So the plan right now is to move next week. For several months, I've looked for a house to live in, and nothing ever panned out. I'd find something I really liked, and something wouldn't be right - and I always asked for God to work it out perfectly - with no obstacles, so that I would clearly know that it was what He wanted me to do. I was disappointed a few times, because there were several houses that I really liked and could see Gavin and me in. I finally decided to stop looking. Now it seems like it's going to happen, and this time the house found me rather than the other way around. Ah, He's like that a lot - when I'm finally like, "Ok, fine, I'll give it a rest" He provides whatever it is. I'm learning to be patient while He works things out for me.
Moving. Yeah. Not fun. I counted it up, and the last four years I have moved a grand total of seven times. Yes, seven. It sucks. I hate moving. Who doesn't? And however sad or not, most of those moves were under some form of stress. I don't think I once moved with excitement or anticipation. So this move is a lot different. While I dread the idea of packing and unpacking, I get an adrenaline shot thinking about sitting in my house at night and reading or blogging...or even staring at the wall. It seems silly (a little) since most of the people who I know read this already have a house and a yard. I've had these things before, but it's been a long time. Who knows how long it will last - only God knows that - but in the mean time, I'm gonna soak it up.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
A staff conversation about peace
For me, there is no peace like the peace of Christmas. Throughout the year, it's easy to find little moments with God - be it in prayer, worship, at a concert or talking with a friend - moments where we realize God is there and He can calm any storm. But it's at Christmas when I can feel His peace the most. I find it at the Christmas Eve service, surrounded by friends, all holding up a candle - I find in my living room sitting in only the light from the Christmas tree - I find it riding in the car, listening to Christmas worship music. This overwhelming feeling of peace is my favorite thing about Christmas. Peace in the belief that God is watching over me, provisioning for me, and that He really does know my name, every tear I've cried, every laugh I've shared and every thought and dream I've ever had in my heart. I believe we can look to the way He came, to know how He wants us to feel at Christmas. He could have come as a king would come, but instead came quietly with no fanfare - peaceful, quiet and still.
I heard a verse today as I was listening to some audio (Beth, wink) and it was Colossians 2:5 - "...I'm a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I'm on your side, right beside you." While it's Paul writing this to the people of Colossae, it's like that with Christ, too. He's on our side. He's right beside us. Calming us, giving us peace. Not only does he do that for us, He wants us to KNOW he does it, and believe that He's there.
Another thing about peace that keeps coming to mind is peacemaking. Matthew 5:9 - "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." Peace is so much preferred in our lives over drama and conflict. I read a book several years back called Peacemaking for Families and it really left an impression on me. So much so that I have gone back to it multiple times to read what it says about the steps to a proper apology, and most helpful for me, how to really give forgiveness. I have seen people all my life destroy relationships because people don't want to or even know how to apologize. Then of course there is the other side of that, where people withhold their forgiveness. I decided a long time ago that I don't want to live a life of bondage in un-forgiveness and bitterness. So to that end, the Bible says when we strive to be peacemakers, we will be called His children!
Father, for my friends this Christmas, I ask for the gift of peace. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace so great and deep that we know it can only come from You. A peace that fills our hearts so full there there is no room left for loneliness, hurt, sadness or selfishness. A peace to see that Christmas is not about us at all. In the year ahead, help us to be peacemakers and peacekeepers. Let us have peace in our hearts, whatever path You take us down - peace to know that Your plans and Your purpose are enough for us.
I heard a verse today as I was listening to some audio (Beth, wink) and it was Colossians 2:5 - "...I'm a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I'm on your side, right beside you." While it's Paul writing this to the people of Colossae, it's like that with Christ, too. He's on our side. He's right beside us. Calming us, giving us peace. Not only does he do that for us, He wants us to KNOW he does it, and believe that He's there.
Another thing about peace that keeps coming to mind is peacemaking. Matthew 5:9 - "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." Peace is so much preferred in our lives over drama and conflict. I read a book several years back called Peacemaking for Families and it really left an impression on me. So much so that I have gone back to it multiple times to read what it says about the steps to a proper apology, and most helpful for me, how to really give forgiveness. I have seen people all my life destroy relationships because people don't want to or even know how to apologize. Then of course there is the other side of that, where people withhold their forgiveness. I decided a long time ago that I don't want to live a life of bondage in un-forgiveness and bitterness. So to that end, the Bible says when we strive to be peacemakers, we will be called His children!
