later.

The One About Breakfast

2011-05-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

As Christians like to say, God has "perfect" timing. I usually think about God's timing as it relates to things I want in my life, and trying to be patient while I wait on Him to deliver. That's flawed, but I'm keeping it real. Growing feels gross lately.

Today I was really struck by another example of God's timing. I am on a reading plan to finish the Bible in a year. Often, I will read a passage, and get to work and find its a passage the Pastor is using in the week's sermon. Or I will hear a sermon and it will echo a new song I just heard. Or my daily reading will be directly connected to our band devotion on the same day (this has happened several times).

Or, as was the case this morning, my Bible reading plan had me in the book of John reading about Jesus washing the feet of his disciples.

(A quick aside. I love this story, and I never hear it without remembering a time when all my friends helped me move into a garage apartment. Never in my life had I experienced such an outpouring of love and service. My friends, they painted. They cleaned. They moved. They bought me stuff. They unpacked. And I felt completely undeserving. It was all I could do to keep my sunglasses on and try not to talk. And then I have this moment in the yard with my pastor. He asks if I'm ok, and I say something about how I really don't deserve all they were doing for me...and he starts with, "so there's this story in the Bible..." And he talks about Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. And how as Christians, sometimes we wash each others feet. Sometimes we do the washing. Sometimes we have to let others wash us. That was four years ago. I felt like I hardly knew those people then, but now they are my greatest friends. My family, even. I learned what it looks like to love others in Jesus' name, and I have definitely had my feet washed many times since.)

Back to this morning. I finished my daily reading and picked up another book I'm working through, Scribbling in the Sand by Michael Card. I begin, and yep. You guessed it. Servanthood, and Jesus washing the disciples feet. Mental checkmark. I'm listening. You want me to hear something about servanthood. Got it.

There was a beautiful dramatization of Jesus with the basin and the towel. I read through it, then went back and read it again out loud (I was being artsy and dramatic, but it helped me connect with the story).

As I continued reading in the book, Card goes on discussing the many ways Jesus served his disciples, and concludes with John 21, and a section titled "The Lord of All Serves Breakfast."

Post resurrection, Peter, Thomas and others are out fishing...they caught nothing...ummhmm, reading...throw your nets over...ummhmm...reading, reading...lots of fish this time..."Now come and have some breakfast!"

Wait. What? I always thought of this story as Jesus appearing to the disciples, performing another miracle with the fish...and that whole, "feed my sheep" thing with Peter there at the end. I had to pull the Bible back out and read through the passage. I have completely missed Peter literally clamoring out of the boat and splashing to the shore when he realizes Jesus is there. And that when he gets there, Jesus has prepared them breakfast. John 21:9 When they got there, they found breakfast waiting for them - fish cooking over a charcoal fire, and some bread. Verse 13 - Then Jesus served them the bread and the fish.

The disciples are tired and hungry. Discouraged. Brokenhearted. And Jesus is there, making them breakfast. You know that feeling you get when something good is coming true? Relief and wonder and bliss and joy? I understand Peter stumbling, crashing through the water to get to Jesus. He must have been overwhelmed with those emotions.

"Though Jesus is the risen Lord of Glory, though he stands there with scars in his hands and feet and sides, he is there to fix breakfast. He knows that they've been out all night, they haven't caught anything and they are hungry. And so he is there, their Servant Savior. He feeds them when they are hungry. He washes their dirty feet when they are tired. It is the shape of his life."

What a beautiful, servant-hearted Jesus.

The One About Mother's Day

2011-05-09T10:43:00.000-05:00

I have days where I think I'm navigating this single mom thing pretty well. I'll think I've taken care of everything. That everything is cleaned up, paid up, washed up, put up and so on...and it's usually then that I realize - it's him, not me. God has given me a great kid. He makes me look good.

Our MD was spent napping (me), playing video games (him), riding bikes (us and the W's) and sticking close to home. His idea of a perfect day. I would have thrown in some shopping, but hey - it's not like it was my birthday. MD is a close cousin to Valentine's Day in my book, but I still like it.

G got a cell phone last week. He was so excited. It is his reward for passing the TAKS test, although officially the grades haven't come in yet. He was with his dad on Saturday, and he sent me a text at 6:57am, "You up yet?" Man, I love that kid.

Here's my MD gifts:

The One About An Update

2011-05-03T20:43:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I mean, really good. I got the worship planning done, went to Dallas, did a lot of mobile working, got arrested for Kaufman County Crime Stoppers, got some more work done, got G$'s "I passed the TAKS test" cell phone ordered, made dinner, and now I'm in bed about to write a paper.

The a/c is going (gone) out in my car. I'm praying it only needs freon. Pity party.
I plunged G's toilet tonight for 20 minutes. 20. Pity party.

The good news is, once I write my paper, the only thing left for the semester is to take a final on Thursday. I'll be off all summer from school. Almost four months. I am beside myself with giddiness. Here's what our summer looks like:

1. VBS, first week of June.
2. WDW, third week of June.
3. Kids Camp, first week of July
4. G$'s bday, last week of July - GWL

G is getting a Kindle for his bday, and I am SO excited to give it to him. I'm getting it early, so he can take it on our trip to WDW. A very generous friend gave me a gift card to GWL, and that's how we're making that happen in July.

I'm really excited. It looks like we're going to have a lot of fun. I hope there's not too much planned. I'm off on Mondays, and next Monday is my first one where I don't have class. I have three Mondays all to myself before G is out for the summer. I feel a little selfish, because I'm excited about those days. I might just shop, go to movies, sleep, eat out...or maybe just stare at the wall. But I'm excited.

I'm enrolled for two classes in the fall. Statistics (have to have a math to graduate) and an Anthropology course - Society & Culture in Europe (that one just fit my schedule). The stats class is on Wednesday nights, which means giving up acting in Kidstuf for a semester. That's tough, because I love Kidstuf - but I have to have this class, and its the first time a math has been offered in the evening. Its also going to be difficult to balance work, because the band rehearses on Wednesday nights. So moving rehearsal to another night so I can be there kinda stinks for them.

Thanks for the comments on The One About OBL. The convo with G went well. I had to back up all the way to 9/11/2001, but he gets it now. He's so tender-hearted...tonight he asked me to come in while he took a bath and tell him some more about it (he likes to hear the same things over and over) - but that's when I saw the toilet was clogged. So we didn't talk anymore about it tonight.

I have a reading list for the summer...what should be on it? Right now, all the books are ministry/work related.

And finally, a random thing I heard someone say to my Pastor today..."I know a lot about men's drawers." A few questions. Who calls them "drawers"? And is knowing a lot about them something to brag about? Is there really that much to know about - ahem - drawers? How does one come by this information? Of course, he took the comment unflinching, which made it all the more hysterical for me.

The One About OBL

2011-05-02T14:09:00.000-05:00

Can I just be honest? Last night as I sat watching Celebrity Apprentice, I was completely aggravated when a bar started running across the bottom of the screen that the President was going to interrupt programming. Someone was about to get "fired" and I didn't want to wait to find out who.

I don't watch the news (or really much tv at all) so it's a wonder I didn't turn the tv off and go to bed. I was going to watch CA up to the point that the Pres came on.

When they finally interrupted and broke the news about the death of OBL, I just sat there. It's kind of a big deal, and I didn't really know what to do. I immediately thought of Gav and how to explain it all to him. I didn't feel excited, I actually shook a little. I started wondering what my friends and family were thinking. It was late, so I just prayed and went to bed.

Today, I explained to my son for the second time what a terrorist is. I watched him watching the news and as they showed different headlines from different papers, I watched his eyebrows shoot up, and he gasped when he read, "Rot In Hell." I was a little surprised myself. I had to tell him we could unpack that tonight when we get home, but that as Christians, we do not wish an eternity in Hell on anyone. I have no idea how to navigate this.

The One About All the Things I Needed to Blog

2011-04-23T23:34:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to blog all week. Every night I laid down in bed with words and phrases floating around in my brain, and I didn't get up and write them down. I should have, because most of them are forever gone. Here's what they might have looked like:

Monday - The One About How I Should Write My Term Paper - because now it's almost Easter Sunday and that paper is due (10 pages) on April 25. It's not even started. Well, that's not entirely true. I did save a template and give it a title.

Tuesday - The One About Getting Ready for Tenebrae

Wednesday - The One About Tenebrae and Wednesday - What a beautiful service. It's my second favorite service of the year, and it feels so special. I love Holy Week, and how we draw so much closer to the passion of Christ during this time. The service went well.

I was talking to my friend Aaron about this day in Jesus' life. Wednesday, the day before the Last Supper. What was Jesus doing on this day? The Gospels don't tell us, and Aaron said some scholars think Jesus was in hiding because of what had happened in the temple on Monday and Tuesday. I want to know. Where was he? What was he doing? Who was he with?

Thursday - The One About Still Thinking About Blogging and What Jesus Was Doing on Wednesday

Friday - The One About Good Friday - The office is closed on Good Friday, but several of us were there getting ready for Easter. I was satisfied with how we concluded the week, all we got done, and what Easter Sunday looks like. Nervous. Excited. Grumpy. Anxious. Nervous.

Gavin had a baseball game. Love watching him play ball.

Saturday - The One About Saturday - We had band rehearsal this morning, then I went through the sermon several times with the Pastor. Nap. Service at Lake Pointe. Dinner. Shopping. Now sitting up when I should be sleeping.

Thoughts about tomorrow - it will go well. The team will all give their best. We will celebrate the victory of Jesus over death and the grave! I already feel so thankful.

The One About Palm Sunday

2011-04-17T22:47:00.001-05:00

You know that feeling you get when you check your email, and you have one in the subject line that reads, "Overdraft Protection Notice?" No? It's anxiety. Bills to pay, food and gas to buy, and payday is a week away. Stress. Worry.

What about the feeling you get when the phone rings in the middle of the night? Alarm. A bit of fear. It's never good.

What about the feeling you get when a friend whose opinion you care about says, "We need to talk?" Dread. "We need to talk" is code for "you're a big dummy and here's why."

What about the feeling you get when you say, "Where have you been?" and he starts telling you where he's really been? The room spins on that one.

What about when your friend comes into the hospital waiting room, and says, "Well, it's cancer?" Words fail you, and suddenly you understand Romans 8:26 - the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

Sometimes, life just stinks. We have a lot of yucky feelings, and we want to fast forward, or turn back time, or trade places or be invisible...but we can't.

I laid down tonight wondering how He felt on this night so many years ago. Fickle Jerusalem, how she loved him that day. And yet He wept over the city. Did anyone see? Did they look away, as people do when someone cries - confused and embarrassed? Certainly they didn't understand His words. Was His dear friend Peter an arms length away, and yet He felt alone?

I just climbed into bed, put the iPhone on its docking station, and felt that joy inside of not having to set the alarm. Did Jesus rest this night, so many years ago? Or did He lay awake thinking? Praying? I realize I don't know anxiety, stress, worry...loneliness...

The weight and sin of the world on His mind, and with five days to go...was He thinking of me?

The One About Friends

2011-04-11T17:58:00.000-05:00

ST - here you go!

I have a friend in my life who is fighting really hard for me to trust people and make myself vulnerable. He's using words like, "trust" and "vulnerable."

For the first time I'm looking at people differently. I say up to this point I've been a poor judge of character. My cousin says I take people at face value and that I need to have a stronger constitution of the people I let into my heart. Admittedly, I do not know how to do this. I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl and currently I am at "nothing" on making new friends. I don't want to trust anyone, let anyone in or give anyone the benefit of the doubt. To be honest, it's not because I'm angry or bitter...it's because I'm tired. I'm tired of starting over only to be reminded that people change (or they don't change) and that even the "good" ones let you down.

This creates a problem, because I know this is not my nature - it's not the way God specifically and uniquely created ME to be - and also because it's not the design He has for us in general regarding community.

I'm an extrovert. I like people. I like to laugh and talk and do stuff. But lately I find myself doing things alone, and it's never crossed my mind to invite someone. Or I find myself thinking, "when G is home, we should do this or that." Several weeks ago I found myself on the way to volunteer at a conference, and it struck me as I was driving down I-20 - "what in the world? I don't know a single person out here!" Meeting and talking to people wasn't a problem, but I definitely found myself thinking it would have been more fun if I'd brought a buddy. Anyway, I think the reason that I'm writing this is because I'm liking this aloneness sort of, because it feels so safe - and that feels wrong. Confusing.

Praying for healing. In my heart and in relationships.

The One About Passion

2011-04-03T23:24:00.001-05:00

Easter is three weeks from today. I can't sleep.

I also can't breathe. I spent Thursday and Friday in The Fort Worth volunteering at the Passion Conference. I wish there was one pic that I could upload that would say it all, but there's just not. I took a ton of photos, and I don't even know where to start. I got a lot of creative ideas, met a lot of people, and was able to be a part of something huge.

Thursday was the last day of load in. Myself and about 30 other people put together welcome packets for the 9,500 participants...I spent the night with a friend I hadn't seen in months, and we had a great time catching up.

Friday I was on the directional touch team, and spent most of the day standing outside, directing people where to go. The wind blew in my face all day, and evidently I'm allergic to that. Saw David Crowder for the...um...fifth time...

I woke up Saturday and...went back to sleep. Came home early and slept most of the day in bed. Allergies stink.

Gav and I rented Tangled and enjoyed watching that while eating ice cream.

The One About the Truth

2011-03-28T23:35:00.000-05:00

There's a funny thing about the truth. You either love it or you hate it. Sometimes both. In my own life, it's never been the truth so much that was horrific, as have been the lies that have kept it hidden. I love truth, but I do believe that because we are sinful we can't always tell the truth all the time. I wish someone would persuade me otherwise.

There have been times I have wanted to lie, but told the truth instead. Sometimes telling the truth costs you things. Sometimes you lose things because of it. But I've never wished I hadn't told (or that someone hadn't told me) the truth.

I'm thinking about it mostly because Easter is approaching and more than just planning, organizing and creating, I'm trying to keep my focus on all the things Good Friday and Easter Sunday are really about. It's not about a spectacle of performance, stage design, songs, sermons or any of that. Jesus said, "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." I love knowing that everything He says is good and true. Even when I'm wretched, hate the truth of who I am and have a propensity to sometimes ignore the truth when I hear it, I am loved by God who is faithful and true. Always loved by Him.

