It's Thanksgiving!!

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I love the holidays. Gavin has been so excited this year, asking when we're doing what, where are we going, what are we taking...and on and on. Then repeat. The older he gets, the more fun it is. I try to stop and see it through his eyes and remember what it felt like, instead of worrying about what I'm forgetting and what needs to be done. I almost feel like I'm succeeding today! It's an accomplishment for me, because normally I overwhelm myself with things "to-do."

This year, we decided to spend the night on Thanksgiving Eve at my cousin's house, and we had a great time. We didn't do anything special, just talked, watched tv, cooked, ate. The typical holiday stuff. It feels good to not be rushing and worrying - there is no agenda and nothing that needs to be done until at least Sunday. Awesome.

So I'm thinking about being thankful. I'm thankful for a lot of things, and I was reticent to list any of it on Facebook like so many do (and if you do this, I'm not judging you - seriously) - I have my reasons. Anyway, I thought I'd compile a short list of the things I'm thankful for:

1. The little dog chewing on my sock right now. It really makes me happy when I see how happy he makes Gavin.
2. School. My first semester back is almost over - only two more weeks. I'm glad it's drawing to an end, but I feel so blessed to be going to school, and I'm really enjoying it.
3. My family. They do a lot for me and I love them. I don't know many people who are randomly close to a first cousin like I am, especially when we have such a large family out there - but this works for us, and I am blessed by it every single day. (Love you).
4. My church family. I am blessed with a wonderful church/job. Fabulous people who live loving Jesus every day. People who think of me and my son, love us and care for us. People so easy to love in return.
5. My friends. There are a few from my church/work family that I'll know forever - no matter where we go. You're special to me! And a few friends I have that have been my friends for years.
6. My son. The love of my life.

Right now, I'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting on the W's to get back from the Turkey Trot. There's a turkey cooking. The dressing is ready to go in the oven. Potatoes still need to be peeled. Eggs boiling in a pot on the stove. It's Thanksgiving, and I feel thankful.

I'm A Groupie. Maybe?

Someone called me a "groupie" this week. Twice, actually. It didn't bother me, but I've been thinking about it. It was in reference to me and some of my friends propensity to attend concerts and speaking engagements by Christian artists. Who is coming? When are they going to be here? How much does it cost? Where are they going to be? And so on. When we hear of these events, we share them with each other. We get excited about it, we talk about it before hand...and then we discuss it at length once it's over. We compare speakers, musicians, our favorite things, what we hated...sometimes we argue. Mostly we just have a good time.

But that's not what I really want to talk about. What I'm really thinking about is this "groupie" thing. When I think of a "groupie," I imagine a sixteen year old, following around a rockstar or band, hoping to meet them or at least get an autograph. So when this person referred to me as a "groupie" (okay, I'm gonna stop putting it in quotation marks now) it didn't really seem like the right term. I don't follow a specific speaker or band, and I definitely don't try to meet whoever it is I'm going to see (ok, I did meet David Crowder, but that was by total accident, and I made a fool of myself with non-stop talking).

So who is it I'm following?

Who is it I want to see?

I guess it's Jesus. I never thought about it before. But I look forward to the music because I want to sing about Jesus and worship God. I want to hear the speakers because I want insight into things I don't know about the Bible, and I want the encouragement to live more like Jesus did.

I read Matthew 4:19-20 this morning: "Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” And they left their nets at once and followed him."

At once. Really? At once.

Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a groupie. When Jesus called His disciples, in this case, Peter and Andrew, they were ready and they went right away. That seems scary to me. I'm proud to be a Jesus Groupie, but I live this comfy life where I can work Jesus in mostly as I see fit. In my heart, I say, "God, I'll do whatever you ask me to." But it's the "at once" that I get stuck on.

There was a Friends episode once, where they "made plans to make plans." This is really funny to me, because I do that all the time. So I guess it the case of being a Jesus Groupie, I'm at least willing to be willing. Will that work for now?

BFF Forever

I realize that adding the "forever" after BFF is redundant, but I want to emphasize the "forever forever" part.

I have a great friend coming into town this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. I've been thinking about her, how long we've been friends, and the path life has taken for us...I love her. She's my forever friend. The kind of friend you can not see or talk to for ages, and then you pick up right where you left off. All this led me to thoughts about friendship in general. Who you trust. Who you don't. Who the "users" are. There are those who need you to be their friend, but you don't really want to let them be yours.

I admit, I'm not one for titles and labels. In my adult life, I have only ever referred to one person as my BFF. If I feel particularly affectionate toward someone, I might refer to them as my "great friend" or "my best girlfriend" or something of that nature. But there is a lot to be said for the BFF. Can you have more than one? Is the title really necessary? I'll let you ponder these things, while I move on to my top ten list.

