The Things I Worshiped in 2010

I was talking back and forth today with a friend who shared some sin he has had in his life. I shared some of mine. A verse popped into my head, and here we are.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21. (That's King James to show you how serious I am).

I was telling my friend how something had gotten out of control in my life and had become idol worship. It really made me look back over the year and think about what else I was worshiping/serving this year besides God. Here's a list (you're not surprised):

-A relationship. You're still not surprised. I'll be brief. This is the biggest one. I even realized it, at one point saying, "you have become an idol in my life." I broke God's heart. What a horrible feeling.
-Trust. I idolized trust, wanting someone who would never lie or let me down. But we are all human, and we all do that stuff. Jesus is the only one who won't let me down.
-My job. I don't like putting this one. I love my job. It is multi-faceted and I love all its parts. But sometimes I let it consume me and I only blame myself. I can easily let it become my identity.
-My "to do" list. This is different from work, because it includes all kinds of stuff. Go here, get this, do that, see this. On and on.
-Lots of other material things. My Explorer. I've said I miss it about 1,000 times. Clothes. I've shopped a lot. New stuff for the house. Decorations, etc.

The things I have to be careful not to worship:

-My home. I just love it. Happy in a home for the first time in five years. But it's just a building. It's material.
-My education. I have focused on it so much this year. I want desperately to have my degree and I pushed too hard this year, with less than four weeks off since January.
-Other things I can't think of right now.

So back to the Bible verse. When that popped into my head, I immediately knew that is my verse for 2011. I want to live it out. I want to show God that He is my treasure and He has my heart.

Thanksgiving, We Hardly Knew Ye

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  James 5:15.  James is my favorite book in the Bible, and I love this verse.  I come to you today confessing sin, and asking you to pray for me.

Here it is:  I am ready for Christmas as soon as we put up the Halloween costumes.  I know, I'm hideous!  I'm covering my face right now.  I don't want to "rush Christmas" and I don't want to "forget to be thankful," but really, I'm ready to celebrate the birth of Jesus!  I'm ready to play Christmas music (ok, I did that anyway, and drove everyone in the office crazy), put out decorations and drink waisal.  

I am all about being thankful, and I don't want to go against George Washington or my pastor, but what's wrong with being thankful all year long?  (I know no one is implying we shouldn't be thankful all year long, I'm just being dramatic).  I stop short of putting Thanksgiving in the same bucket as Valentine's Day, but this year, I was really left with the impression that I need to learn how to show gratitude to God and others 364 other days out of the year.  (That is to say, we should be thankful all year long, just like we should show others we love them all year long.  Not just on one day out of the year.)

This Thanksgiving season, we had an amazing series called Thankful: The Life-changing Power of Gratitude.  It was really great, and we spent a lot of time as a church and staff evaluating all we have to be thankful for.  I spent a lot of time in prayer thanking God for all the wonderful things He has done for me.  But secretly, I was harboring thoughts of Christmas the whole time.  And what's worse, while I'm confessing, we haven't even put baby Jesus in the manger yet, and I'm covertly thinking about Easter.  I can't help it!

There are plenty of people who voice their opinions about Christmas decor and music before Thanksgiving.  They scoff at CVS, and speak of Wal-Mart with contempt.  I will stand with shoulders back and fist raised - and I will represent those who walk the isles of these stores hiding a smile and secretly humming "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas."  I say, "bring it on!"  In the meantime, I'll continue to be "thankful" for my job and that I can begin listening to Christmas music as early as August if I want to, under the guise of "planning worship".

Porn is Bad

I just finished writing a research paper on "an issue plaguing the Christian church."  I have never.  Ever.  Written more than was required on a paper.  I love to write, but mostly I like to write about what I want to write about.  Not something someone else is making me write about.  So I tend to do a half-hearted job, write my papers and move on.  Except for this paper. I had every intention of being non-commital, writing a B paper and enjoying my holiday weekend.  I asked my pastor what I should write about, we discussed it and he gave me several resources to help me along.


