The very first year I went to camp as a counselor, I remember feeling excited and nervous and under qualified. Going on a week long stay to the mountains of Oklahoma in the middle of July is enough to test anyone's faith! It's hot! And it's Oklahoma!
Anyway...I remember very clearly the first night there...our whole youth group stood in a circle along with all the counselors and our youth pastor lead us in a prayer...he asked each of us to repeat this phrase, and only this phrase, "Lord, I'm listening." We went around the circle, each of use praying those three words. I have prayed those words hundreds of times since then. Always in times when I so desperately needed to hear from God...sometimes I pray them over and over, just asking God to give me something to hear.
Sometimes I hear Him clearly. Sometimes I think He doesn't speak, only to realize later I missed it completely. Sometimes, I close my eyes and lean forward, straining so hard to hear something. Most often, I'm just too busy and making too much noise to hear anything.
Lately the world seems like chaos. Lately everything seems out of control, and there seem to be so many things I don't understand. Mostly, lately, I find myself feeling like I simply don't know what to do. So I'm learning to be still. I'm learning to listen again.
I have a friend who on more than one occasion has asked me to pray for this or that, because he seems to think I "hear from the Holy Spirit." I know I do, and I know we all do, if we only listen. There have been times where He has spoken so clearly to me, the only way I know how to explain it is to say He wrote it on my heart. There have been times where it was almost an audible voice telling me what to do. There have been times where I asked Him to speak through someone and He did.
So this year was hard. Things got rough. He didn't stop speaking, but I stopped listening. There have been times this year where I remember thinking I couldn't remember the last time I heard from the Holy Spirit.
I had a moment several months ago, where I woke up on a Tuesday morning, and stood praying in my bathroom...praying that God would tell me what to do and that He would speak through a particular friend. There answer that my heart truly wanted from God wasn't likely to come through this friend, because I already knew his heart on the matter at hand, but I asked it in this way anyway. I finished up that prayer, got the kids to school, and went on to work. I wasn't even thinking about this prayer by the time I was getting into my morning routine...but two hours hadn't passed before my friend sat down and said something like, "so, I really feel like you need to know..." And there it was. I just sat staring at him. And then tried to explain through tears that I had asked God to speak through him that very morning, and God had. In a moment, just like that, I had a renewed sense of faith that I didn't even know I needed.
In case you're wondering, the answer God gave me wasn't the one I wanted. I know that God knew my heart, and what I wanted to hear. And I knew very clearly that He was speaking to me very directly. Even though the answer brought me sadness at the time, there was no doubting it was the right answer, and there was so much peace in that.
I went back as a camp counselor with the same group the following year, and we repeated the exercise. I honestly can't remember what the phrase was the second year, but now, 12 years later, I'm still praying that same prayer..."Lord, I'm listening."
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