Father, for my friends this Christmas, I ask for the gift of peace. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace so great and deep that we know it can only come from You. A peace that fills our hearts so full there there is no room left for loneliness, hurt, sadness or selfishness. A peace to see that Christmas is not about us at all. In the year ahead, help us to be peacemakers and peacekeepers. Let us have peace in our hearts, whatever path You take us down - peace to know that Your plans and Your purpose are enough for us.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Bucket List
I was driving yesterday in the car...and this list just kind of came to me. I don't know why...I wasn't thinking about dying or anything...maybe it was a song I heard on the radio?
Anyway...here's the list (and you know I love making lists)!
1. Visit Yellowstone. And Yosemite. And drive across southwest Texas in a Jeep and go to Big Bend.
2. Go to Belize. With a man. And if he could be my husband, well that'd just be gravy.
3. Help someone. Be able to help someone change their life for good so completely, that it be changed forever.
4. Graduate from college.
5. Teach high school. Maybe just for a year, but I've always thought it was something I'd do.
6. Day hike the Appalachian Trail. I don't want to spend the night out there, but a day hike would be fun!
7. I'd like to visit every state...by car whenever possible. I love road trips!
I can't help thinking this list should be more commanding. It's a little lame, at best.
Anyway...here's the list (and you know I love making lists)!
1. Visit Yellowstone. And Yosemite. And drive across southwest Texas in a Jeep and go to Big Bend.
2. Go to Belize. With a man. And if he could be my husband, well that'd just be gravy.
3. Help someone. Be able to help someone change their life for good so completely, that it be changed forever.
4. Graduate from college.
5. Teach high school. Maybe just for a year, but I've always thought it was something I'd do.
6. Day hike the Appalachian Trail. I don't want to spend the night out there, but a day hike would be fun!
7. I'd like to visit every state...by car whenever possible. I love road trips!
I can't help thinking this list should be more commanding. It's a little lame, at best.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Intimacy With Christ
This blog might not make sense to you...it's part of a staff conversation we had via email...
Pastor Brent mentioned having quiet time at the manger. Christmas is a great time of year for me to feel close to Christ - my struggle comes outside of December, just living life. I need to be still and listen to what He's saying day-to-day. I'm horrible at this. To be completely real, I find it nearly impossible to be still. I would much rather Him send me a burning bush than for me to have to sit still and get quiet and listen, when the noise of life is like standing on a street corner in Dallas at 8am (loud). My soul longs for peace and stillness with God, but my flesh scarcely allows me to have it. I drift away from Him and don't listen at all until I realize - I've had days without a connection to God and the emptiness I feel is because of this.
There are people in our lives that we know things about - and then there are people that we know intimately. I love these selective and intimate friendships, where you can predict what a person will say, how they will react to something, how they will feel about things - it is a wonderful feeling to be in a covenant relationship with someone and know great love and trust...and I realize that God knows me like this. He knows when I'm drifting away, and He knows how and when I'll come back to Him. He knows when I will celebrate Him, and when He will flow through me and touch the life of someone else. He pursues me and calls me back to Him unabated.
Thinking about how God always calls me back, I thought about Crazy Love. I raved to Steve about how great this book was, and he asked me what chapter I liked the best. I couldn't remember the chapter number or title (6 - When You're In Love) but I remembered that it was about running. If you were to look at my copy of the book it would be obvious by all the underlining that it's my favorite chapter. The crux of the whole thing is that you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to fall away. As long as I'm running toward Him, I'm safe. If I discipline myself to run toward Him (seek intimacy with Him) then I will be so close to Him. Chan is right - as long as I am pursuing Him, I am satisfied. When I stop pursuing Him, I gravitate toward other means of fulfillment. God gave us life that we may seek to know Him. And I don't think He just wants us to know ABOUT Him. He wants us to KNOW Him. I don't love Gavin because he loved me first - I just love him, plain and simple, from the beginning. I realize it's the same with God. He loved me first and my reciprocating love comes out of that.
Father I confess to you how much time and energy I waste running from You. I run in fear and pain and I try to solve my own situations, when being with You is the only thing that will give me what I need. You are far better than any solution or fix to life that I could dream up on my own. You know me. You chose me. You created me, and You are Enough for me. Search me and know my heart. Point out anything in me that offends You. Draw me to you - that I can know all of You.