This is where I stop and say, "porn is bad, people."  Seriously.  I mean it.  We knew that, right?  We don't look at porn, we are disgusted by it and it's shameful.  But reading the main resource that Pastor Brent gave me left me feeling helpless.  Helpless to ever find a man at my age who won't have a problem with it.  Helpless to protect my son from it.  Helpless to help others who have a problem with this addiction.  The main resource I used was The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations by The Witherspoon Institute.


Here are a few statistics I included in my paper from that text:

Americans rent 800 million pornography videos and DVDs every year, 11,000 porn films are shot each year, (compared to 400 produced by Hollywood each year), four billion dollars a year is spent on video porn, and one in four internet users looks at porn on a website in a given month.  Also, men look at pornography more than anything else they view on the internet, 80% of viewers of pornography on the internet are men, and 66% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site every month.

Oh.  My.  Life.  Forget everything else I said in the 10 pages of my paper.  Isn't that enough?  It's staggering.

My paper was three pages longer that it needed to be.  I didn't say everything I wanted to say or that needed to be said.  I'm still disturbed.  It's still on my mind.  I've been writing for two days, have things to deal with for worship services tomorrow, and still had to stop and write this blog.  I'm worried.  This is bad.


My own personal experience of seeing porn of the first time came at the age of seven or eight.  I lived on a farm.  In the evenings, my family would take a walk down the country road that we lived on, and my sister and I were allowed to play under the bridges on this road as we walked along.  The picture is that of a small town.  A country life.  A quiet summer evening.  And discovering a magazine under this bridge that someone had thrown out as they drove by.  I can still see these images in my mind and was unprepared for them that summer night.


My cousin's daughter was exposed to it on the playground at school in fifth grade.


I've seen families torn apart by one's addiction to it.


I think the thing that concerns me the most is protecting my son from this.  Once he sees it, it is likely those images will be forever engrained in his brain.  We have to teach our kids to live holy lives.  I pour into him that what we do with our bodies matters - I just pray he's hearing me and that he remembers.  Incidentally, he just came in and said, "look at my booger."  Normally that would annoy me.  But not tonight.    

New Release Tuesday

So most new music comes out on Tuesday...and I try to keep track of what's on the horizon.  It's been a year of really great music.  I decided to compile a list of my top ten favorites.

12.  Chris Tomlin - And If Our God Is for Us - The first track of Our God, with the orchestra...wow.  I'm loving I Lift My Hands & No Chains On Me.  This one has a lot of promise to move up on the list...it just came out last week.

11.  Passion: Awakening - Great one.  How can you miss with Crowder, Christy Nockles, Fee & Tomlin?  Faves: Healing is in Your Hands, Like a Lion.

10.  New Life Worship - I am Free - this actually came out at the end of '09.  I think I gave it to myself for Christmas.  It was my go-to for over half the year.  Faves are: My Savior Lives, I am Free, Your Name, Fairest.

9.  Jim Brickman - Never Alone - Never lose with Brickman.  I first fell in love with him during my stint at the DSO.  I love Never Alone, it has vocals from Lady A...my fave on the album is Gathering.  A new Brickman Christmas album came out last week.  I haven't checked it out yet, but it's an anniversary collection.

8.  Mercy Me - The Generous Mr. Lovewell - Forgot how much I enjoyed MM, until I saw them at American Airlines.  Lots of energy and great lyrics.  The concert was right before the album came out, so I pre-ordered it.  Wore it out for a good month, and Gav still asks to hear Move.

7.  Israel Houghton - Love God.  Love People. - Not one I can listen to every day, it's for a certain mood.  But I knew when I heard it, I had to have it.  Fav: You Hold My World.

6.  Lady Antebellum - Need You Now - Love their vocals.  Fun CD.  Fav song: Something 'Bout a Woman.

5.  Sugarland - The Incredible Machine - Not my favorite of all their albums, but this one makes the list because I saw them in concert for the first time this year.  Best concert in the history of the known world, ever.  I've been to a lot of concerts...this one was by far my most favorite.  From the album: Incredible Machine, Stuck Like Glue, & Find the Beat Again.