The One About the Weekend

2011-03-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

Five things I did this weekend.

1. Bought Easter shoes.
2. Had dinner with a friend. Twice. Two different friends.
3. Slept 12 hours Saturday night.
4. Discovered a yummy new summer drink at Starbucks.
5. Rested on Sabbath.

And three things I didn't.

1. Write my debate that's due tomorrow afternoon.
2. Prepare the lecture I'm giving tomorrow night.
3. Get my oil changed.

Check this out:

The One About Me Being Right

2011-03-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

Back in September I told a friend, "I wish I could fast forward six months. I know in six months I won't feel this way." That was seven months ago. I was right!! If there is one thing I know how to do, it's how to let God heal me and move on. Even in moments of crazy my-life-is-insane-and-upside-down pain, I know I'm going to be ok.

I offer a few reasons why I know this:

1. History tells me so. My own history.

2. The people who love me tell me so.

3. I tell myself so.

4. The Bible tells me so. Romans 8:28. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Because I've made mistakes, I want to allow God to redeem those in me and let them be used for good. Several weeks ago, I got a random request to talk with someone I don't really know that well because he was struggling and knew I had been in his shoes. He wanted to talk about his junk, and I wanted to let God use my junk...so we talked. I had to pull back the veil on some of the junk in my past so this person would know I had the authority to say the things I was saying. That was tough. But God used it.

I love what happens at the end of Genesis 50. Joseph tells his brothers - you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. Sometimes people don't intend to harm us, but they do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm others, but we do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm ourselves...but we do. Whichever way it goes down, God can use it for good. The hard part is not knowing how He's going to use it. The beauty is knowing He will, and seeing when He does!

The One About the New Series

2011-03-26T17:10:00.001-05:00

So we are starting a new series on Sunday - Thrive.

This is the first time Allison and I have partnered on a creative project...we brainstormed it and talked about it for several weeks...and the end result was we were pleased but we both agreed, "we can do WAY better." Here's a pic of a design we made for the welcome center.

The series is about ways we can thrive as leaders in the church. The welcome center display consists of about thirty jars filled with dirt and fake flowers hung from the ceiling. The graphic we printed on our large plotter printer and mounted it on cardboard that we ripped and shredded to look worn (instead of the normal black art board that we use for mounting). We hung everything with thin pieces of rope.

In the Sanctuary stage right, we hung large pink letters that say Thrive, along with some three-dimensional flower pots underneath. For those we used cardboard, flower pots that we cut in half, and acrylic paint. For stage left, we made a 4x4 ft. 3D box of the graphic shown above. We used a giant sunflower, metal letters, potting soil and a large garden box that we sweet-talked a guy at home depot into selling us for $10 off (it was a display). More pics of that stuff to come.

Final touches were adding some more stage lights and changing out the lighting gels to green.

We kept pep talking ourselves along the way that we could do this, and that we could do it on the cheap and be resourceful. We did well...we picked up things at the Genesis center, the cardboard we used comes packed in shipments from our printer as filler to keep things from moving around, and we used tons of paint and glue that we already had...and most of the things we did have to purchase, we will be able to use later.

We are looking into exciting new ways to work with coroplast. More on that to come too.

The One About Turning 33

2011-03-22T22:17:00.000-05:00

OR - The One About Things I Don't Do Now That I'm 33

32 needed a makeover. Badly. Today, although it is my birthday, isn't really a turning point, but it makes a good benchmark - something like, I wasn't stupid anymore after I turned 33. Yeah, that sounds good!

1. I don't do drama. My life is drama-free these days, and I love it that way. I've learned how to see drama when it's coming, and how to side-step it. Life is quiet.

2. I don't text and drive. I find it almost impossible. For my own safety (and the safety of others) I've almost stopped completely. (I do still talk and drive...I'm not THAT old).

3. I don't eat sugar or fried food. Ok, that one's not true, but I really wish it was. I'm eating a bag of cinnamon bears right now. But I really don't eat much fried stuff.

4. I don't Facebook, and I don't Twitter. Ok, that's not true either, but I'm thinking very seriously of giving them up. They don't add any real value to my life. I'm all for community and such, but I don't like how time consuming social media is. I do occasionally get info about music and events and such off the Twitter, but I'm not sure it's enough. Yesterday was a BEAUTIFUL day and I remembered what it was like to enjoy being outside, good music, and...well...skipping class. And I kept singing this song by Hank Jr (I'm For Love):

The cities against the county, The county's against the state
The state is against the government, And the highways still ain’t paved
The banker’s against the farmer, The farmer’s against the wall,
Doctors against me smoking, And the devil's against us all

But I’m for love and I’m for happiness
And I’m for “if you don’t like it can’t you just let it pass.”
And I’m for turning off the tube and turning down the lights
‘Cause I’m for nothing else but me and you tonight

Ok, the lyrics don't fit that well, but I like the song and I've been singing it.

The One About the Apps I Use

2011-03-21T16:30:00.003-05:00

Jon Acuff wanted to know, so I thought I would share what apps I am using.

1. PCO - Planning Center Online (worship prep)
2. Pulse (organize blogs I like to read)*fave
3. YouVersion (Bible)
4. 2Do (keeping my boss organized)
5. Penultimate (notetaker)
6. Instagram (photo app)

Others I like but not in my top six:
GoodReader, Facebook, Twitter, AIM, Wells Fargo, Kindle, Flixster, The Weather Channel, SongSuggest.

Ones that didn't work out:
1. Things (to do list)
2. ProRemote (for running ProPresenter in the Sanctuary)
3. Hipstamatic (photo app)
4. Bump
5. Worship Central

There. I blogged about technology. Now you know what apps I'm using. If Acuff stumbles across my blog, then he'll know too.

The One About the Trip Home

2011-03-20T21:28:00.000-05:00

Once we left Chicago, G and I were ready to be home. We stopped in St. Louis to spend the night, and then we planned to drive home from there on Friday morning. I thought we'd be home around 9pm.

Did I already mention the toothache I had on the previous Saturday when we were driving to Wisconsin? This is important here...so my tooth started hurting. A tooth that needs a crown that I keep putting off. I didn't want to go to a dentist in Wisconsin, so I called my dentist back in TX and he called me in some antibiotics and...pain reliever.

Fast forward a week.

I had laid off the pain relievers, but I took the antibiotics faithfully every day. Woke up Friday morning, took my two pills and we went down to breakfast. Gav and I are sitting there eating, and I'm looking out the window...as I turn my head, I feel like it is turning in slow motion and I'm starting to feel like Beetle Juice. (I haven't seen this movie in 20 years or more, but you know what I'm saying. My head felt ridiculously out of proportion to the rest of my body). I was seriously thinking what in the world is going on?? Is this what it feels like to have a stroke? Do you know you're having an aneurysm when you have one? Then I saw in my mind the two pills in my hand before I took them. They were white. They should have been green. Ohmylife, I took TWO 500mg hydrocodone before we were about to make an 11 hour drive! Ridiculous. So we went back to our room and I laid down until check out time. I let AW know about the ridiculousness, and she kept tabs on me all day as we made our way back.

I've been worn out...slept as much as I could yesterday and today, and finally starting to feel normal again.

I tweeted about this when I got home Friday night and @hydrocodonehelp started following me. I blocked them.

Woke up Saturday morning (in my own bed!) and my eye was halfway swollen shut. Weird. No clue. Looked like a bug bite. It's better now.

Strange things happen to me.

We had a WONDERFUL trip seeing friends we ADORE. Loved Chicago. I will probably NEVER drive there again.

The One About the Seventh Day of Spring Break

2011-03-17T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today, we finally found the Museum of Science & Industry. In a word: AWESOME. Gavin loved it. We didn't get to stay as long as we would have liked, but about the time we left, the place was flooded with school groups. G has already asked when we can go back. I was surprised to see that of all the exhibits and things to see and interact with, he liked the weather/science section best. He LOVED it. We had such a great time.

Gavin checking out a simulated tornado.

Me and G.

Me & Cindy Lou.

G at the baby chick exhibit.

Chicago was fun, I was really scared of going there on my own. From now on, I think I'll call that city SHEcago - since I conquered it! Relieved to be a little closer to home...spending the night in St. Louis.

Lots of driving, lots of time thinking, singing and praying. Good things to come.

The One About the Sixth Day of Spring Break

2011-03-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a great first day in Chicago. We drove around for an hour looking for the Museum of Science & Industry, gave up and checked into our hotel. After unloading, we visited the John Hancock Observatory.

Then, we did a little shopping...

And finally, had a great dinner...

That pizza was delish. I'm pretty sure I've gained 10 pounds.

The One About the Fifth Day of Spring Break

2011-03-15T17:58:00.001-05:00

We didn't do anything today, and I loved it. We didn't even leave the house. I did, however, take a shower.

I'm sitting in Cindy & Bub's bedroom, on their floor - looking out at their backyard. Here's a pic:

I've seen pics of it in summer...that is a beautiful greenbelt, you just can't tell right now. It's still really serene for me. You might think its weird that I'm sitting in their bedroom, but I had to plug my laptop into their...um...modem? Router? What's the right word, here? I'm not sure...I have someone in charge of electronicals in my life. I don't know the right words for these things...Anyway, we tried unsuccessfully last night to crack their password to get on wirelessly, which leads me to being connected the old-fashioned way. The box thingy is in their bedroom.

I love these people. It has been a great time here. We've talked about life, ministry, love, people, relationships, pain, forgiveness, repentance...just to name a few. Our kids have played great together. We've rested a lot, slept late, taken naps...It has really been great.

Tomorrow, we leave to two days in Chicago. I'm stoked, to put it mildly. I'm also nervous. I'm a country mouse.

The One About the Fourth Day of Spring Break

2011-03-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we took the kids to Monkey Joe's. It's and indoor bounce house place. For $8 each, the kids played for about five hours while the grown-ups sat and talked. Ingenious! Gav woke up talking about it today and wants to go back.

Last night for dinner Bubs grilled us some chicken, and made broccoli and mashed potatoes. Then he made me a birthday cake. Good, good times.

The One About the Third Day of Spring Break

2011-03-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we were able to attend church where my friends are on staff. Hearing my old friend preach and talking ministry with he and his wife has been so fun. We have done ministry most of our adult lives and it is funny to see how we have changed over the years. He called me a liberal yesterday! But he is too, so that's ok.

I had just about the best Sunday nap ever. I think that's what happens when you confuse antibiotics and pain reliever. I had to have my dentist call in a prescription for both when we got here. I have a tooth situation.

Last night we took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese and they had a great time.

The One About The Second Day of Spring Break

2011-03-14T11:12:00.001-05:00

We visited St. Louis Saturday. We tried to go to the top of the arch, but there was a four hour wait. We are going to hit it up on the way home. Here's a pic.

We finally made it around 6:30pm to our destination. So fun seeing our old friends.

The One About the First Day of Spring Break

2011-03-12T08:17:00.000-06:00

We woke up in Springfield. I'm still tired. We slept good, but G$ woke up early.

It's been a long time since I've been through Oklahoma. G$ asked me if I like Texas or Oklahoma better. I just stared at him. That got me thinking about why we think everything is better in Texas.

1. Because it has that cool shape that everyone knows is Texas. If you saw the shape of Missouri, would you know it was Missouri? No, but I do believe that most people recognize TX!
2. All the way across OK, we saw and smelled smoke. I asked someone about it, and she said they've had a lot of grass fires. So there's that. Texas isn't on fire. In a good way.
3. We have nice rest stops. G$ and I have a strict policy about stopping to potty when we travel. Unless we need gas, we stop at rest stops. We spend less money that way.
4. And I don't know why else we think TX is better, but most of us do.

Traffic was great on the way here. 90% of the time, we were on cruise control and just enjoyed the drive. We are heading out soon, possibly stopping at the arch today in St. Louis. All I've seen so far of Missouri has been in the dark.

The One About Everything

2011-03-07T15:17:00.000-06:00

I have a pet peeve. It's horrible and selfish, and I feel small for even saying it. I hate it when people send group messages via Facebook & I get everyone's response. I believe AW said this made me a "snob" and "rigid"...but I don't take offense to that. Hey, we all have our "thing," whatever it might be. I just hate getting an update from 18 different people that yes, they are indeed going to attend whoever's whatever, wherever it may be. It's unchristian, I know.

We leave on Friday for our spring break trip! Completely excited and overwhelmed thinking about what needs to be done to get ready.

Mid-term today. There is a 50/50 chance I passed it.

Completely jacked up about creative ideas for our series that begins on 3/27 called Thrive. Hopefully some video on that soon.

Easter plans are coming along and I have butterflies. Not that we are doing a huge production (in fact, we're toning it down), but that I love Easter, and I'm nervously looking forward to it.

The One About Radicalis

2011-02-26T23:20:00.000-06:00

Deep sigh. This always happens to me. I dig my heels in and end up feeling ridiculous.

It was decided at the office that some of the staff would watch Radicalis (a live webcast of a church conference in California) on the big screen in the Sanctuary. I knew it coming in to work on Tuesday. And I was grumpy about it. I felt like a four year old on the inside, and while I knew I was being ridiculous, I couldn't really stop it. I wanted to stomp my feet. I grumbled about how much stuff I had to do. I said snarky things (more so than usual). But I still set everything up, and was in my seat at the appointed time.

I sat down in my chair and was at first annoyed because instead of getting right to the speaking, there was 30 minutes of worship first. UGH, why was I so aggravated? I LOVE worship, and it was lead by Gungor, who I like. I fidgeted. I huffed. I looked at my iPad. This was bordering on an all-out tantrum.

That's when it happened. God punched me between the eyes. (That makes me laugh). It is probably better to describe it like this: Kay Warren came out and began to speak and I realized she was quite literally speaking directly to me. It was as if God was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. She said, "God is never ashamed of you, no matter what you've done." And while I know this, I needed someone with some authority to say it over me.