The top 10 things it takes to be a BFF (or at least mine, anyway)

10. A good sense of humor. I like to OLOL, and odds are, if you're my BFF, I'm gonna make fun of you. Return the favor whenever possible, and I'll know you love me too.
9. Honesty. A good friend will always tell you the truth in love. "I love you in Jesus' name, but you're being really selfish right now."
8. A little bit of class. See number 9. It always helps when you're "telling the truth in love" to say it nicely. No one likes a meany.
7. Integrity. This requires having a strong constitution that you live your life by. This one is my most favorite of them all. It means you don't lie or cheat. No funny business. No question marks over your head. If I look at you and there is a question mark hanging over your head about something, sorry. You're can't be on the BFF list anymore.
6. Faithfulness. You don't change. You have to be stedfast. I have to know that what I see is what I get, and there aren't any surprises. I don't like surprises. Keep my secrets.
5. Loyalty. You have to have my back, even when I'm wrong and stupid. You can tell me how wrong and stupid I am all day long (see number 9 again) but you have to stand by me.
4. Forgiveness. I make mistakes. But I know how to offer a good apology, and I'm gonna need some grace sometimes. (See number 8).
3. Selflessness. Being my BFF means sometimes, you'll have to put yourself aside and do what I want - or give me what I need.
2. Kindness. As previously mentioned, there will be mistakes made and forgiveness needed but you don't get to be mean just because you're having a bad day or you don't feel good. That's lame. I love you the way you are - but don't be a selfish meany.
1. Love. I Cor. 13:13 Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. If I ever get a tattoo, that's what it will say - faith, hope and love...those are the things that last. To paraphrase Francis Chan, when you love someone, you'll do anything for them and you look forward to being with them.

I realize my top 10 list is comprised of mostly buzz words...but I like to look at it. These are the things I look for in a BFF, but also all the things I have to offer.

How The Biggest Loser Made Me Feel Small

So a lady from Kaufman is on this season of The Biggest Loser. I didn’t catch the first episode last week, but I do from time to time watch the show, and knowing that there was a person from Kaufman on it prompted me to tune in. Evidently she has an amazing story - I was intrigued.

I’ll start by saying that I do Jillian Michaels‘ Thirty Day Shred at least three times a week. I have never been a person who works out, but at 31 years of age, I finally decided I needed to work at being healthy. Sometime at the end of July, when Gav and I got back from vacation, I got serious about exercising. I was working out five days a week until school started. Now I’m down to three, but still feeling really good about it. I have never been “over weight” but I do struggle with bad eating habits, and I gain weight really easily. Growing up, I watched my mom gain and lose weight over and over...and being built like her, I never wanted to struggle the way I saw her struggle. I also want to set a good example for Gav that he grow up eating healthy foods and making exercise a part of his life.

Jillian Michaels is down right mean. She screams, she yells, she pushes...but her stuff works! So many people I know personally can testify to her Thirty Day Shred. I’m one of them. Watching The Biggest Loser the other night, I didn’t see her do much yelling and cursing, but I did have an intimate look into those peoples lives. I admit it. I sat on my couch and cried for them. I felt so small and selfish, all the times I have thought of myself and the pound or two that I wanted to lose. I have never struggled the way those people were struggling.

For some reason, the world takes satisfaction in seeing people fail. We have seen how people go on the show and lose weight, only to gain it back when the show is over. We see their pictures on the internet. Their failure, their humiliation, displayed for everyone to see. Watching that show reminded me - I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one in need. The lady from Kaufman? Evidently, she lost her family in an accident. And to see her smile and be an encouragement to others was an inspiration to me. So I prayed over them. I prayed those people would be healed from their disease, whatever it is that makes them over weight. That they would have power over it and not let it control them. There was so much passion and so much emotion and hurt in them. I could relate to them, even though I have never been in their shoes. Everyone has hurts and struggles. I have had moments in my own life, where I have wondered, “when am I gonna get my turn at happiness?” Will I watch this show every week? Probably not. Will I pray over them every week? I probably won’t do that either. But maybe somewhere, there’s somebody who’s praying for people like me...and their prayers will make me stronger, the way I hope mine helped the people on that show.

On A Good Day

Here I go again! I don't know if I'm blogging so much because I have a computer at home now, or if I'm just trying to stimulate my mind...finding myself back in school after being out for six years is a little hard. I'm surrounded by smart people...people with letters after their names, and I never understand what they're talking about, so I'm trying to finish up my bachelors degree.

I think I might be a control freak. The past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of spiritual searching. Asking the Lord a lot of questions. Today I had what I like to refer to as a "moment". Some people might call it a "melt down". Lots of fears, crouching in on me at one time, and I threw up the white flag.

I won't go into listing all my fears, but they are there...some are silly, some deeply rooted in the past...some of them are just normal fears. Today I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend this summer. Just in casual conversation she and I had over a period of several days, she noted that she picked up some queues from me that I have a lot of fears. That I often use phrases like, "I'm afraid that..." or "my fear is" and "I'm scared of..." I was a little surprised by her candid observation of my inner self, and so I had to think if over a while. And...well...she was right. Now, this is particularly embarrassing for me, because I'm a Bible believin' girl, and I'll be the FIRST one to tell you, God has not given us a spirit of fear! That worry is a sin, that we have to TRUST GOD...

