I have wanted to blog all week. Every night I laid down in bed with words and phrases floating around in my brain, and I didn't get up and write them down. I should have, because most of them are forever gone. Here's what they might have looked like:
Monday - The One About How I Should Write My Term Paper - because now it's almost Easter Sunday and that paper is due (10 pages) on April 25. It's not even started. Well, that's not entirely true. I did save a template and give it a title.
Tuesday - The One About Getting Ready for Tenebrae
Wednesday - The One About Tenebrae and Wednesday - What a beautiful service. It's my second favorite service of the year, and it feels so special. I love Holy Week, and how we draw so much closer to the passion of Christ during this time. The service went well.
I was talking to my friend Aaron about this day in Jesus' life. Wednesday, the day before the Last Supper. What was Jesus doing on this day? The Gospels don't tell us, and Aaron said some scholars think Jesus was in hiding because of what had happened in the temple on Monday and Tuesday. I want to know. Where was he? What was he doing? Who was he with?
Thursday - The One About Still Thinking About Blogging and What Jesus Was Doing on Wednesday
Friday - The One About Good Friday - The office is closed on Good Friday, but several of us were there getting ready for Easter. I was satisfied with how we concluded the week, all we got done, and what Easter Sunday looks like. Nervous. Excited. Grumpy. Anxious. Nervous.
Gavin had a baseball game. Love watching him play ball.
Saturday - The One About Saturday - We had band rehearsal this morning, then I went through the sermon several times with the Pastor. Nap. Service at Lake Pointe. Dinner. Shopping. Now sitting up when I should be sleeping.
Thoughts about tomorrow - it will go well. The team will all give their best. We will celebrate the victory of Jesus over death and the grave! I already feel so thankful.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The One About Palm Sunday
You know that feeling you get when you check your email, and you have one in the subject line that reads, "Overdraft Protection Notice?" No? It's anxiety. Bills to pay, food and gas to buy, and payday is a week away. Stress. Worry.
What about the feeling you get when the phone rings in the middle of the night? Alarm. A bit of fear. It's never good.
What about the feeling you get when a friend whose opinion you care about says, "We need to talk?" Dread. "We need to talk" is code for "you're a big dummy and here's why."
What about the feeling you get when you say, "Where have you been?" and he starts telling you where he's really been? The room spins on that one.
What about when your friend comes into the hospital waiting room, and says, "Well, it's cancer?" Words fail you, and suddenly you understand Romans 8:26 - the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.
Sometimes, life just stinks. We have a lot of yucky feelings, and we want to fast forward, or turn back time, or trade places or be invisible...but we can't.
I laid down tonight wondering how He felt on this night so many years ago. Fickle Jerusalem, how she loved him that day. And yet He wept over the city. Did anyone see? Did they look away, as people do when someone cries - confused and embarrassed? Certainly they didn't understand His words. Was His dear friend Peter an arms length away, and yet He felt alone?
I just climbed into bed, put the iPhone on its docking station, and felt that joy inside of not having to set the alarm. Did Jesus rest this night, so many years ago? Or did He lay awake thinking? Praying? I realize I don't know anxiety, stress, worry...loneliness...
The weight and sin of the world on His mind, and with five days to go...was He thinking of me?
What about the feeling you get when the phone rings in the middle of the night? Alarm. A bit of fear. It's never good.
What about the feeling you get when a friend whose opinion you care about says, "We need to talk?" Dread. "We need to talk" is code for "you're a big dummy and here's why."
What about the feeling you get when you say, "Where have you been?" and he starts telling you where he's really been? The room spins on that one.
What about when your friend comes into the hospital waiting room, and says, "Well, it's cancer?" Words fail you, and suddenly you understand Romans 8:26 - the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.
Sometimes, life just stinks. We have a lot of yucky feelings, and we want to fast forward, or turn back time, or trade places or be invisible...but we can't.
I laid down tonight wondering how He felt on this night so many years ago. Fickle Jerusalem, how she loved him that day. And yet He wept over the city. Did anyone see? Did they look away, as people do when someone cries - confused and embarrassed? Certainly they didn't understand His words. Was His dear friend Peter an arms length away, and yet He felt alone?