Ok, so God was still standing behind me, hands on my shoulders. I felt like he was saying, "See? I knew what you needed. Here you go. Now be still and listen." I felt all my anxiety easing out of me, and relaxed. I stopped worrying about the things that weren't getting done and realized God had a bigger appointment for me, and that I was in it. Kay said, "You need to know in the depth of your soul that you are God's beloved." Yes, yes I am. I sat there feeling silly about my fit, no matter how much I had internalized it...chin dropping toward my chest, hair falling in my face, because there were people sitting on both sides of me, and I was trying not to lose it. Sitting there trying to hide my feelings was silly too, because when it was over and we discussed it, my friends knew what I was feeling anyway.

It was a great week with Radicalis, dreaming up ideas, planning and looking forward. Was it any wonder that night in my daily Bible reading I read Mark 5, and the speaker the following morning preached out of Mark 5? No, it isn't any wonder.

The One About A Boring Saturday

2011-02-26T22:50:00.000-06:00

It was a typical Saturday.

Five Things I Did Today:
1. Went to Upward (G$ scored 2).
2. Produced my first wedding at the church.
3. Bought new shoes.
4. Drank a pot of coffee.
5. Encouraged a friend.

And Three Things I Didn't:
1. Write my paper for Bioethics.
2. Do my reading assignment for British Lit.
3. Eat an entire meal. I'm starving.

The One About Valentine's Day

2011-02-22T10:05:00.000-06:00

I didn't want to blog about V-Day right away, lest I seem bitter (which I am) or cynical (which I also am). But here it is. The top five reasons I think Valentine's Day is dumb, plus a little bit of other stuff.

5. It's a commercial holiday. I feel the same way about Mother's Day. It's made up. It's lame. Let's celebrate in July or August. That would be more...creative?

4. It's predictable. Flowers. Candy. Dinner. (Can I say that, since I'm the only one who knows I gave Gavin Hershey's kisses and a teddy bear?) Get outside the box, people. A new pair of heels. Some new makeup. A new car.

3. It's a let-down. I don't like knowing a surprise is coming, or to expect something special to happen. Maybe I just set my expectations too high.

2. It alienates people. See Mother's Day.

1. It's dumb because I said so.

And there you go! But really...who doesn't love Love and being in love? In reading a book recently, I got to thinking about that soft line between being friends and being in love. Falling in love with the person who you know is your best friend in the whole world is a great feeling. I'm thankful to have felt it. Trust and love and friendship are worth celebrating, even if the whole world is doing it by the calendar.

I Corinthians 13:13
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Ten Things I Did Not Do Yesterday

2011-02-22T01:24:00.000-06:00

Because, as you know, I like to make lists.

10. Wash my hair.

9. Take a shower.

8. Expect to admit 10 and especially 9 on the world-wide internet machine.

7. Eat well. I said I was going to, but I didn't. #Whataburger.

6. Get my eyebrows waxed.

5. Yell at my kid.

4. Pay attention in Bioethics.

3. Stop talking in British Lit. (Yes, I am that girl. I love talking about the books so much, I don't realize everyone is whipped until we have a break, and I hear someone say, "I hate this.")

2. Expect to hear from an old friend (which I did) or expect to hear back from another old friend (which I didn't).

1. Go to bed at a decent hour.

Tony Nolan...??

2011-02-21T17:09:00.004-06:00

When Tony Nolan popped up as the speaker at Winter Jam, his name was familiar. (As a brief aside, I did for a moment think, “Really? A guest speaker at a concert?” But that was me being sinful.) I googled him. I searched his face. I couldn’t place him. His testimony was not familiar either. Nothing but the name. He is, I guess, an evangelist? Driving in to Dallas this morning, I was still thinking about what he said on Friday night.

Here is the gist: He was promoting adoption through Holt International (something like the more-familiar-to-me Compassion International). He told the story of how his mother sold him for $200 when he was a baby. He was a troubled teen and his adopted father once told him he regretted spending the money. I thought he was pushy, witty, a bit hokey, and very engaging.

The pushy part came in the promotion of Holt Int’l. He, having two adopted children of his own, all but said you don’t love Jesus if you don’t adopt a child. He didn’t actually say that, but that’s what it felt like. I was torn between acting offended and adopting the first child I could find to prove how much I love God. I did neither.

Ah, but back to the gist: He said, “Satan is a HURT DEALER. You wanna talk about ‘hide you kids, hide yo wife?’ we need to hide er’rybody!” That made me lol. A lot. But then he said, “let me introduce you to the HURT HEALER” and that made me cry. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why do I forget this? I didn’t even know I needed to be reminded. Then I noticed the lady on my left was crying too. I guess we all need to be reminded sometimes.

Sometimes, you get hurt and you carry it around a long time...then one day you realize you’re feeling whole again. And He reminds you why - because he is the Hurt Healer.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted, and bandages their wounds.

Indeed He does!

This Good Day

2011-02-19T22:02:00.000-06:00

My Gavin and I have had a great weekend. We went to WinterJam last evening at AAC. There is not much I love more than singing (Perhaps shouting in this case. Ok, and jumping.) with wreckless abandon to our Lord. And no one I like more to lead me in worship that DC*B. Gavin enjoyed himself, we became new fans of Chris August, and listened to his CD all day today. We stayed up late (11pm) having a snack and watching tv. The late night eating and tv was a treat for him and he very much enjoyed it.

This morning I woke up with a headache and so, super grumpy. Gavin woke me up no less than five times, and I finally snapped when he woke me to show me two fruit snacks melted together. I felt better once I was up, and my mood continued to improve once I saw how beautiful it was outside.

We went to Upward (he scored five points), washed the car where he kept saying, "this is so fun!" and came home. I cleaned the grill and fired it up to test it out. Gavin swept the garage and sorted laundry. We made lunch at home. We saw Gnomeo & Juliet, picked up some groceries, and had dinner back at the house. We loved our day.

Kay Lynn Loves Bubba

2011-02-17T21:43:00.000-06:00

When I was in fourth grade, I attended a small private school in Palmer, Texas. One day at the beginning of school, I was called to the principle's office. I trembled in the presence of authority (back then). I was a rule follower, plain and simple.

It would seem someone had written "Kay Lynn loves Bubba" on the bathroom wall. Naturally, the first assumption would be that I was the one who had done the writing, and while it is true that I did indeed 'love Bubba,' I was not the one who had committed this act of graffiti. It was a small school and before the morning was over, almost every girl had seen what was written on the bathroom wall. I. Was. Mortified.

Even though I knew I was innocent, there was still that shadow of suspicion over me. That was a heavy burden, knowing I was telling the truth, but also knowing everyone didn't fully believe me. Before the end of the day, for whatever reason, someone confessed. It was my best friend Sarah. She admitted to writing it on the wall out of jealousy. She cried and apologized, and I told her it was ok, I wasn't mad, that we were still friends.

And that is the first time I ever remember forgiving someone.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I have forgiven much since then, and definitely had much forgiven me. Sometimes its easy. Sometime its hard. Sometimes I do it in spite of myself. The worse things to forgive are the ones you have to do over and over, when you look down and realize, "Oh, I've picked that up again," and you have to very deliberately begin new. I realized Wednesday there were some things I had stopped carrying around. What a great feeling.

All Things Random

2011-02-07T21:44:00.000-06:00

I'm behind. I'm behind on writing. I'm behind on music. I'm behind on planning at work. I'm behind on reading the three (four?) books I'm trying to get through.

Things are weird. Nikki's leaving. New people coming in.

School is going great, and the last three Mondays I have come home feeling like I learned something. And I don't want to die like I did last semester. Instead of going three days a week, all my classes are on Monday. We have a new lease on life.

Facing challenges in Arts Ministry and loving every minute of it. And I keep staring at the note on my desk that says "My ministry is the product of my relationship with Christ." John 15:4-5, Colossians 3:16-17. I sit down, I read it, and I go, "yikes". But in a good way. Its motivational.

Missed G dreadfully today. Three ice/snow days last week followed by a weekend together had me looking around for him all day.

On Jesus and Stuff

2011-01-27T19:36:00.001-06:00

I read a lot of blogs. Mostly through Pulse, my favorite app for iPad. I read them to stay up to date on technology, music, arts and such, but mostly, I read them looking for inspiration. I love having "Aha!" moments, like I did when I read this: http://www.blainehogan.com/post/1425158676/landing-planes
But lately I've noticed what feels like people saying things so for sure and certain, that I wonder what makes a person an "authority" on something. When does someone become and expert? Can all the Ph.D.s in the world make you an expert on Jesus? Do we have it all figured out? Or do we just sound like we think we do?

I'm asking myself these questions tonight: what did Jesus' type of forgiveness look like? Was it, "I forgive you but I'm never gonna look at you again?" Was it, "I forgive you, but I'm going to remind you of it every five minutes?" What does Jesus' grace look like? What does his compassion look like? I think I know what it would look and feel like, and I hope I can emulate that, but I know I often don't. Let me not speak with such authority that I sound like I'm not still a sinner.

I ain't no better than anyone else.

2011 Music So Far

2011-01-25T15:29:00.001-06:00

I don't blog or tweet every album I buy, but music feels good so far this year. What I'm listening to right now:

Brandon Heath - Leaving Eden (The Light In Me, It's Alright, It's No Good to Be Alone)

Kristian Stanfill - Mountains Move (Lord Almighty, Day After Day, Say, Say...ok, the whole thing).

And this album is from last summer, but it has the perfect song for our Sabbath series:

Audrey Assad - The House You're Building (Restless, Run Forward)

Restless

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

On Trust

2011-01-20T20:43:00.002-06:00

I was thinking today about wise words from my friend Kim. She is a kind lady, full of grace and southern hospitality. She and I were talking before Christmas about a difficult time I was having trusting someone. I had a million reasons to never trust or believe anything this person would ever say, and Kim's advice: what if you decided to trust until your trust is broken again? Otherwise you will never break out of this cycle.

It seems so simple, and yet it shook me. I knew instantly she was right and it was a way to break out of the anger and resentment I was feeling for ever having my trust broken in the first place. I know other people who operate this way, and give the benefit of the doubt easier than I do. I'm not saying this will work for every situation of broken trust, and it does put a person at risk, but it worked in this situation and I broke out of the bondage I was feeling.

Daily Bible Reading

2011-01-20T18:43:00.000-06:00

Which is worse? Knowing I need to do my Bible reading for the day and just not doing it? Or forgetting to read completely? I forgot. I knew it would happen eventually. Wednesday is a long day (in a good way) but that is no excuse. I usually do my reading for the day when I get in bed at night. Last night I was doing some reading and writing, but turned the light out and went to sleep. I didn't have another thought about my quiet time until this morning. Poo. Not only is my goal to read through the Bible in a year, I wanted to read it every day.

Holy Spirit

2011-01-17T14:27:00.001-06:00

I am so excited about our new series. It's on the Holy Spirit. To a friend I once exclaimed, "I love the Holy Spirit!" and it made him laugh. But it's true. That we have this near side of God that is literally inside of us and all around us is amazing and exciting to me. This image of the Holy Spirit being the "near side of God" comes from Calvin Miller in Loving God Up Close. The HS makes God personal to me. He is literally right here; my friend, my comfort, my conviction, my counselor.

I like what Francis Chan said about understanding the HS. "The point is not to completely understand God but to worship him. Let the very fact that you cannot know him fully lead you to praise him for his infiniteness and grandeur." Whew. This Holy Spirit thing can be confusing. I love knowing I don't have to get it all. I'm not supposed to! There is so much of God that is mysterious and wonderful to me.

Sunday Pastor Brent preached about the wind of the HS. The wind is the soul of nature. I don't know that I will ever see leaves blowing or have the wind blow against me or see trees swaying and not think of the HS. Something we can't touch but we know it's there. I love that!

Sometimes the spirit comes as a rushing wind. Sometimes a breeze. Sometimes a whisper. In the words of Pastor Brent, we should welcome the spirit on any way it wants to come.

Its also fun and challenging to find the right songs for each week. Yesterday, we redid a Mercy Me song from 1998. Jimmy practically rewrote all the music for it because it was pretty cheesy. It turned out really well. We are having to go old school with a lot of the music to find Holy Spirit songs that the congregation will know, but there are also several new songs I have come across that will work well as specials. Excited.

I Wouldn't Call it a Bust

2011-01-15T19:36:00.001-06:00

The first sabbath didn't last a full 24 hours, but I feel really good about the day. I slept until 10:30, then spent the better part of the morning and afternoon alternately snoozing and reading. Some people are against tv on Sabbath, but I watched a lot of Expedition Wild too.

We added a song to the worship set late in the week, and I forgot to load up the chart and mp3 so I had to run up to the church and do that. Someone else needed something as well, which ended in me cleaning out a popcorn machine. But I realized the spirit in which these things were done felt joyful. That is so much better than feeling like it's "my" day and being resentful about how I spent the time God gave me.

I think Sabbath days will be different (very) when Gavin is here. It will be a huge blessing for us. He loves quality time.

Not sure how today could have gone any better. I could bring home my laptop in the future. Then what took 15 minutes would have only taken 1. I can think about it more in advance, plan for it. Baby steps.

Sabbath

2011-01-14T21:18:00.000-06:00

We met with Emily Prevost in staff meeting this week to talk about our up-coming series on Sabbath. She has a Ph.D. and I have no idea how old she is but I loved her and thought she was so cute and felt like her mom.

As she unpacked this idea (commandment) of observing the Sabbath, I began to feel a little overwhelmed. Sabbath for me should be Monday, since that is my day off. But I realized right away that I will have six hours of school on Monday's beginning in a week. That doesn't feel very Sabbaticalish. I'm giving 9pm Friday through 9pm Saturday a trial run.

She had lots of ideas and guidelines and suggestions for how to observe this day without it being legalistic. I am going to try and get into the routine of it before we roll out the series. It's going to be hard. Sometime tomorrow I'm going to want to go get a diet coke from Sonic. And you know what that means. Exchanging money. Which is a no-no. The hard part is going to be making the guidelines and the conviction I will feel if I break them.

I don't have my notes with me right now, but the thing I came away with was: Sabbath doesn't just happen. We have to plan it. I'm looking forward to figuring this out.

I like the idea of starting Sabbath with a feast (tonight I started it with a large Diet Coke). And finding a special way to end it. And love the idea of sharing this with Gavin. There will be more on this.

First Day of the New Year

2011-01-11T20:23:00.000-06:00

Was the first day of the new year supposed to be 1/11/11? It felt like to me the year finally got started today. I got back to work, and we started making plans for a great new series on the Holy Spirit. I'm so excited about it! The music is challenging, and we are stretching our minds with creative ideas...I'm thankful to be a part of such a wonderful team.

