The One About Friends

ST - here you go!

I have a friend in my life who is fighting really hard for me to trust people and make myself vulnerable. He's using words like, "trust" and "vulnerable." 

For the first time I'm looking at people differently. I say up to this point I've been a poor judge of character. My cousin says I take people at face value and that I need to have a stronger constitution of the people I let into my heart. Admittedly, I do not know how to do this.  I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl and currently I am at "nothing" on making new friends. I don't want to trust anyone, let anyone in or give anyone the benefit of the doubt. To be honest, it's not because I'm angry or bitter...it's because I'm tired. I'm tired of starting over only to be reminded that people change (or they don't change) and that even the "good" ones let you down.

This creates a problem, because I know this is not my nature - it's not the way God specifically and uniquely created ME to be - and also because it's not the design He has for us in general regarding community.

I'm an extrovert.  I like people.  I like to laugh and talk and do stuff.  But lately I find myself doing things alone, and it's never crossed my mind to invite someone.  Or I find myself thinking, "when G is home, we should do this or that."  Several weeks ago I found myself on the way to volunteer at a conference, and it struck me as I was driving down I-20 - "what in the world?  I don't know a single person out here!"  Meeting and talking to people wasn't a problem, but I definitely found myself thinking it would have been more fun if I'd brought a buddy.  Anyway, I think the reason that I'm writing this is because I'm liking this aloneness sort of, because it feels so safe - and that feels wrong.  Confusing.  

Praying for healing. In my heart and in relationships.