I just climbed into bed, put the iPhone on its docking station, and felt that joy inside of not having to set the alarm. Did Jesus rest this night, so many years ago? Or did He lay awake thinking? Praying? I realize I don't know anxiety, stress, worry...loneliness...
The weight and sin of the world on His mind, and with five days to go...was He thinking of me?
Monday, April 11, 2011
The One About Friends
ST - here you go!
I have a friend in my life who is fighting really hard for me to trust people and make myself vulnerable. He's using words like, "trust" and "vulnerable."
For the first time I'm looking at people differently. I say up to this point I've been a poor judge of character. My cousin says I take people at face value and that I need to have a stronger constitution of the people I let into my heart. Admittedly, I do not know how to do this. I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl and currently I am at "nothing" on making new friends. I don't want to trust anyone, let anyone in or give anyone the benefit of the doubt. To be honest, it's not because I'm angry or bitter...it's because I'm tired. I'm tired of starting over only to be reminded that people change (or they don't change) and that even the "good" ones let you down.
This creates a problem, because I know this is not my nature - it's not the way God specifically and uniquely created ME to be - and also because it's not the design He has for us in general regarding community.
I'm an extrovert. I like people. I like to laugh and talk and do stuff. But lately I find myself doing things alone, and it's never crossed my mind to invite someone. Or I find myself thinking, "when G is home, we should do this or that." Several weeks ago I found myself on the way to volunteer at a conference, and it struck me as I was driving down I-20 - "what in the world? I don't know a single person out here!" Meeting and talking to people wasn't a problem, but I definitely found myself thinking it would have been more fun if I'd brought a buddy. Anyway, I think the reason that I'm writing this is because I'm liking this aloneness sort of, because it feels so safe - and that feels wrong. Confusing.
Praying for healing. In my heart and in relationships.
I have a friend in my life who is fighting really hard for me to trust people and make myself vulnerable. He's using words like, "trust" and "vulnerable."
For the first time I'm looking at people differently. I say up to this point I've been a poor judge of character. My cousin says I take people at face value and that I need to have a stronger constitution of the people I let into my heart. Admittedly, I do not know how to do this. I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl and currently I am at "nothing" on making new friends. I don't want to trust anyone, let anyone in or give anyone the benefit of the doubt. To be honest, it's not because I'm angry or bitter...it's because I'm tired. I'm tired of starting over only to be reminded that people change (or they don't change) and that even the "good" ones let you down.
This creates a problem, because I know this is not my nature - it's not the way God specifically and uniquely created ME to be - and also because it's not the design He has for us in general regarding community.
I'm an extrovert. I like people. I like to laugh and talk and do stuff. But lately I find myself doing things alone, and it's never crossed my mind to invite someone. Or I find myself thinking, "when G is home, we should do this or that." Several weeks ago I found myself on the way to volunteer at a conference, and it struck me as I was driving down I-20 - "what in the world? I don't know a single person out here!" Meeting and talking to people wasn't a problem, but I definitely found myself thinking it would have been more fun if I'd brought a buddy. Anyway, I think the reason that I'm writing this is because I'm liking this aloneness sort of, because it feels so safe - and that feels wrong. Confusing.
Praying for healing. In my heart and in relationships.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The One About Passion
Easter is three weeks from today. I can't sleep.
I also can't breathe. I spent Thursday and Friday in The Fort Worth volunteering at the Passion Conference. I wish there was one pic that I could upload that would say it all, but there's just not. I took a ton of photos, and I don't even know where to start. I got a lot of creative ideas, met a lot of people, and was able to be a part of something huge.
Thursday was the last day of load in. Myself and about 30 other people put together welcome packets for the 9,500 participants...I spent the night with a friend I hadn't seen in months, and we had a great time catching up.
Friday I was on the directional touch team, and spent most of the day standing outside, directing people where to go. The wind blew in my face all day, and evidently I'm allergic to that. Saw David Crowder for the...um...fifth time...
I woke up Saturday and...went back to sleep. Came home early and slept most of the day in bed. Allergies stink.
Gav and I rented Tangled and enjoyed watching that while eating ice cream.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The One About the Truth
There's a funny thing about the truth. You either love it or you hate it. Sometimes both. In my own life, it's never been the truth so much that was horrific, as have been the lies that have kept it hidden. I love truth, but I do believe that because we are sinful we can't always tell the truth all the time. I wish someone would persuade me otherwise.