We welcomed a new staff member today, Wes Hill. That was odd, and who knew it would be such an emotional moment in church Sunday when the church voted him in and he accepted? We had looked for over a year to find him, and now his welcome has come and gone. He's official, I set his email up today!

Nikki came back to work, newly married, so that is different too. She's very happy, and all smiles.

New marriages, new staff, new series, new music. New beginnings. A God who makes all things new.

Snow Day 2011

2011-01-10T20:26:00.001-06:00

Staff had lunch at the Pastor's house yesterday to welcome a new member to the team. As I was driving out there, it was already snowing. I don't have great tires, and we slid twice. When I got there, I texted Amy to see if they would come get G and me (their house was close, roads not as dangerous). So after lunch was over, she and KW picked us up. We had a fun evening just being with them. We really like packing up and staying with them whenever the opportunity comes along. G & Jeb got along great, played in the snow, made videos and camped out in the den. Good times.

I woke up grumpy today. Short tempered. Not sure why. When I feel this way, my prayer is just this: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...over and over.

We are not equipped for snow in Texas. Maybe that was why I was grumpy. I thought it was beautiful and peaceful but messy and wet. Our clothes aren't right for it. Jeans get wet, and wearing wet jeans is a hell clip for me. Our gloves aren't right for it either. Most of them are knit. G notices none of this, or if he does, he doesn't care.

After last February's record 11 inches of snow, I've had to tell him several times that we probably won't ever see snow like that again. That it might not even snow at all this year. So much for that. Yesterday's snow was great. Lots of it, and it lasted, and he's had two days of playing in it. Today we put together a jigsaw puzzle, had a snowball fight and drank hot chocolate. What started out as a grumpy day is ending very nicely.

When we were out playing this evening, it started snowing again. Small flakes, as opposed to yesterday's giant ones...and it was so quite and peaceful. When I think of the "Peace of Christmas" I always think of snow...when Jeff Berry was with us several weeks ago, he and Julie sang this song:

You could've come like a mighty storm

With all the strength of a hurricane

You could've come like a forest fire

With the power of heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or in an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could've come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things we've scarred

Oh oh but You came like a winter snow
You were quiet You were soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Beautiful. Maybe my favorite song of Christmas. I'm singing it tonight.

iHomes and Reading

2011-01-06T22:10:00.002-06:00

I got an iHome for Christmas.
For over a year now, I haven't had anything beside my bed to tell me the time. If I wanted to know what time it was I had to look at my phone. Needless to say, it wasn't often I looked at my phone in the middle of the night to check it.
But I really wanted an iHome, mainly to play music (loud), and planned on buying one after Christmas was over. Instead, a friend gave me one for Christmas. Nice gift, right? I have great friends.
Weird thing. It is driving me semi-crazy at night. I can't stop looking at it. I look at the time all night now. And I wake up A LOT. It has four brightness settings. "Not very bright," "bright," and "land your helicopter here." Then my favorite one: off. You can turn off the backlight completely. But then when it's off, I still know the clock is there, and I can't resist the urge to put it on "not very bright" so I can see the time. It's like that scene from Castaway where Tom Hanks keeps flicking his flash light off and on to look at his picture of Helen Hunt. Obsessive.
It is the same experience I have when I'm supposed to be reading a book and it sits on my nightstand mocking me. I hate being behind on reading, and when I'm trying to get through a book I carry it with me everywhere in hopes of grabbing a minute or two of solitude. I am currently reading three books: my Bible, Sun Stand Still & Loving God Up Close. I am on day six of my read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan. I'm doing great so far and six days may not sound like much, but it's good for me. I'm the worst about procrastinating, and I talk myself out of things, thinking I will do them later (or is that the definition of procrastinating?). I didn't want to write (or tweet) anything about resolutions, so I guess I made one goal this year. Only one. Read through my Bible. I'm pleasantly surprised that giving it the attention in deserves keeps my Bible from mocking me.
Our virtue for Kidstuf for the month is determination: seeing it's worth it to finish what you started. How apropos.

The Lie

2010-12-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

There is a lie I tell myself. It is the same lie and I tell it over and over. And I've told myself this lie for years. I like to paint. Except I don't.

Seriously. Does anyone like to paint? Professional painters are miserable, right? Every time I decide I need to paint a room, the same thing happens. I'm in hog heaven picking out colors and planning and matching and decorating. But then it comes time to get out the painters tape and that old feeling creeps in. How I'm gonna get paint in my hair, ruin a set of clothes, not have a paper towel when I need one, and probably run out of paint before its done.

These are the mistakes I usually make:

Not buying Behr paint. Its really the best and yesterday for my paint project, I went to Ace. *Regret.

Not getting everything I need together before I start. I need a paper towel. I need some music. I need a drink. I need the toolbox.

I get put out with it before I'm done and start trying to apply coats on top of not-dry coats.

Not taping everything off because I think, "Oh, that doesn't look that hard."

Recently, when staying in a house belonging to some friends, I told them I would finish up some painting for them. I even said, "Oh, I don't mind! I love to paint!" Then I had an out-of-body experience where I looked at myself and said incredulously, "No you don't!". I'm ridiculous.

I thought about this the whole time I was painting Gavin's bathroom. And finally when I was done, I realized why I do it. When it was all complete, everything was put back and finished up, I stopped and stood in the doorway of the bathroom about ten times admiring how much better it was. From crimson red to a very pale yellow. Much better. It was all about the end result.

Behind Every Fantasy

2010-12-27T22:06:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of books to read the next three weeks before school starts again. I should finish The Heart of the Artist tomorrow and move on to one of five more books I'm going to try and get through. I read this tonight:

Behind Every Fantasy

Fooled again. What I thought was paradise
Turned out to be nothing more than lies
I've learned my lesson, now I read between the lines
'Cause the truth is sometimes hard to find

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

Peace of mind for tomorrow and today
All depends on the choices that we make
All that glitters is not always gold
And what's hidden eventually gets told

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

- Rory Noland

Christmas Movies

2010-12-22T22:43:00.000-06:00

We have watched a lot of Christmas movies this season. Elf, Fred Clause, Snow Buddies, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Polar Express...those are the ones we watched together. And of course I watched It's a Wonderful Life. And we have seen scores of Christmas specials from our friends on Disney and Nickelodeon. Well, tonight I got it in my head that I wanted to watch The Passion of the Christ.

That didn't go over too well at first. Gav was quick to point out that, "we've already seen that movie!" To which I responded with a dead stare. Seriously, how many times have we seen the episode of iCarly where Spencer starts pranking people and can't stop? Or the one where the gang gets locked in a crazy girls basement? Or the one where they go out in the woods looking for Bigfoot? We have seen those a lot. A lot lot. That doesn't even include repeat episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place, Big Time Rush or Hannah Montana. So I just gave him the look.

And then he said, "I thought we were going to watch a Christmas movie?"

Me: Who is The Passion about?

Him: Jesus

Me: Who is Christmas about?

Him: Jesus. (This he said with resignation, because he realized I had won.)

Me: Great, let's watch it.

I know I get accused of "throwing blood on the manger," but the cradle and the cross just go together if you ask me. I'm happy to throw swaddling clothes on the cross at Easter if that makes anyone feel better.

I love watching The Passion with Gavin. Love it. He asks so many questions. How long did it take? Why is she crying? Why are they doing that? We look stuff up. We compare texts. We talk about how we might have felt if we had been there.

This time was different from when we watched it at Easter, because he exclaimed at things. He really responded to what he saw. And it was awesome to see how much he remembered from the last time. I had explained to him about death by crucifixion, and he told me all about it. He remembered other things too, and asked me about them.

So we discussed tonight how Christ came for a reason. He was born that we may have life. Not just born for you or Gav, or the right, or the strong, or the good, or the smart...but for all of us sinners who don't deserve what he did.

Beauty for Ashes

2010-12-22T07:00:00.002-06:00

The blog needed a name. It's just had my name on it since I created it. I have thought for a long time about it, and really hoped for something witty, catchy or creative. God gave me a verse instead.

Does this every happen to you, where a verse will pop into your head, and you can't really remember the whole context of it or where it is? And then later, you think of it again...and still don't remember all the details, until finally you think of it one more time, and look it up? That's what happened to me. I finally looked up beauty for ashes. The heading over this chapter in my Bible says, "Good News for the Oppressed."

Let me be clear. I am not oppressed. I do not feel sorry for myself. Maybe the last few years have been hard, but like I've said in the past, even when I don't feel like I'm choosing God, I believe He is always choosing me.

I do subscribe to Beth Moore's analogy of the pit. I have been thrown into one, but I've also slid in and jumped in as well. And there is no where I've gone or anything I've done that God hasn't lifted me out of it. I have celebrated her book, Get Out of that Pit and I also celebrated Elevation Church's album Kingdom Come. I've loved those this year, as they have reminded me of God's promises.

Last Thursday night at Chris Tomlin's Christmas concert, Louie Giglio reminded me one more time about how good God is. He made a statement about how there were people in the room who were dreading this Christmas. That for some, it would be the first Christmas without a loved one. For some, it would be Christmas without a job. For others, the first Christmas with cancer. For others still, the first Christmas alone since a divorce. But God became flesh and dwelt among us - and that no matter where we are, there is no place that His arm can't reach us.

Anyway, what a lot of rambling. All that to say, part of what God does is heal the brokenhearted. He gives us beauty for ashes. Joy instead of sadness. And I'll let that be my story and testify to how He always does that for me.

What I've Learned

2010-12-21T19:53:00.000-06:00

The last six months of my job have been amazing. It has been difficult...at times very difficult. I like to plan out my days (ok, my week) in advance, and it seldom (ever?) happens that they go the way I've planned. I used to joke up about how inflexible I am, and would try to keep my cool when changes came. Over these past months, I can honestly say I've gotten better at this - learning to juggle and move things around without getting bent out of shape. I never know when there will be a funeral, a sudden hospital visit, a mobile meeting...God has stretched me in SO many ways this year. I have learned to wake up every morning and just pray that I can be a ministry to someone and that the fruits of the spirit will be strong in me. I take it a day at a time.

I've learned more technical stuff than I knew my brain could hold. How to run a sound board (mostly), many new software programs and apps, and more things about computers and projectors and cameras and microphones than I even knew was possible. I've learned that most of the technical/electronical things have at least three names. It's been like learning a new language. I've heard the english language is the most difficult to learn because we have so many different ways of saying the same thing. That's what this has been like. And I've learned that while I previously didn't know what I didn't know, at least now I know mostly what I don't know. Ha.

I've learned what it's like to be a woman in what is usually a man's role. It's been entertaining watching the men around me adjust and we have all learned how to communicate and work together. I have been so blessed in that everyone has been so Christ-like. While I have struggled with feeling "good enough," I have constantly been encouraged by everyone on the team, from the volunteers to the paid staff. While I do threaten to cry if they yell at me, I've never had to resort to such a tactic.

I've learned that no matter how independent I am, I can't do my job without the team. A large part of the team was already in place by the time I came along, and they are fabulous. They give of their time when they are tired and have no time to give. They encourage me, tell me to calm down, and maybe best of all, they laugh with me. There is so much laughter on our team. Occasionally, we even have to cry together when friends get bad news and we don't understand it. Slowly, I've been working on building other aspects of our team beyond the people we need every week, and that has been fun too. It seems almost every day I get to ask someone to do something, and I love watching new people get involved.

I've learned to express every idea, even when I'm scared they might be lame. I have one friend who I run everything by, just for encouragement, because they ALWAYS tell me good things about my ideas. I have another friend who loves to talk about ideas and can always put a spin on things. I have a leader who always pushes for bigger and better and tells me we can always do whatever it is that I think we can't.

I've learned how to balance the different aspects of my job.

I've learned that I love it more than I ever knew I would.

I've learned to hold my plans loosely. Both personally, and at work. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Christmas Shopping 2010

2010-12-20T22:07:00.000-06:00

Our day of Christmas shopping, eating out and playing at the park got off to a slow start. We slept in because Gavin was sick last night. He had to come home early yesterday. He was coughing and running fever. Breathing treatments every four hours seem to be helping, and he got a lot of rest.

We left the house today around 1pm and he chose Applebee's for lunch. Afterwards, he said, "I wish I hadn't chosen Applebee's." Me too.

In the Applebee's parking lot, I dropped my phone on the ground and shattered the back of it. Shattered. As in, a glass shard was sticking out of my thumb. That kind of shattered. We went straight to the Apple store on Knox. It. Was. Insane. I had never seen it so packed. All that being said, we got in and out in about 45 minutes, and it really wasn't a horrible experience. The salesmen all seemed to appreciate my quick wit and charm.

From there, we hit up NP. That's short for North Park, which I LOVE. Picked up some Sperry Topsiders for G, swung by the Lego store, Gap and Bath & Body Works...and Gavin asked if this is the place with the dessert I love. I was confused...yes, I love most desserts, but I didn't remember NP having anything special for me...and then he described it..."It's round, and it's like cake and it has a big glob of icing in the middle." Ahh, yes. The Banana Baby Bundt cake from Corner Bakery. You had me at hello. So we picked up one of those as well. After NP, we went to Elizabeth Arden and picked up a few more gifts and headed home.

We finished off the evening with a movie. I wanted Beauty & the Beast, he wanted Shrek. He might be a "momma's boy", but he's still a guy. We agreed to flip back and forth, but he had the remote, so you can guess how that went. Then we made Muddy Buddies and wrapped gifts.

It was a great day, and I have been thinking it over...normally, I hate crowds. I rank large crowds right up there with hating sin and the devil. The crowds stress me out because I don't feel safe. Too many strangers. And while I don't hate traffic, I definitely don't like looking for a parking space for twenty minutes. People were edgy. They were either moving very slowly or very quickly as they walked through the mall. It seemed as if everyone was impatient and hungry and had to go to the bathroom. But Gavin and I had a great time. We were in no hurry, had no agenda and felt like we were doing what we wanted. It seemed that no sales person or stranger looked me in the eye until I said hello and asked them how they were. I hope we made a difference in someone's day. We were so chipper, it felt like we were spreading Christmas cheer. I love spending my day off with him.