4.  Derek Webb - Feedback - This one is super cool.  I play it in the background a lot.  I love to play my music up loud in the office while I putter around, but I have NEVER been able to read OR write anything serious with music or tv playing at the same time.  This album changed that.  I love to play it softly while I'm reading/writing.  It's crazy good.  "An Instrumental Electronic Album Based on the Lord's Prayer."

3.  North Point Christmas - This record is so amazing.  I lovelovelove the way they take traditional Xmas songs and put a new spin on them.  The music and harmony and lyrics are just beautiful.  Faves: Do You Hear?, All Creation Sing, He Has Come for Us, Everything Changed, O Come All Ye Faithful - Buy this...you won't regret it; sing along and when they hit the bridge, you'll lift your hands.  It's amazing.

2.  Taylor Swift - Speak Now - I don't know how she does it.  She writes her own music, and it has all the insight and depth of someone who's lived a lifetime.  I've lived (living) most of the songs on the album.  My favorite song is different on different days.  Today's current faves are Sparks Fly &  Back to December.  Gav's fav is Mean.

1.  Elevation Worship - Kingdom Come - This is my new go-to album.  The new old-trusty.  The new...the new...I love it.  My personal favorites are: Awaken, Kingdom Come, Give Me Faith, Mercy Reigns.  But I really love the whole thing, over and over.  Again and again.  Everyone who loves Jesus and has ever been broken needs this record.

No one cares, but there it is!  I do realize it's twelve and not ten.  Once I got to ten, I decided to do two more and stop.  Probably could've gone to twenty.

Christmas albums on the radar:
Sugarland: Gold & Green (from last year)
Bifrost Arts: Salvation is Created (crazy good, beautifully artistic)
Jim Brickman: A Christmas Celebration
Faith Hill: Joy to the World ('08)
Brooklyn Tab: A Brooklyn Tabernacle Christmas

The Creative Process

I don't know anything about the "creative process." I read about it. I try to learn how others get creative and the methods they use. Some use music. Some go on retreats. Others seem to have creativity oozing out of them. Me? I don't have a process. I wish I could put on some cool tunes, light a candle and let the ideas just start flowing out of me, but it just doesn't work that way.

More often than not, I just need to try to go to bed at night, and then the ideas start coming. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night and have to write things down. Sometimes a broad idea, sometimes just a phrase, sometimes I just lay there and think for hours at a time.

A few things I have learned along the road I'm on:
1) write it down right away. I'm terribly lazy and I always think I'll remember it later, and don't have to stop what I'm doing immediately, but the thoughts never come back the same.

2) see what others are doing. I was completely against this six months ago. I wanted my ideas to be my own and not someone else's. I was concerned that I would see or hear about something someone else did, and then it wouldn't be an "original" idea. I wanted all my creativity to come from my own inspiration. Call me Narcissus. Wait, no, don't call me that.

3) have someone to talk to. I love talking about music, sermons, theology, drama, etc. It can be hard when I think I have a fun or exciting idea and there is no one around to share it with. There are two different people I like to bounce ideas off of. The one I go to first mostly tells me all my ideas are great, and gets me pumped up and excited about them. Then I go to the second person who is able to see flaws in my ideas and knows how to draw out other ideas and develop them.

4) don't be scared/take risks. Easier said than done. I have never been a risk taker. As much as I may enjoy getting onstage and performing, I greatly dislike putting my ideas on display. Scary. I much prefer whispering ideas to someone else, and letting them carry out a vision. Sunday we had a good day. We had a contemporary choir. We pushed on the music a little. We started using some new teams. Everything went off pretty smoothly (except when I briefly turned out all the lights by accident). But I was terrified and lost sleep the night before. I won't even describe all the things I imagined could go wrong. I'm a faithless wretch. It was never in my hands to begin with.

5) pray. That's a "give me," right? Seems so obvious. But it makes a true difference. I'm seeing changes left and right to the point that I am getting excited to start praying about things to see what God will do.

Hmmm...maybe I am starting to have a process after all. I'm still not really sure I know what I'm talking about. This is what I think I know right now. I'm sure it will be different in six more months. Our team has had a few wins. We have had some failures. But I'm having fun and growing in God. It just gets better and better.