So my friend's really great words came back to me today. On a GOOD day, I can control myself. I can't control situations or other people. But I can try really hard to control my thoughts, my attitude and my tongue. It's when I start to worry about that things that I can't control that fear creeps in. It seems so simple when you dumb it down...why worry or be afraid of something that is out of my control? So what am I claiming...or reclaiming? Myself I think. That I will have a good day in Jesus' name and I will control myself.

The Jeff Johnson Experience

DNOW - this past weekend. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was a color mom, and thought I was going to have G$, and that I'd have to do a lot of shuffling him around to get the job done. I thought about backing out, which I never do. (Ok, I did drop that history class with 14 reading assignments but I don't back out when I've given someone my word). G$'s dad called out of the blue and asked to have him over the weekend, and there it was. God's hand, sweeping down and saying, "I'm taking care of this. You can't quit. And you won't have G$ (does God refer to him as G$? Not sure...) so you won't have any mom guilt."

Ok, God. Thanks. What about the other reasons I don't want to do this? It's going to be hot. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm spiritually weak right now. Satan is in my head telling me to exclude myself. But He had taken care of the main thing (G$), and I gave my word to my friends that I would do it, so I did. And of course, like He always does, God shows up and meets me right where I am.

The Holy Spirit really spoke to me through the music. Music is my thing. I love to sing, buy music, share it, listen to it over and over...just wear it out. Not having G$, I decided to go to worship and hear this Jeff Johnson guy and his band. I heard a lot of great things about him from Super Summer and was really looking forward to it.

I met Jeff Johnson. He sings well, he plays well. And he was really nice. Can he walk on water? Probably not. He was a normal guy, humbly anointed by God to lead worship. There was a moment on the first night when one of the kids yelled out, "I love you Jeff Johnson!" And I saw the look on his face...he smiled, but there was angst there too. The kids loving him is not what it's about. It's about getting to a place where it's not about the spot you're standing in, or the people you're standing with, or who is on the stage...but where are you with God? I had a moment of internal dialogue where I thought of a witticism I read somewhere, something like, "If you’re not close to God anymore, guess who moved?" Ok, I did. I don’t know when, probably little by little. Somehow, the main thing hasn’t been the main thing in a long time.

Our guest speaker, Richard Ross, spoke on Sunday morning about praying to a little Jesus what we can take in and out of our pocket when we need Him and then put Him back. After meeting with Him in worship Saturday night, I knew without a doubt - I don't want a little Jesus. I want Big, Almighty, Powerful, Overwhelming God. I realized that being truly happy, truly satisfied, is believing and living that He is Enough.

So I did my color mom thing, connected with some teenagers I didn't know that well and realized how awesome our youth are. They love Jesus. And they listen. And they have good hearts. And they blessed me by letting me be with them. My team didn't win. Another way God put me in my place. I wanted to win for me, for bragging rights. But He said no. God used the weekend to remind me that he is sovereign, that He has the power to fill me up, and that when I submit to Him, He shows up and reveals Himself.

Where I Am Today

I posted some personal goals a few months back, and need to affirm where I am with them.

Here they are again:

1. Enroll in fall classes DONE
2. Get new computer for school DONE
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten (soon!)
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first) (after #3!)
5. Invite my lost friend to church. (Haven't done this one yet)
6. Paint the upstairs of my apartment. DONE
7. Spend more qt with G$. DONE
8. Walk the dog. Ok, So I don't have the dog anymore...

I've been nervously excited about going back to school. Yesterday was the first afternoon of class. I walked onto campus - no wait - first of all...I swung by the Apple store to return a bag, then I went to the bookstore and bought books, then I went to the student center and got my i.d. and parking pass and THEN I made it to campus. The campus seems to have doubled in size since the last class I took in 2003. I was lost. I paid $125 for a parking sticker, drove around for 20 minutes, and finally parked on a meter and paid another $3 so I wouldn't be late to class. In my mind, it's not going great, but I'm trying to play it cool. I get out of my car and start walking...now this is the first time I've taken a regular day class at SMU. All of my classes have been in the evening, and so most of the students have been working class and not the regular student body. The campus is flooded with students. All beautiful people. Seriously. All beautiful. And I never felt so plain vanilla. With crows feet.

I get to class, and the professor and I are the only ones over the age of 21. This is where the tables turned. I'm the oldest student in the class, but I also realize they are all babies. They know nothing. The professor is talking about atonement, resurrection, exclusivism and they know nothing of what he speaks. Wow. I accepted Christ at the age of 7 and I have never known what it feels like to live in total darkness like this. I was amazed at what they didn't know about God. How do you win and entire class over in Jesus' name? I'm not sure yet...

I'm sure tonight will be another adventure. History. With 14 required readings. Seriously.