I Need Two Open Windows!

2010-12-06T15:36:00.000-06:00

I've stopped saying my name when I answer the phone at the office. I just say, "First Baptist Church!" People ALWAYS think I'm Kay Miller, and launch into questions and giving information, and I have no idea what they're talking about. It usually ends with me saying, "Oh, you must be looking for Kay Miller! Please hold..." But there is always confusion.

Last Tuesday was no different, except for the fact that Kay Miller was out when I answered the phone for my daily dose of mistaken identity. Here's the scene: imagine it is your grandma on the phone. She can't hear you. She's talking really loudly. You have no clue what she's talking about. There is mass confusion.

Me: First Baptist Church!

Your Grandma: Kay! I need two open windows!

Me: (Knowing I am not the Kay she thinks I am). Um. Ok. What is that? (with a smile in my voice, just like Kay Mil would have).

Your Grandma: I need two open windows!

Me: (Trying to think fast, because it is SO like Kay Miller to go to someone's house and open their windows for them. I would do it, but it was 50 degrees outside, and aren't Grandmas usually cold? Confused...). Ok, I guess I don't know what that is.

Your Grandma: Open windows!

Me: Ok, I'll tell Kay you called.

Your Grandma: Ok, honey. Tell her to leave them at the welcome center!

Thank goodness there was someone in the office to explain to me that open windows are actually Open Windows. Quarterly devotion books. I laughed myself silly on that one.

The next day, a very familiar face came by and asked for an Open Window. I told him the story and we had a good laugh. But then I sat down thinking, I didn't even know what that was a day ago. Why am I getting all the Open Windows people? I'm trying to listen to the Holy Spirit. So now, I'm reading Open Windows. But hey, they're short. And large print. Awesome!

The Things I Worshiped in 2010

2010-11-29T18:11:00.000-06:00

I was talking back and forth today with a friend who shared some sin he has had in his life. I shared some of mine. A verse popped into my head, and here we are.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21. (That's King James to show you how serious I am).

I was telling my friend how something had gotten out of control in my life and had become idol worship. It really made me look back over the year and think about what else I was worshiping/serving this year besides God. Here's a list (you're not surprised):

-A relationship. You're still not surprised. I'll be brief. This is the biggest one. I even realized it, at one point saying, "you have become an idol in my life." I broke God's heart. What a horrible feeling.
-Trust. I idolized trust, wanting someone who would never lie or let me down. But we are all human, and we all do that stuff. Jesus is the only one who won't let me down.
-My job. I don't like putting this one. I love my job. It is multi-faceted and I love all its parts. But sometimes I let it consume me and I only blame myself. I can easily let it become my identity.
-My "to do" list. This is different from work, because it includes all kinds of stuff. Go here, get this, do that, see this. On and on.
-Lots of other material things. My Explorer. I've said I miss it about 1,000 times. Clothes. I've shopped a lot. New stuff for the house. Decorations, etc.

The things I have to be careful not to worship:

-My home. I just love it. Happy in a home for the first time in five years. But it's just a building. It's material.
-My education. I have focused on it so much this year. I want desperately to have my degree and I pushed too hard this year, with less than four weeks off since January.
-Other things I can't think of right now.

So back to the Bible verse. When that popped into my head, I immediately knew that is my verse for 2011. I want to live it out. I want to show God that He is my treasure and He has my heart.

Thanksgiving, We Hardly Knew Ye

2010-11-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:15. James is my favorite book in the Bible, and I love this verse. I come to you today confessing sin, and asking you to pray for me.

Here it is: I am ready for Christmas as soon as we put up the Halloween costumes. I know, I'm hideous! I'm covering my face right now. I don't want to "rush Christmas" and I don't want to "forget to be thankful," but really, I'm ready to celebrate the birth of Jesus! I'm ready to play Christmas music (ok, I did that anyway, and drove everyone in the office crazy), put out decorations and drink waisal.

I am all about being thankful, and I don't want to go against George Washington or my pastor, but what's wrong with being thankful all year long? (I know no one is implying we shouldn't be thankful all year long, I'm just being dramatic). I stop short of putting Thanksgiving in the same bucket as Valentine's Day, but this year, I was really left with the impression that I need to learn how to show gratitude to God and others 364 other days out of the year. (That is to say, we should be thankful all year long, just like we should show others we love them all year long. Not just on one day out of the year.)

This Thanksgiving season, we had an amazing series called Thankful: The Life-changing Power of Gratitude. It was really great, and we spent a lot of time as a church and staff evaluating all we have to be thankful for. I spent a lot of time in prayer thanking God for all the wonderful things He has done for me. But secretly, I was harboring thoughts of Christmas the whole time. And what's worse, while I'm confessing, we haven't even put baby Jesus in the manger yet, and I'm covertly thinking about Easter. I can't help it!

There are plenty of people who voice their opinions about Christmas decor and music before Thanksgiving. They scoff at CVS, and speak of Wal-Mart with contempt. I will stand with shoulders back and fist raised - and I will represent those who walk the isles of these stores hiding a smile and secretly humming "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas." I say, "bring it on!" In the meantime, I'll continue to be "thankful" for my job and that I can begin listening to Christmas music as early as August if I want to, under the guise of "planning worship".

Porn is Bad

2010-11-27T21:03:00.000-06:00

I just finished writing a research paper on "an issue plaguing the Christian church." I have never. Ever. Written more than was required on a paper. I love to write, but mostly I like to write about what I want to write about. Not something someone else is making me write about. So I tend to do a half-hearted job, write my papers and move on. Except for this paper. I had every intention of being non-commital, writing a B paper and enjoying my holiday weekend. I asked my pastor what I should write about, we discussed it and he gave me several resources to help me along.

This is where I stop and say, "porn is bad, people." Seriously. I mean it. We knew that, right? We don't look at porn, we are disgusted by it and it's shameful. But reading the main resource that Pastor Brent gave me left me feeling helpless. Helpless to ever find a man at my age who won't have a problem with it. Helpless to protect my son from it. Helpless to help others who have a problem with this addiction. The main resource I used was The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations by The Witherspoon Institute.

Here are a few statistics I included in my paper from that text:

Americans rent 800 million pornography videos and DVDs every year, 11,000 porn films are shot each year, (compared to 400 produced by Hollywood each year), four billion dollars a year is spent on video porn, and one in four internet users looks at porn on a website in a given month. Also, men look at pornography more than anything else they view on the internet, 80% of viewers of pornography on the internet are men, and 66% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site every month.

Oh. My. Life. Forget everything else I said in the 10 pages of my paper. Isn't that enough? It's staggering.

My paper was three pages longer that it needed to be. I didn't say everything I wanted to say or that needed to be said. I'm still disturbed. It's still on my mind. I've been writing for two days, have things to deal with for worship services tomorrow, and still had to stop and write this blog. I'm worried. This is bad.

My own personal experience of seeing porn of the first time came at the age of seven or eight. I lived on a farm. In the evenings, my family would take a walk down the country road that we lived on, and my sister and I were allowed to play under the bridges on this road as we walked along. The picture is that of a small town. A country life. A quiet summer evening. And discovering a magazine under this bridge that someone had thrown out as they drove by. I can still see these images in my mind and was unprepared for them that summer night.

My cousin's daughter was exposed to it on the playground at school in fifth grade.

I've seen families torn apart by one's addiction to it.

I think the thing that concerns me the most is protecting my son from this. Once he sees it, it is likely those images will be forever engrained in his brain. We have to teach our kids to live holy lives. I pour into him that what we do with our bodies matters - I just pray he's hearing me and that he remembers. Incidentally, he just came in and said, "look at my booger." Normally that would annoy me. But not tonight.

New Release Tuesday

2010-11-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

So most new music comes out on Tuesday...and I try to keep track of what's on the horizon. It's been a year of really great music. I decided to compile a list of my top ten favorites.

12. Chris Tomlin - And If Our God Is for Us - The first track of Our God, with the orchestra...wow. I'm loving I Lift My Hands & No Chains On Me. This one has a lot of promise to move up on the list...it just came out last week.

11. Passion: Awakening - Great one. How can you miss with Crowder, Christy Nockles, Fee & Tomlin? Faves: Healing is in Your Hands, Like a Lion.

10. New Life Worship - I am Free - this actually came out at the end of '09. I think I gave it to myself for Christmas. It was my go-to for over half the year. Faves are: My Savior Lives, I am Free, Your Name, Fairest.

9. Jim Brickman - Never Alone - Never lose with Brickman. I first fell in love with him during my stint at the DSO. I love Never Alone, it has vocals from Lady A...my fave on the album is Gathering. A new Brickman Christmas album came out last week. I haven't checked it out yet, but it's an anniversary collection.

8. Mercy Me - The Generous Mr. Lovewell - Forgot how much I enjoyed MM, until I saw them at American Airlines. Lots of energy and great lyrics. The concert was right before the album came out, so I pre-ordered it. Wore it out for a good month, and Gav still asks to hear Move.

7. Israel Houghton - Love God. Love People. - Not one I can listen to every day, it's for a certain mood. But I knew when I heard it, I had to have it. Fav: You Hold My World.

6. Lady Antebellum - Need You Now - Love their vocals. Fun CD. Fav song: Something 'Bout a Woman.

5. Sugarland - The Incredible Machine - Not my favorite of all their albums, but this one makes the list because I saw them in concert for the first time this year. Best concert in the history of the known world, ever. I've been to a lot of concerts...this one was by far my most favorite. From the album: Incredible Machine, Stuck Like Glue, & Find the Beat Again.

4. Derek Webb - Feedback - This one is super cool. I play it in the background a lot. I love to play my music up loud in the office while I putter around, but I have NEVER been able to read OR write anything serious with music or tv playing at the same time. This album changed that. I love to play it softly while I'm reading/writing. It's crazy good. "An Instrumental Electronic Album Based on the Lord's Prayer."

3. North Point Christmas - This record is so amazing. I lovelovelove the way they take traditional Xmas songs and put a new spin on them. The music and harmony and lyrics are just beautiful. Faves: Do You Hear?, All Creation Sing, He Has Come for Us, Everything Changed, O Come All Ye Faithful - Buy this...you won't regret it; sing along and when they hit the bridge, you'll lift your hands. It's amazing.

2. Taylor Swift - Speak Now - I don't know how she does it. She writes her own music, and it has all the insight and depth of someone who's lived a lifetime. I've lived (living) most of the songs on the album. My favorite song is different on different days. Today's current faves are Sparks Fly & Back to December. Gav's fav is Mean.

1. Elevation Worship - Kingdom Come - This is my new go-to album. The new old-trusty. The new...the new...I love it. My personal favorites are: Awaken, Kingdom Come, Give Me Faith, Mercy Reigns. But I really love the whole thing, over and over. Again and again. Everyone who loves Jesus and has ever been broken needs this record.

No one cares, but there it is! I do realize it's twelve and not ten. Once I got to ten, I decided to do two more and stop. Probably could've gone to twenty.

Christmas albums on the radar:
Sugarland: Gold & Green (from last year)
Bifrost Arts: Salvation is Created (crazy good, beautifully artistic)
Jim Brickman: A Christmas Celebration
Faith Hill: Joy to the World ('08)
Brooklyn Tab: A Brooklyn Tabernacle Christmas

The Creative Process

2010-11-22T16:39:00.000-06:00

I don't know anything about the "creative process." I read about it. I try to learn how others get creative and the methods they use. Some use music. Some go on retreats. Others seem to have creativity oozing out of them. Me? I don't have a process. I wish I could put on some cool tunes, light a candle and let the ideas just start flowing out of me, but it just doesn't work that way.

More often than not, I just need to try to go to bed at night, and then the ideas start coming. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night and have to write things down. Sometimes a broad idea, sometimes just a phrase, sometimes I just lay there and think for hours at a time.

A few things I have learned along the road I'm on:
1) write it down right away. I'm terribly lazy and I always think I'll remember it later, and don't have to stop what I'm doing immediately, but the thoughts never come back the same.

2) see what others are doing. I was completely against this six months ago. I wanted my ideas to be my own and not someone else's. I was concerned that I would see or hear about something someone else did, and then it wouldn't be an "original" idea. I wanted all my creativity to come from my own inspiration. Call me Narcissus. Wait, no, don't call me that.

3) have someone to talk to. I love talking about music, sermons, theology, drama, etc. It can be hard when I think I have a fun or exciting idea and there is no one around to share it with. There are two different people I like to bounce ideas off of. The one I go to first mostly tells me all my ideas are great, and gets me pumped up and excited about them. Then I go to the second person who is able to see flaws in my ideas and knows how to draw out other ideas and develop them.

4) don't be scared/take risks. Easier said than done. I have never been a risk taker. As much as I may enjoy getting onstage and performing, I greatly dislike putting my ideas on display. Scary. I much prefer whispering ideas to someone else, and letting them carry out a vision. Sunday we had a good day. We had a contemporary choir. We pushed on the music a little. We started using some new teams. Everything went off pretty smoothly (except when I briefly turned out all the lights by accident). But I was terrified and lost sleep the night before. I won't even describe all the things I imagined could go wrong. I'm a faithless wretch. It was never in my hands to begin with.

5) pray. That's a "give me," right? Seems so obvious. But it makes a true difference. I'm seeing changes left and right to the point that I am getting excited to start praying about things to see what God will do.

Hmmm...maybe I am starting to have a process after all. I'm still not really sure I know what I'm talking about. This is what I think I know right now. I'm sure it will be different in six more months. Our team has had a few wins. We have had some failures. But I'm having fun and growing in God. It just gets better and better.

Lord, I'm Listening

2010-11-21T22:46:00.000-06:00

The very first year I went to camp as a counselor, I remember feeling excited and nervous and under qualified. Going on a week long stay to the mountains of Oklahoma in the middle of July is enough to test anyone's faith! It's hot! And it's Oklahoma!

Anyway...I remember very clearly the first night there...our whole youth group stood in a circle along with all the counselors and our youth pastor lead us in a prayer...he asked each of us to repeat this phrase, and only this phrase, "Lord, I'm listening." We went around the circle, each of use praying those three words. I have prayed those words hundreds of times since then. Always in times when I so desperately needed to hear from God...sometimes I pray them over and over, just asking God to give me something to hear.