Lord, I'm Listening

The very first year I went to camp as a counselor, I remember feeling excited and nervous and under qualified.  Going on a week long stay to the mountains of Oklahoma in the middle of July is enough to test anyone's faith!  It's hot!  And it's Oklahoma!

Anyway...I remember very clearly the first night there...our whole youth group stood in a circle along with all the counselors and our youth pastor lead us in a prayer...he asked each of us to repeat this phrase, and only this phrase, "Lord, I'm listening."  We went around the circle, each of use praying those three words.  I have prayed those words hundreds of times since then.  Always in times when I so desperately needed to hear from God...sometimes I pray them over and over, just asking God to give me something to hear.

Sometimes I hear Him clearly.  Sometimes I think He doesn't speak, only to realize later I missed it completely.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and lean forward, straining so hard to hear something.  Most often, I'm just too busy and making too much noise to hear anything.

Lately the world seems like chaos.  Lately everything seems out of control, and there seem to be so many things I don't understand.  Mostly, lately, I find myself feeling like I simply don't know what to do.  So I'm learning to be still.  I'm learning to listen again.

I have a friend who on more than one occasion has asked me to pray for this or that, because he seems to think I "hear from the Holy Spirit."  I know I do, and I know we all do, if we only listen.  There have been times where He has spoken so clearly to me, the only way I know how to explain it is to say He wrote it on my heart.  There have been times where it was almost an audible voice telling me what to do.  There have been times where I asked Him to speak through someone and He did.

So this year was hard.  Things got rough.  He didn't stop speaking, but I stopped listening.  There have been times this year where I remember thinking I couldn't remember the last time I heard from the Holy Spirit.  

I had a moment several months ago, where I woke up on a Tuesday morning, and stood praying in my bathroom...praying that God would tell me what to do and that He would speak through a particular friend.  There answer that my heart truly wanted from God wasn't likely to come through this friend, because I already knew his heart on the matter at hand, but I asked it in this way anyway.  I finished up that prayer, got the kids to school, and went on to work.  I wasn't even thinking about this prayer by the time I was getting into my morning routine...but two hours hadn't passed before my friend sat down and said something like, "so, I really feel like you need to know..."  And there it was.  I just sat staring at him.  And then tried to explain through tears that I had asked God to speak through him that very morning, and God had.  In a moment, just like that, I had a renewed sense of faith that I didn't even know I needed.

In case you're wondering, the answer God gave me wasn't the one I wanted.  I know that God knew my heart, and what I wanted to hear.  And I knew very clearly that He was speaking to me very directly.  Even though the answer brought me sadness at the time, there was no doubting it was the right answer, and there was so much peace in that.        

I went back as a camp counselor with the same group the following year, and we repeated the exercise.  I honestly can't remember what the phrase was the second year, but now, 12 years later, I'm still praying that same prayer..."Lord, I'm listening."

Laundry

For the past two weeks, Gav has done the laundry at our house.  There is something about it that he loves. (I have no idea what it is). He sorts it, puts it in the machine, waits on it to finish so he can move the load to the dryer, and begins again. I haven't given him any incentive to do this and I am thoroughly enjoying it.


When he sorts the laundry, there are always questions. Mostly about tan things going in with whites, and if something should go in light or dark if it has shades of both. Last weekend, we changed clothes before we went on our date night, and I had a pair of dark jeans that I dropped on the light pile (he had already washed the dark clothes). And here we go:


Him: "Those can't go with that load, right?"


Me: "Oh, it'll be fine."


Him:  "Why is it fine?"


Me: "Well..."


And then I explained how those jeans had been washed probably 30 times or more, and they weren't going to fade in the wash and ruin the load; that it would be ok this one time to throw them in with the lighter load and get them done.


As I was explaining this, I realized...I was asking him to use discernment in washing our clothes.  He's a rule follower.  He likes to know that things are always the same.  I got annoyed.  Laundry should be easy, right?  He shouldn't have to use discernment and make judgment calls about how to do laundry!