There have been times I have wanted to lie, but told the truth instead. Sometimes telling the truth costs you things. Sometimes you lose things because of it. But I've never wished I hadn't told (or that someone hadn't told me) the truth.
I'm thinking about it mostly because Easter is approaching and more than just planning, organizing and creating, I'm trying to keep my focus on all the things Good Friday and Easter Sunday are really about. It's not about a spectacle of performance, stage design, songs, sermons or any of that. Jesus said, "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." I love knowing that everything He says is good and true. Even when I'm wretched, hate the truth of who I am and have a propensity to sometimes ignore the truth when I hear it, I am loved by God who is faithful and true. Always loved by Him.
There have been times I have wanted to lie, but told the truth instead. Sometimes telling the truth costs you things. Sometimes you lose things because of it. But I've never wished I hadn't told (or that someone hadn't told me) the truth.
I'm thinking about it mostly because Easter is approaching and more than just planning, organizing and creating, I'm trying to keep my focus on all the things Good Friday and Easter Sunday are really about. It's not about a spectacle of performance, stage design, songs, sermons or any of that. Jesus said, "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." I love knowing that everything He says is good and true. Even when I'm wretched, hate the truth of who I am and have a propensity to sometimes ignore the truth when I hear it, I am loved by God who is faithful and true. Always loved by Him.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The One About the Weekend
Five things I did this weekend.
1. Bought Easter shoes.
2. Had dinner with a friend. Twice. Two different friends.
3. Slept 12 hours Saturday night.
4. Discovered a yummy new summer drink at Starbucks.
5. Rested on Sabbath.
And three things I didn't.
1. Write my debate that's due tomorrow afternoon.
2. Prepare the lecture I'm giving tomorrow night.
3. Get my oil changed.
Check this out:
1. Bought Easter shoes.
2. Had dinner with a friend. Twice. Two different friends.
3. Slept 12 hours Saturday night.
4. Discovered a yummy new summer drink at Starbucks.
5. Rested on Sabbath.
And three things I didn't.
1. Write my debate that's due tomorrow afternoon.
2. Prepare the lecture I'm giving tomorrow night.
3. Get my oil changed.
Check this out:
The One About Me Being Right
Back in September I told a friend, "I wish I could fast forward six months. I know in six months I won't feel this way." That was seven months ago. I was right!! If there is one thing I know how to do, it's how to let God heal me and move on. Even in moments of crazy my-life-is-insane-and-upside-down pain, I know I'm going to be ok.
I offer a few reasons why I know this:
1. History tells me so. My own history.
2. The people who love me tell me so.
3. I tell myself so.
4. The Bible tells me so. Romans 8:28. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Because I've made mistakes, I want to allow God to redeem those in me and let them be used for good. Several weeks ago, I got a random request to talk with someone I don't really know that well because he was struggling and knew I had been in his shoes. He wanted to talk about his junk, and I wanted to let God use my junk...so we talked. I had to pull back the veil on some of the junk in my past so this person would know I had the authority to say the things I was saying. That was tough. But God used it.
I love what happens at the end of Genesis 50. Joseph tells his brothers - you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. Sometimes people don't intend to harm us, but they do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm others, but we do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm ourselves...but we do. Whichever way it goes down, God can use it for good. The hard part is not knowing how He's going to use it. The beauty is knowing He will, and seeing when He does!
I offer a few reasons why I know this:
1. History tells me so. My own history.
2. The people who love me tell me so.
3. I tell myself so.
4. The Bible tells me so. Romans 8:28. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Because I've made mistakes, I want to allow God to redeem those in me and let them be used for good. Several weeks ago, I got a random request to talk with someone I don't really know that well because he was struggling and knew I had been in his shoes. He wanted to talk about his junk, and I wanted to let God use my junk...so we talked. I had to pull back the veil on some of the junk in my past so this person would know I had the authority to say the things I was saying. That was tough. But God used it.
I love what happens at the end of Genesis 50. Joseph tells his brothers - you intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. Sometimes people don't intend to harm us, but they do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm others, but we do. Sometimes we don't intend to harm ourselves...but we do. Whichever way it goes down, God can use it for good. The hard part is not knowing how He's going to use it. The beauty is knowing He will, and seeing when He does!
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