Sometimes I hear Him clearly. Sometimes I think He doesn't speak, only to realize later I missed it completely. Sometimes, I close my eyes and lean forward, straining so hard to hear something. Most often, I'm just too busy and making too much noise to hear anything.

Lately the world seems like chaos. Lately everything seems out of control, and there seem to be so many things I don't understand. Mostly, lately, I find myself feeling like I simply don't know what to do. So I'm learning to be still. I'm learning to listen again.

I have a friend who on more than one occasion has asked me to pray for this or that, because he seems to think I "hear from the Holy Spirit." I know I do, and I know we all do, if we only listen. There have been times where He has spoken so clearly to me, the only way I know how to explain it is to say He wrote it on my heart. There have been times where it was almost an audible voice telling me what to do. There have been times where I asked Him to speak through someone and He did.

So this year was hard. Things got rough. He didn't stop speaking, but I stopped listening. There have been times this year where I remember thinking I couldn't remember the last time I heard from the Holy Spirit.

I had a moment several months ago, where I woke up on a Tuesday morning, and stood praying in my bathroom...praying that God would tell me what to do and that He would speak through a particular friend. There answer that my heart truly wanted from God wasn't likely to come through this friend, because I already knew his heart on the matter at hand, but I asked it in this way anyway. I finished up that prayer, got the kids to school, and went on to work. I wasn't even thinking about this prayer by the time I was getting into my morning routine...but two hours hadn't passed before my friend sat down and said something like, "so, I really feel like you need to know..." And there it was. I just sat staring at him. And then tried to explain through tears that I had asked God to speak through him that very morning, and God had. In a moment, just like that, I had a renewed sense of faith that I didn't even know I needed.

In case you're wondering, the answer God gave me wasn't the one I wanted. I know that God knew my heart, and what I wanted to hear. And I knew very clearly that He was speaking to me very directly. Even though the answer brought me sadness at the time, there was no doubting it was the right answer, and there was so much peace in that.

I went back as a camp counselor with the same group the following year, and we repeated the exercise. I honestly can't remember what the phrase was the second year, but now, 12 years later, I'm still praying that same prayer..."Lord, I'm listening."

Laundry

2010-11-20T14:24:00.000-06:00

For the past two weeks, Gav has done the laundry at our house. There is something about it that he loves. (I have no idea what it is). He sorts it, puts it in the machine, waits on it to finish so he can move the load to the dryer, and begins again. I haven't given him any incentive to do this and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

When he sorts the laundry, there are always questions. Mostly about tan things going in with whites, and if something should go in light or dark if it has shades of both. Last weekend, we changed clothes before we went on our date night, and I had a pair of dark jeans that I dropped on the light pile (he had already washed the dark clothes). And here we go:

Him: "Those can't go with that load, right?"

Me: "Oh, it'll be fine."

Him: "Why is it fine?"

Me: "Well..."

And then I explained how those jeans had been washed probably 30 times or more, and they weren't going to fade in the wash and ruin the load; that it would be ok this one time to throw them in with the lighter load and get them done.

As I was explaining this, I realized...I was asking him to use discernment in washing our clothes. He's a rule follower. He likes to know that things are always the same. I got annoyed. Laundry should be easy, right? He shouldn't have to use discernment and make judgment calls about how to do laundry!

Life is all about discernment. That's a hard thing to explain to an eight year old. Then I get freaked out. What other teachable moments am I missing? Are we praying enough? Are we praying right? Reading our Bible enough? Is he watching me live it out in the best way possible? Our last few months have been great ones. As I've grown closer to the Lord, I think I've seen him grow closer too. Wow, so no pressure there.

So I looked up this passage and showed it to him.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

This passage doesn't speak directly to how to be discerning, but if I can show him how to love God...take Him with us everywhere we go...talk about Him...then maybe...just maybe, he'll remember that when he has to make decisions.

Round-robin

2010-11-18T20:15:00.000-06:00

It's Thursday. That means staff meeting.

It's the last staff meeting before Thanksgiving. That means round-robin, everyone saying what they are thankful for.

A room full of spiritual people, who all love Jesus. Some great answers, honest and sincere.

Here is what I wanted to say:

I'm thankful for my Pastor. He is a wonderful mentor and friend. Hands down, the most long-suffering, patient, and kind man I have ever known.

I am thankful for my son. He's brilliant and innocent and compassionate and kind. I really believe he will do great things for the Kingdom.

I am thankful for our home. We have moved eight times in five years, and for the first time since we moved to Kaufman, our house is finally a home.

I am thankful for peace in my heart. It's been a long time for that one, too. To finally have peace in my life means it's not such a big deal when the copier breaks down, the postage machine needs a refill, we ran out of DVDs too soon, and the mail didn't go out so none of the Deacons got meeting reminders. All on the same day. Sometimes, life feels so filled with the noise of school and work, I am amazed that I lay down at night feeling peace, but there it is. No anxiety anymore. Just peace.

I am thankful to be able to see and hear art. Ok, this one is weird. Sometimes, music fills me up so much, I am surprised that I can't sit down at a piano and play, or sing like some of our amazing artists. But I hear it. And I see it. And I feel it draw me closer to God.

I am thankful for my friend Nikki. For the love that is so open and honest in that relationship.

I am thankful for my cousin AW. She has loved me forever, and always been so good to me.

I am thankful that this year is almost over. It has been a hard year on so many levels. 2011 is bringing obstacles, but 2010 has made me wiser, and I end this year much closer to God than when I started it.

Here is what I think I said:

"(Witty banter...joke...) um, I'm thankful for our home, and my friends in this room, and for Brent."

So, so lame.

I Don't Know The Answer

2010-11-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

Two different people asked me last week what you say to a person who is living in darkness. Neither time I knew what to say. These two conversations involved three different people. I was in that darkness myself, just two or so months ago. And nothing my friends could say or did say made a difference, even when I knew what the truth was. By darkness, I mean knowing the truth but not being able to grasp it or apply it. I don't mean being lost or unsaved. In the context of these friendships all people are in a relationship with Christ.

So I've been thinking about this question a lot. Is there some specific thing anyone could have said to me that would have changed things? I don't think so. If there was, I am fairly certain that it was said to me at some point over the last year and a half. I have those kind of friends - who tell it to me straight up, in love, and in Jesus' name. But it never mattered. As I said, the above referenced people, myself included, all have a relationship with Christ. Throwing us into a pit and blinding us from the truth is one of the biggest tricks that Satan likes to play on us. As children of God, when we doubt His promises, His truth, His love, Satan gains a victory. As long as we are in a pit (see Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore) Satan controls our lives. I love the pit analogy that Beth uses in this book.

Anyway, the Holy Spirit really impressed on me Friday night to pray for one of these people. (As an aside, hearing from the Holy Spririt is something I really missed while being in that
pit!). So I prayed. And I felt better. I had been searching out the "right words" to say to these people based on my own experience, and wasn't coming up with anything. It isn't by my own power that I can say the right words to others and pull them up out of a pit. But when God says pray, and you pray, it's easy to see that's where the power is.

So instead of grabbing your friend by the shoulders and shaking them, it might be better if you prayed for them instead. You could always do both, but shaking someone who isn't listening is frustrating. And there is power in prayer.

Sunday Funday

2010-05-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

Today is Sunday. We went to church this morning, just like we do every week. We had a yummy roast cooking in the crock pot when we got home, making the house smell like Sundays from when I was little. I loved coming home the house smelling like that. After we ate, we made the couch into a bed and watched a movie.

Now, Gavin knows I like to nap on Sunday afternoons. He doesn't even wonder if this is going to happen. It's part of what we do. When he asked if we could watch a movie, he wanted to know if we should do it before or after my nap. You can judge me, but I don't feel guilty. As I said, we made the couch into a bed, which thrilled him. Here's the scene: the a/c is on super cold. The ceiling fan is on. Lights are out. Curtains drawn. There's a blanket and pillows. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to accomplish the movie AND the nap!

He chose Gremlins as the movie to watch, and in between spurts of napping, what I saw had me reaching for the case to see what the movie was rated. PG? Really? Are they sure? I deemed the movie more or less harmless, but I didn't know they could say GD on the big screen in a PG movie.

After the nap/movie, we headed outside for a water balloon fight. Yes, just the two of us. No, it isn't his birthday. We were expecting rain today, but the sun was shining, so we capitalized. After the water balloon fight (he won), we purchased selections from the ice-cream man, and then had an Easter egg hunt. Which I guess in this case, was just an egg hunt. At Easter, we didn't get to do the hunt, and just haven't found the time to do it since. The only sad part was when he had to throw away all the Laffy Taffy. He's had sealants put on his teeth in the time since Easter and Laffy Taffy isn't on the approved candy list. Too sticky.

We had fun. A lot of fun. He's tentatively scheduled our next water balloon fight for tomorrow.

So tonight I'm left wondering...how will the adventures of today translate for him when he's older? Will it be a day that he remembers? Will he look back and love today? Or will it be a day he'll only remember if I tell him about it? Will it be a good memory for him, or something that will only add to making him spoiled and insatiable when he's sixteen? Will all he remember is that one time he hunted eggs and I made him throw away some of the candy?

I have a friend who claims to think in colors. Another who says they think in pictures. Well, I think in stories. And no matter what my circumstances are, I'm always dreaming up the happy ending to whatever story I'm in. In this story, Gavin tells about today as an adult - maybe he uses it as a sermon illustration. Maybe he writes about it in a book. Maybe it's just a simple memory he shares with my grandchildren. However the story goes, I hope Gavin remembers today, and even if he doesn't, I will.

Things I Need To Do

2010-04-08T20:31:00.000-05:00

I've admitted it before, but I'll do it again. I like to make lists. I write things down. Thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions...tons of stuff, and I have - at current count - six different books that I write them in.

There is one I use at work. It mostly has work stuff in it. Work-related tasks, ideas, reminders, etc.

There are two in my purse. One is almost full, and one is empty. I don't want to get caught without a place to write stuff. These can hold sermon notes, songs and lyrics I like, shopping lists, ideas of any sort...a random thought, or feeling.

Two are in my office at home. One is almost full of stuff I've written down over the past year. I don't like that book. It's a big one, and it has a lot of hurt in it. I don't know what to do with it. The other one is a little one that's full that I've recently taken out of my purse. It has mostly sermon notes in it.

There's one by the side of my bed. It's new. It's empty. I keep thinking I'm not going to write in that one until I have good and happy things to put into it. I look at it a lot. But I haven't written in it.

I'm sitting on my couch right now, and there are so many things I need to do. I need to mow the yard. There are dirty dishes in the sink. G needs to be tucked in for the night. I need to do school work. My car needs an oil change. And sitting here, I know that all I'm going to do tonight is tuck G in and get back on the couch.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some of those other things done then.

A Dang Good Blog

2010-04-08T20:12:00.000-05:00

A friend told me I needed to read this:
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/08/what-men-really-need-from-women/
He was right. I did.

Thirty-two

2010-04-03T19:45:00.000-05:00

I turned 32 last month. So far, it's not any different than 31. I thought about my birthday a lot before it actually occurred, and I normally don't do that. Something about this one had me thinking a lot. What have I done? Where am I going? What do I want to do? I don't have the answers to any of those questions...but I wrote some words to 32 several weeks ago...here they are:

I'm putting a lot of hope in you. I anticipate you'll be filled with love, happiness and new adventure. As we go through this next year, let's stay focused on Him, ok? I must confess, I'm going to use you. I'll use you to draw closer to God. To grow spiritually. To serve others. I'm going to give stuff away. I'm going to push you really hard to see past yourself and into the world around you - the lives and needs of others. I expect you to not be so selfish. I expect you to be stronger. I expect you to love God, and love others, before yourself. Welcome, 32. No pressure.

There's a Blue Dot on My Phone

2010-02-27T22:26:00.000-06:00

There's a blue dot on my phone. It's suppose to remind me to pray. A friend told me to put it there.

Thoughts on prayer: anything we get from God beyond the cross is gravy.

Sometimes, I don't pray the right way:

According to God's will.
Based on True Need.
Centered on God's Focus.

When I see the blue dot I will pray for:

People closest to me.

Requests from others.

Away from God (the lost, or drifting).

Your enemies.

I will admit, I got stuck on the details of "Your enemies." When you pray for your enemies, one of two things will happen. Either a) you'll stop praying or b) they'll stop being your enemy. You may not stop being theirs, but they won't be able to be yours any longer. I like b.

Giants in the Promiseland

2010-01-03T21:25:00.000-06:00

I read Same Kind of Different as Me during the Christmas break. It's a great book, and I recommend it to anyone who likes to laugh, cry and finish a book in two days. It's about two men - with totally different backgrounds and lifestyles, and how God brings them together and uses them for His purpose. My goal here is not to write a review of the book, which I'll end up doing if I'm not careful. What I really want to talk about is one specific part that I've been thinking about for days now.

There is a part in the book where the spouse of one of the main characters is diagnosed with cancer. As they went to bed on the night of her diagnosis, she tells her husband the story about the giants in the Promiseland. In the book of Numbers, chapter 13, Moses sends 12 spies into Canaan, (which God was giving to the Israelites) to scout out the land. When the 12 spies return, they report both good news (the land is plentiful - it flows with milk and honey) and bad news (the people there are powerful - there are even giants there). Naturally, as the Israelites had a propensity to do, they freak out and question why God has brought them that far, only to be killed by giants.

Joshua and Caleb, two of the spies, respond with this:

“The land we traveled through and explored is a wonderful land! And if the Lord is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey. Do not rebel against the Lord, and don’t be afraid of the people of the land. They are only helpless prey to us! They have no protection, but the Lord is with us! Don’t be afraid of them!”

So - the spouse in the story, diagnosed with cancer, is telling this to her husband as a source of comfort - the Lord was with them, and they didn't need to be afraid.

It got me thinking then, and every day since then...I'm really going to stretch the metaphor now...If the Promiseland is the place that God has for me (let's just say here and now - my life)...what are the giants there? What were the giants in 2009? What can I do to defeat them?