Life is all about discernment.  That's a hard thing to explain to an eight year old.  Then I get freaked out. What other teachable moments am I missing?  Are we praying enough?  Are we praying right?  Reading our Bible enough?  Is he watching me live it out in the best way possible?  Our last few months have been great ones.  As I've grown closer to the Lord, I think I've seen him grow closer too.  Wow, so no pressure there.


So I looked up this passage and showed it to him.


Deuteronomy 6:5-9
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.  Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.


This passage doesn't speak directly to how to be discerning, but if I can show him how to love God...take Him with us everywhere we go...talk about Him...then maybe...just maybe, he'll remember that when he has to make decisions.  

Round-robin

It's Thursday. That means staff meeting.

It's the last staff meeting before Thanksgiving. That means round-robin, everyone saying what they are thankful for.

A room full of spiritual people, who all love Jesus. Some great answers, honest and sincere.

Here is what I wanted to say:

I'm thankful for my Pastor. He is a wonderful mentor and friend. Hands down, the most long-suffering, patient, and kind man I have ever known.

I am thankful for my son. He's brilliant and innocent and compassionate and kind. I really believe he will do great things for the Kingdom.

I am thankful for our home. We have moved eight times in five years, and for the first time since we moved to Kaufman, our house is finally a home.

I am thankful for peace in my heart. It's been a long time for that one, too. To finally have peace in my life means it's not such a big deal when the copier breaks down, the postage machine needs a refill, we ran out of DVDs too soon, and the mail didn't go out so none of the Deacons got meeting reminders. All on the same day. Sometimes, life feels so filled with the noise of school and work, I am amazed that I lay down at night feeling peace, but there it is. No anxiety anymore. Just peace.

I am thankful to be able to see and hear art. Ok, this one is weird. Sometimes, music fills me up so much, I am surprised that I can't sit down at a piano and play, or sing like some of our amazing artists. But I hear it. And I see it. And I feel it draw me closer to God.

I am thankful for my friend Nikki. For the love that is so open and honest in that relationship.

I am thankful for my cousin AW. She has loved me forever, and always been so good to me.

I am thankful that this year is almost over. It has been a hard year on so many levels. 2011 is bringing obstacles, but 2010 has made me wiser, and I end this year much closer to God than when I started it.

Here is what I think I said:

"(Witty banter...joke...) um, I'm thankful for our home, and my friends in this room, and for Brent."

So, so lame.

I Don't Know The Answer

Two different people asked me last week what you say to a person who is living in darkness. Neither time I knew what to say. These two conversations involved three different people. I was in that darkness myself, just two or so months ago. And nothing my friends could say or did say made a difference, even when I knew what the truth was. By darkness, I mean knowing the truth but not being able to grasp it or apply it. I don't mean being lost or unsaved. In the context of these friendships all people are in a relationship with Christ.

So I've been thinking about this question a lot. Is there some specific thing anyone could have said to me that would have changed things? I don't think so. If there was, I am fairly certain that it was said to me at some point over the last year and a half. I have those kind of friends - who tell it to me straight up, in love, and in Jesus' name. But it never mattered. As I said, the above referenced people, myself included, all have a relationship with Christ. Throwing us into a pit and blinding us from the truth is one of the biggest tricks that Satan likes to play on us. As children of God, when we doubt His promises, His truth, His love, Satan gains a victory. As long as we are in a pit (see Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore) Satan controls our lives. I love the pit analogy that Beth uses in this book.

Anyway, the Holy Spirit really impressed on me Friday night to pray for one of these people. (As an aside, hearing from the Holy Spririt is something I really missed while being in that
pit!). So I prayed. And I felt better. I had been searching out the "right words" to say to these people based on my own experience, and wasn't coming up with anything. It isn't by my own power that I can say the right words to others and pull them up out of a pit. But when God says pray, and you pray, it's easy to see that's where the power is.

So instead of grabbing your friend by the shoulders and shaking them, it might be better if you prayed for them instead. You could always do both, but shaking someone who isn't listening is frustrating. And there is power in prayer.