I won't list what the giants were or are (that's what most of the thinking has been about), but I also had this concept in mind as I made my resolutions for 2010. Here you go:

1. Read through the Bible this year.

2. Continue with school - goal is 5 classes by the end of the year.

3. Be a better: Mom. Friend. Servant.

4. Attitude. Fruits of the Spirit.

5. Spend less, give more.

6. Trust God. He will give me what I need, that what He has for me is better than anything I could desire, the He is in control and knows what happens to me. I don't have to worry.

What are the giants in your Promiseland?

A Staff Conversation About Commitment

2010-01-03T17:06:00.000-06:00

I like what everyone has said about this so far - lots of different ideas about what it means to be committed in both life and to God.

Commitment comes in lots of different forms. Most often, I think of commitment in the context of a relationship. "Love is a choice" and all that stuff. Everyone who knows me knows I'm either all in or all out. Black and white. No grey area. I do commitment well (or not well) depending on how you look at it. I take commitments to heart and I hold others to the same standard. But true commitment to God means a lot more than that.

When you're committed to God, I think it means you...

...do God's will rather than your own. Things always work out better that way.

...don't quit. There are times I want to quit certain things out of frustration - I'm too busy, it doesn't seem worth it, I just plain don't want to do whatever "it" is. But there is an intense amount of satisfaction coming through on the other side, knowing I didn't quit whatever it was - and I feel like it honors God when I follow through.

...make it a full-time gig. Am I committed when no one is looking? Do I stay committed with the things I put into my mind and heart - music, movies, people, places? What does my bank account show I'm committed to? Does the way I spend my spare time say I'm committed to God or the world?

Father, in the new year, help us to be committed to You. Give us strength to be not only hearers, but also doers of your Word. Thank you for loving us, even when we are not true to ourselves or to You.

I'm Moving!

2009-12-22T20:54:00.000-06:00

So the plan right now is to move next week. For several months, I've looked for a house to live in, and nothing ever panned out. I'd find something I really liked, and something wouldn't be right - and I always asked for God to work it out perfectly - with no obstacles, so that I would clearly know that it was what He wanted me to do. I was disappointed a few times, because there were several houses that I really liked and could see Gavin and me in. I finally decided to stop looking. Now it seems like it's going to happen, and this time the house found me rather than the other way around. Ah, He's like that a lot - when I'm finally like, "Ok, fine, I'll give it a rest" He provides whatever it is. I'm learning to be patient while He works things out for me.

Moving. Yeah. Not fun. I counted it up, and the last four years I have moved a grand total of seven times. Yes, seven. It sucks. I hate moving. Who doesn't? And however sad or not, most of those moves were under some form of stress. I don't think I once moved with excitement or anticipation. So this move is a lot different. While I dread the idea of packing and unpacking, I get an adrenaline shot thinking about sitting in my house at night and reading or blogging...or even staring at the wall. It seems silly (a little) since most of the people who I know read this already have a house and a yard. I've had these things before, but it's been a long time. Who knows how long it will last - only God knows that - but in the mean time, I'm gonna soak it up.

A staff conversation about peace

2009-12-21T09:25:00.000-06:00

For me, there is no peace like the peace of Christmas. Throughout the year, it's easy to find little moments with God - be it in prayer, worship, at a concert or talking with a friend - moments where we realize God is there and He can calm any storm. But it's at Christmas when I can feel His peace the most. I find it at the Christmas Eve service, surrounded by friends, all holding up a candle - I find in my living room sitting in only the light from the Christmas tree - I find it riding in the car, listening to Christmas worship music. This overwhelming feeling of peace is my favorite thing about Christmas. Peace in the belief that God is watching over me, provisioning for me, and that He really does know my name, every tear I've cried, every laugh I've shared and every thought and dream I've ever had in my heart. I believe we can look to the way He came, to know how He wants us to feel at Christmas. He could have come as a king would come, but instead came quietly with no fanfare - peaceful, quiet and still.

I heard a verse today as I was listening to some audio (Beth, wink) and it was Colossians 2:5 - "...I'm a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I'm on your side, right beside you." While it's Paul writing this to the people of Colossae, it's like that with Christ, too. He's on our side. He's right beside us. Calming us, giving us peace. Not only does he do that for us, He wants us to KNOW he does it, and believe that He's there.

Another thing about peace that keeps coming to mind is peacemaking. Matthew 5:9 - "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." Peace is so much preferred in our lives over drama and conflict. I read a book several years back called Peacemaking for Families and it really left an impression on me. So much so that I have gone back to it multiple times to read what it says about the steps to a proper apology, and most helpful for me, how to really give forgiveness. I have seen people all my life destroy relationships because people don't want to or even know how to apologize. Then of course there is the other side of that, where people withhold their forgiveness. I decided a long time ago that I don't want to live a life of bondage in un-forgiveness and bitterness. So to that end, the Bible says when we strive to be peacemakers, we will be called His children!

Father, for my friends this Christmas, I ask for the gift of peace. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace so great and deep that we know it can only come from You. A peace that fills our hearts so full there there is no room left for loneliness, hurt, sadness or selfishness. A peace to see that Christmas is not about us at all. In the year ahead, help us to be peacemakers and peacekeepers. Let us have peace in our hearts, whatever path You take us down - peace to know that Your plans and Your purpose are enough for us.

The Bucket List

2009-12-13T20:18:00.000-06:00

I was driving yesterday in the car...and this list just kind of came to me. I don't know why...I wasn't thinking about dying or anything...maybe it was a song I heard on the radio?

Anyway...here's the list (and you know I love making lists)!

1. Visit Yellowstone. And Yosemite. And drive across southwest Texas in a Jeep and go to Big Bend.
2. Go to Belize. With a man. And if he could be my husband, well that'd just be gravy.
3. Help someone. Be able to help someone change their life for good so completely, that it be changed forever.
4. Graduate from college.
5. Teach high school. Maybe just for a year, but I've always thought it was something I'd do.
6. Day hike the Appalachian Trail. I don't want to spend the night out there, but a day hike would be fun!
7. I'd like to visit every state...by car whenever possible. I love road trips!

I can't help thinking this list should be more commanding. It's a little lame, at best.

Intimacy With Christ

2009-12-09T11:02:00.000-06:00

This blog might not make sense to you...it's part of a staff conversation we had via email...

Pastor Brent mentioned having quiet time at the manger. Christmas is a great time of year for me to feel close to Christ - my struggle comes outside of December, just living life. I need to be still and listen to what He's saying day-to-day. I'm horrible at this. To be completely real, I find it nearly impossible to be still. I would much rather Him send me a burning bush than for me to have to sit still and get quiet and listen, when the noise of life is like standing on a street corner in Dallas at 8am (loud). My soul longs for peace and stillness with God, but my flesh scarcely allows me to have it. I drift away from Him and don't listen at all until I realize - I've had days without a connection to God and the emptiness I feel is because of this.

There are people in our lives that we know things about - and then there are people that we know intimately. I love these selective and intimate friendships, where you can predict what a person will say, how they will react to something, how they will feel about things - it is a wonderful feeling to be in a covenant relationship with someone and know great love and trust...and I realize that God knows me like this. He knows when I'm drifting away, and He knows how and when I'll come back to Him. He knows when I will celebrate Him, and when He will flow through me and touch the life of someone else. He pursues me and calls me back to Him unabated.

Thinking about how God always calls me back, I thought about Crazy Love. I raved to Steve about how great this book was, and he asked me what chapter I liked the best. I couldn't remember the chapter number or title (6 - When You're In Love) but I remembered that it was about running. If you were to look at my copy of the book it would be obvious by all the underlining that it's my favorite chapter. The crux of the whole thing is that you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to fall away. As long as I'm running toward Him, I'm safe. If I discipline myself to run toward Him (seek intimacy with Him) then I will be so close to Him. Chan is right - as long as I am pursuing Him, I am satisfied. When I stop pursuing Him, I gravitate toward other means of fulfillment. God gave us life that we may seek to know Him. And I don't think He just wants us to know ABOUT Him. He wants us to KNOW Him. I don't love Gavin because he loved me first - I just love him, plain and simple, from the beginning. I realize it's the same with God. He loved me first and my reciprocating love comes out of that.

Father I confess to you how much time and energy I waste running from You. I run in fear and pain and I try to solve my own situations, when being with You is the only thing that will give me what I need. You are far better than any solution or fix to life that I could dream up on my own. You know me. You chose me. You created me, and You are Enough for me. Search me and know my heart. Point out anything in me that offends You. Draw me to you - that I can know all of You.

It's Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-26T09:35:00.000-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I love the holidays. Gavin has been so excited this year, asking when we're doing what, where are we going, what are we taking...and on and on. Then repeat. The older he gets, the more fun it is. I try to stop and see it through his eyes and remember what it felt like, instead of worrying about what I'm forgetting and what needs to be done. I almost feel like I'm succeeding today! It's an accomplishment for me, because normally I overwhelm myself with things "to-do."

This year, we decided to spend the night on Thanksgiving Eve at my cousin's house, and we had a great time. We didn't do anything special, just talked, watched tv, cooked, ate. The typical holiday stuff. It feels good to not be rushing and worrying - there is no agenda and nothing that needs to be done until at least Sunday. Awesome.

So I'm thinking about being thankful. I'm thankful for a lot of things, and I was reticent to list any of it on Facebook like so many do (and if you do this, I'm not judging you - seriously) - I have my reasons. Anyway, I thought I'd compile a short list of the things I'm thankful for:

1. The little dog chewing on my sock right now. It really makes me happy when I see how happy he makes Gavin.
2. School. My first semester back is almost over - only two more weeks. I'm glad it's drawing to an end, but I feel so blessed to be going to school, and I'm really enjoying it.
3. My family. They do a lot for me and I love them. I don't know many people who are randomly close to a first cousin like I am, especially when we have such a large family out there - but this works for us, and I am blessed by it every single day. (Love you).
4. My church family. I am blessed with a wonderful church/job. Fabulous people who live loving Jesus every day. People who think of me and my son, love us and care for us. People so easy to love in return.
5. My friends. There are a few from my church/work family that I'll know forever - no matter where we go. You're special to me! And a few friends I have that have been my friends for years.
6. My son. The love of my life.

Right now, I'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting on the W's to get back from the Turkey Trot. There's a turkey cooking. The dressing is ready to go in the oven. Potatoes still need to be peeled. Eggs boiling in a pot on the stove. It's Thanksgiving, and I feel thankful.

I'm A Groupie. Maybe?

2009-11-14T13:48:00.000-06:00

Someone called me a "groupie" this week. Twice, actually. It didn't bother me, but I've been thinking about it. It was in reference to me and some of my friends propensity to attend concerts and speaking engagements by Christian artists. Who is coming? When are they going to be here? How much does it cost? Where are they going to be? And so on. When we hear of these events, we share them with each other. We get excited about it, we talk about it before hand...and then we discuss it at length once it's over. We compare speakers, musicians, our favorite things, what we hated...sometimes we argue. Mostly we just have a good time.

But that's not what I really want to talk about. What I'm really thinking about is this "groupie" thing. When I think of a "groupie," I imagine a sixteen year old, following around a rockstar or band, hoping to meet them or at least get an autograph. So when this person referred to me as a "groupie" (okay, I'm gonna stop putting it in quotation marks now) it didn't really seem like the right term. I don't follow a specific speaker or band, and I definitely don't try to meet whoever it is I'm going to see (ok, I did meet David Crowder, but that was by total accident, and I made a fool of myself with non-stop talking).

So who is it I'm following?

Who is it I want to see?

I guess it's Jesus. I never thought about it before. But I look forward to the music because I want to sing about Jesus and worship God. I want to hear the speakers because I want insight into things I don't know about the Bible, and I want the encouragement to live more like Jesus did.

I read Matthew 4:19-20 this morning: "Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” And they left their nets at once and followed him."

At once. Really? At once.

Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a groupie. When Jesus called His disciples, in this case, Peter and Andrew, they were ready and they went right away. That seems scary to me. I'm proud to be a Jesus Groupie, but I live this comfy life where I can work Jesus in mostly as I see fit. In my heart, I say, "God, I'll do whatever you ask me to." But it's the "at once" that I get stuck on.

There was a Friends episode once, where they "made plans to make plans." This is really funny to me, because I do that all the time. So I guess it the case of being a Jesus Groupie, I'm at least willing to be willing. Will that work for now?

BFF Forever

2009-11-02T23:21:00.001-06:00

I realize that adding the "forever" after BFF is redundant, but I want to emphasize the "forever forever" part.

I have a great friend coming into town this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. I've been thinking about her, how long we've been friends, and the path life has taken for us...I love her. She's my forever friend. The kind of friend you can not see or talk to for ages, and then you pick up right where you left off. All this led me to thoughts about friendship in general. Who you trust. Who you don't. Who the "users" are. There are those who need you to be their friend, but you don't really want to let them be yours.

I admit, I'm not one for titles and labels. In my adult life, I have only ever referred to one person as my BFF. If I feel particularly affectionate toward someone, I might refer to them as my "great friend" or "my best girlfriend" or something of that nature. But there is a lot to be said for the BFF. Can you have more than one? Is the title really necessary? I'll let you ponder these things, while I move on to my top ten list.

The top 10 things it takes to be a BFF (or at least mine, anyway)

10. A good sense of humor. I like to OLOL, and odds are, if you're my BFF, I'm gonna make fun of you. Return the favor whenever possible, and I'll know you love me too.
9. Honesty. A good friend will always tell you the truth in love. "I love you in Jesus' name, but you're being really selfish right now."
8. A little bit of class. See number 9. It always helps when you're "telling the truth in love" to say it nicely. No one likes a meany.
7. Integrity. This requires having a strong constitution that you live your life by. This one is my most favorite of them all. It means you don't lie or cheat. No funny business. No question marks over your head. If I look at you and there is a question mark hanging over your head about something, sorry. You're can't be on the BFF list anymore.
6. Faithfulness. You don't change. You have to be stedfast. I have to know that what I see is what I get, and there aren't any surprises. I don't like surprises. Keep my secrets.
5. Loyalty. You have to have my back, even when I'm wrong and stupid. You can tell me how wrong and stupid I am all day long (see number 9 again) but you have to stand by me.
4. Forgiveness. I make mistakes. But I know how to offer a good apology, and I'm gonna need some grace sometimes. (See number 8).
3. Selflessness. Being my BFF means sometimes, you'll have to put yourself aside and do what I want - or give me what I need.
2. Kindness. As previously mentioned, there will be mistakes made and forgiveness needed but you don't get to be mean just because you're having a bad day or you don't feel good. That's lame. I love you the way you are - but don't be a selfish meany.
1. Love. I Cor. 13:13 Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. If I ever get a tattoo, that's what it will say - faith, hope and love...those are the things that last. To paraphrase Francis Chan, when you love someone, you'll do anything for them and you look forward to being with them.

I realize my top 10 list is comprised of mostly buzz words...but I like to look at it. These are the things I look for in a BFF, but also all the things I have to offer.

How The Biggest Loser Made Me Feel Small

2009-09-24T11:06:00.000-05:00

So a lady from Kaufman is on this season of The Biggest Loser. I didn’t catch the first episode last week, but I do from time to time watch the show, and knowing that there was a person from Kaufman on it prompted me to tune in. Evidently she has an amazing story - I was intrigued.

I’ll start by saying that I do Jillian Michaels‘ Thirty Day Shred at least three times a week. I have never been a person who works out, but at 31 years of age, I finally decided I needed to work at being healthy. Sometime at the end of July, when Gav and I got back from vacation, I got serious about exercising. I was working out five days a week until school started. Now I’m down to three, but still feeling really good about it. I have never been “over weight” but I do struggle with bad eating habits, and I gain weight really easily. Growing up, I watched my mom gain and lose weight over and over...and being built like her, I never wanted to struggle the way I saw her struggle. I also want to set a good example for Gav that he grow up eating healthy foods and making exercise a part of his life.

Jillian Michaels is down right mean. She screams, she yells, she pushes...but her stuff works! So many people I know personally can testify to her Thirty Day Shred. I’m one of them. Watching The Biggest Loser the other night, I didn’t see her do much yelling and cursing, but I did have an intimate look into those peoples lives. I admit it. I sat on my couch and cried for them. I felt so small and selfish, all the times I have thought of myself and the pound or two that I wanted to lose. I have never struggled the way those people were struggling.

For some reason, the world takes satisfaction in seeing people fail. We have seen how people go on the show and lose weight, only to gain it back when the show is over. We see their pictures on the internet. Their failure, their humiliation, displayed for everyone to see. Watching that show reminded me - I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one in need. The lady from Kaufman? Evidently, she lost her family in an accident. And to see her smile and be an encouragement to others was an inspiration to me. So I prayed over them. I prayed those people would be healed from their disease, whatever it is that makes them over weight. That they would have power over it and not let it control them. There was so much passion and so much emotion and hurt in them. I could relate to them, even though I have never been in their shoes. Everyone has hurts and struggles. I have had moments in my own life, where I have wondered, “when am I gonna get my turn at happiness?” Will I watch this show every week? Probably not. Will I pray over them every week? I probably won’t do that either. But maybe somewhere, there’s somebody who’s praying for people like me...and their prayers will make me stronger, the way I hope mine helped the people on that show.

On A Good Day

2009-09-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

Here I go again! I don't know if I'm blogging so much because I have a computer at home now, or if I'm just trying to stimulate my mind...finding myself back in school after being out for six years is a little hard. I'm surrounded by smart people...people with letters after their names, and I never understand what they're talking about, so I'm trying to finish up my bachelors degree.

I think I might be a control freak. The past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of spiritual searching. Asking the Lord a lot of questions. Today I had what I like to refer to as a "moment". Some people might call it a "melt down". Lots of fears, crouching in on me at one time, and I threw up the white flag.

I won't go into listing all my fears, but they are there...some are silly, some deeply rooted in the past...some of them are just normal fears. Today I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend this summer. Just in casual conversation she and I had over a period of several days, she noted that she picked up some queues from me that I have a lot of fears. That I often use phrases like, "I'm afraid that..." or "my fear is" and "I'm scared of..." I was a little surprised by her candid observation of my inner self, and so I had to think if over a while. And...well...she was right. Now, this is particularly embarrassing for me, because I'm a Bible believin' girl, and I'll be the FIRST one to tell you, God has not given us a spirit of fear! That worry is a sin, that we have to TRUST GOD...

So my friend's really great words came back to me today. On a GOOD day, I can control myself. I can't control situations or other people. But I can try really hard to control my thoughts, my attitude and my tongue. It's when I start to worry about that things that I can't control that fear creeps in. It seems so simple when you dumb it down...why worry or be afraid of something that is out of my control? So what am I claiming...or reclaiming? Myself I think. That I will have a good day in Jesus' name and I will control myself.

The Jeff Johnson Experience

2009-09-07T21:51:00.001-05:00

DNOW - this past weekend. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was a color mom, and thought I was going to have G$, and that I'd have to do a lot of shuffling him around to get the job done. I thought about backing out, which I never do. (Ok, I did drop that history class with 14 reading assignments but I don't back out when I've given someone my word). G$'s dad called out of the blue and asked to have him over the weekend, and there it was. God's hand, sweeping down and saying, "I'm taking care of this. You can't quit. And you won't have G$ (does God refer to him as G$? Not sure...) so you won't have any mom guilt."

Ok, God. Thanks. What about the other reasons I don't want to do this? It's going to be hot. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm spiritually weak right now. Satan is in my head telling me to exclude myself. But He had taken care of the main thing (G$), and I gave my word to my friends that I would do it, so I did. And of course, like He always does, God shows up and meets me right where I am.

The Holy Spirit really spoke to me through the music. Music is my thing. I love to sing, buy music, share it, listen to it over and over...just wear it out. Not having G$, I decided to go to worship and hear this Jeff Johnson guy and his band. I heard a lot of great things about him from Super Summer and was really looking forward to it.

I met Jeff Johnson. He sings well, he plays well. And he was really nice. Can he walk on water? Probably not. He was a normal guy, humbly anointed by God to lead worship. There was a moment on the first night when one of the kids yelled out, "I love you Jeff Johnson!" And I saw the look on his face...he smiled, but there was angst there too. The kids loving him is not what it's about. It's about getting to a place where it's not about the spot you're standing in, or the people you're standing with, or who is on the stage...but where are you with God? I had a moment of internal dialogue where I thought of a witticism I read somewhere, something like, "If you’re not close to God anymore, guess who moved?" Ok, I did. I don’t know when, probably little by little. Somehow, the main thing hasn’t been the main thing in a long time.

Our guest speaker, Richard Ross, spoke on Sunday morning about praying to a little Jesus what we can take in and out of our pocket when we need Him and then put Him back. After meeting with Him in worship Saturday night, I knew without a doubt - I don't want a little Jesus. I want Big, Almighty, Powerful, Overwhelming God. I realized that being truly happy, truly satisfied, is believing and living that He is Enough.

So I did my color mom thing, connected with some teenagers I didn't know that well and realized how awesome our youth are. They love Jesus. And they listen. And they have good hearts. And they blessed me by letting me be with them. My team didn't win. Another way God put me in my place. I wanted to win for me, for bragging rights. But He said no. God used the weekend to remind me that he is sovereign, that He has the power to fill me up, and that when I submit to Him, He shows up and reveals Himself.

Where I Am Today

2009-09-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

I posted some personal goals a few months back, and need to affirm where I am with them.

Here they are again:

1. Enroll in fall classes DONE
2. Get new computer for school DONE
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten (soon!)
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first) (after #3!)
5. Invite my lost friend to church. (Haven't done this one yet)
6. Paint the upstairs of my apartment. DONE
7. Spend more qt with G$. DONE
8. Walk the dog. Ok, So I don't have the dog anymore...

I've been nervously excited about going back to school. Yesterday was the first afternoon of class. I walked onto campus - no wait - first of all...I swung by the Apple store to return a bag, then I went to the bookstore and bought books, then I went to the student center and got my i.d. and parking pass and THEN I made it to campus. The campus seems to have doubled in size since the last class I took in 2003. I was lost. I paid $125 for a parking sticker, drove around for 20 minutes, and finally parked on a meter and paid another $3 so I wouldn't be late to class. In my mind, it's not going great, but I'm trying to play it cool. I get out of my car and start walking...now this is the first time I've taken a regular day class at SMU. All of my classes have been in the evening, and so most of the students have been working class and not the regular student body. The campus is flooded with students. All beautiful people. Seriously. All beautiful. And I never felt so plain vanilla. With crows feet.

I get to class, and the professor and I are the only ones over the age of 21. This is where the tables turned. I'm the oldest student in the class, but I also realize they are all babies. They know nothing. The professor is talking about atonement, resurrection, exclusivism and they know nothing of what he speaks. Wow. I accepted Christ at the age of 7 and I have never known what it feels like to live in total darkness like this. I was amazed at what they didn't know about God. How do you win and entire class over in Jesus' name? I'm not sure yet...

I'm sure tonight will be another adventure. History. With 14 required readings. Seriously.

The Lists I Like To Make

2009-06-30T22:31:00.000-05:00

I like to make lists. It's my obsessive/compulsive side. I make lists for grocery shopping, to do lists, reading lists, lists of lists. All kinds of lists. Long lists, short lists, color coded lists.

I was listening to our Pastor of Senior Adults preach on Sunday night (he was talking about the poor in spirit) and something he said got me thinking about myself and when I am at my best. So, being the list maker that I am I decided to put down a few thoughts.

I'm a much better person when I'm:
Laughing - I love to laugh. I learned to laugh when I was ten, watching AW and Viv. I didn't always get the jokes, but I knew that when they shared in laughter there was joy in it and I wanted to be a part of it.
Listening - God has given me a lot of life experiences to share, but sometimes I need to be quite and listen.
Praying - I don't do this enough.
Seeking - I forget sometimes that I don't know everything.
Making people laugh - I love to laugh. I think I said that. There is a special thrill in making someone laugh with you.
Being honest - sometimes you can be dishonest even when you don't say anything.
Encouraging someone - maybe with those life experiences of mine.

I'm a better person when I'm not:
Grumpy
Impatient
Jealous
Bitter
Angry
Selfish

Maybe I ended up making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. But somehow I feel better saying them - that maybe somehow by putting them down here, I'll be able to be a better person.

Summer Resolutions

2009-06-23T00:02:00.000-05:00

I would like to start by saying - it's midnight. The free wi-fi I normally get at home is no where to be found. However, I am on the 3G network. Is this a dream? Unable to sleep I was thinking back to the beginning of the year. How am I doing on my goals for 2009? I refuse to call them "resolutions" for whatever reason. Anyway, the goals were simple and are jotted down on a piece of paper in my Bible, I think. Something like: eat healthy, focus on spiritual growth, debt/finances, be a better everything (mom, friend, cousin). So not exactly measurable goals. I'm not up in the middle of the night though to write about those goals or my progress so it doesn't matter. It's been a good year so far and I'll leave it at that.

On with the summer goals, which is really the point. More of a "to do" list, maybe?
1. Enroll in fall classes (done, yay!)
2. Get new computer for school
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first)
5. Invite my lost friend to church.
6. Paint the upstairs o my apartment.
7. Spend more qt with G$.
8. Walk the dog.

Ok, these seem doable. Come, Sandman, so tomorrow will get here and I can get moving on these things.

The Things I Over Do

2009-05-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, I admit it. I over do it on a few things.

On staff at the church, we talk sometimes about how we don't have to do everything, but the things that we are doing, we need to do really well. It's a good philosophy when you think about it. This way, we aren't doing everything with mediocre results.

In my personal life, it's a different story. I tend to over do it.

I over spend. I think I know how much I have to spend, and then I usually spend a little bit more than that. And I have usually overestimated what I had to spend to begin with. I love to shop!

I over laugh. What makes most people laugh makes me over laugh. Louder and longer than everyone else. And if most people find it hysterical, then I usually can't breathe or I've fallen on the floor I'm laughing so hard. I miss scenes in movies because I am laughing at something and don't hear what comes next. This one I can't control, and I don't even try to curb it anymore. I just love to laugh!

I over pack. Yep, I'm an over packer. If I'm going somewhere I like to take several outfits for each day. There's the weather to consider, and I'm also known for dropping things on the front of my shirt when I eat, so there's that factor too. You might want to dress different for the evening that during the day which of course means different shoes as well. And there has to be a bag just for hair and make-up items. I have found it's far better to over pack than under pack. (Although I have been known to use underpacking as a way to go over-shopping while over-laughing all the way).

I over communicate. Sometimes it's because I say things that should be left unsaid (engage filter) and sometimes it's because I repeat myself (if I do that it must be your fault and I think you're not listening).

I am an over-lover. Last week in staff meeting as we were dicussing our new sermon series on relationships, I thought for a while about friendships and relationships in my own life. I tend to try and be everyone's best friend but don't ever let anyone be mine. I don't trust women for the most part, and avoid getting close to people outside my circle of trust. Once I let someone in though, I tend to be very selfish. Maybe protective is a better word, but the phrase "mine, mine, mine" comes to mind. I heard a three year old say that once, and it seems very articulate for how I feel about the people I choose to let in. So I guess I'm an over-lover when it gets right down to it, which I guess is better than the alternative.

God Is Bigger Than The Boogey-man

2009-04-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

So...I wrote this blog back at Easter. Just now getting around to posting...

What an amazing Easter. God really showed up in an amazing way today. Not that he doesn't always, but today we really had a buzz. So much so that I wasn't ready to leave even after five hours, two services and Sunday School. I had a moment where I just wanted to thank God for being so amazing and faithful and for allowing me to be a part of such an incredible team. As I was thanking Him for all His blessings, I realized some significance about today. Four years ago to the day, my life was changed - both completely and forever. During that time, and as painful as it was, I never felt alone. God was always there with me, His Holy Spirit comforting me. In the days that followed, I often felt panic, fear, anger, resentment...but I was never without Hope.

Now, four years later, that terrible day fell on Easter Sunday and I realized as I sat in church, "Hey, it's not about me." No huge revelation there, but something so much bigger than my pain happened today over 2,000 years ago. My God is bigger than death, than Hell and the grave. He is bigger than my past and my pain. The power that brought Jesus back to life from the dead is the same power that God used to reframe my life and my future. God took my brokenness and put me back together.

My life didn't end four years ago. Here I am, four years later, living in a borrowed garage apartment with my almost-seven year old. God has been faithful. I look around and know I never thought I would be here, but today, on this day, there is no where else I'd rather be.