Pastor Brent mentioned having quiet time at the manger. Christmas is a great time of year for me to feel close to Christ - my struggle comes outside of December, just living life. I need to be still and listen to what He's saying day-to-day. I'm horrible at this. To be completely real, I find it nearly impossible to be still. I would much rather Him send me a burning bush than for me to have to sit still and get quiet and listen, when the noise of life is like standing on a street corner in Dallas at 8am (loud). My soul longs for peace and stillness with God, but my flesh scarcely allows me to have it. I drift away from Him and don't listen at all until I realize - I've had days without a connection to God and the emptiness I feel is because of this.
There are people in our lives that we know things about - and then there are people that we know intimately. I love these selective and intimate friendships, where you can predict what a person will say, how they will react to something, how they will feel about things - it is a wonderful feeling to be in a covenant relationship with someone and know great love and trust...and I realize that God knows me like this. He knows when I'm drifting away, and He knows how and when I'll come back to Him. He knows when I will celebrate Him, and when He will flow through me and touch the life of someone else. He pursues me and calls me back to Him unabated.
Thinking about how God always calls me back, I thought about Crazy Love. I raved to Steve about how great this book was, and he asked me what chapter I liked the best. I couldn't remember the chapter number or title (6 - When You're In Love) but I remembered that it was about running. If you were to look at my copy of the book it would be obvious by all the underlining that it's my favorite chapter. The crux of the whole thing is that you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to fall away. As long as I'm running toward Him, I'm safe. If I discipline myself to run toward Him (seek intimacy with Him) then I will be so close to Him. Chan is right - as long as I am pursuing Him, I am satisfied. When I stop pursuing Him, I gravitate toward other means of fulfillment. God gave us life that we may seek to know Him. And I don't think He just wants us to know ABOUT Him. He wants us to KNOW Him. I don't love Gavin because he loved me first - I just love him, plain and simple, from the beginning. I realize it's the same with God. He loved me first and my reciprocating love comes out of that.
Father I confess to you how much time and energy I waste running from You. I run in fear and pain and I try to solve my own situations, when being with You is the only thing that will give me what I need. You are far better than any solution or fix to life that I could dream up on my own. You know me. You chose me. You created me, and You are Enough for me. Search me and know my heart. Point out anything in me that offends You. Draw me to you - that I can know all of You.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
It's Thanksgiving!!
Today is Thanksgiving Day. I love the holidays. Gavin has been so excited this year, asking when we're doing what, where are we going, what are we taking...and on and on. Then repeat. The older he gets, the more fun it is. I try to stop and see it through his eyes and remember what it felt like, instead of worrying about what I'm forgetting and what needs to be done. I almost feel like I'm succeeding today! It's an accomplishment for me, because normally I overwhelm myself with things "to-do."
This year, we decided to spend the night on Thanksgiving Eve at my cousin's house, and we had a great time. We didn't do anything special, just talked, watched tv, cooked, ate. The typical holiday stuff. It feels good to not be rushing and worrying - there is no agenda and nothing that needs to be done until at least Sunday. Awesome.
So I'm thinking about being thankful. I'm thankful for a lot of things, and I was reticent to list any of it on Facebook like so many do (and if you do this, I'm not judging you - seriously) - I have my reasons. Anyway, I thought I'd compile a short list of the things I'm thankful for:
1. The little dog chewing on my sock right now. It really makes me happy when I see how happy he makes Gavin.
2. School. My first semester back is almost over - only two more weeks. I'm glad it's drawing to an end, but I feel so blessed to be going to school, and I'm really enjoying it.
3. My family. They do a lot for me and I love them. I don't know many people who are randomly close to a first cousin like I am, especially when we have such a large family out there - but this works for us, and I am blessed by it every single day. (Love you).
4. My church family. I am blessed with a wonderful church/job. Fabulous people who live loving Jesus every day. People who think of me and my son, love us and care for us. People so easy to love in return.
5. My friends. There are a few from my church/work family that I'll know forever - no matter where we go. You're special to me! And a few friends I have that have been my friends for years.
6. My son. The love of my life.
Right now, I'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting on the W's to get back from the Turkey Trot. There's a turkey cooking. The dressing is ready to go in the oven. Potatoes still need to be peeled. Eggs boiling in a pot on the stove. It's Thanksgiving, and I feel thankful.
This year, we decided to spend the night on Thanksgiving Eve at my cousin's house, and we had a great time. We didn't do anything special, just talked, watched tv, cooked, ate. The typical holiday stuff. It feels good to not be rushing and worrying - there is no agenda and nothing that needs to be done until at least Sunday. Awesome.
So I'm thinking about being thankful. I'm thankful for a lot of things, and I was reticent to list any of it on Facebook like so many do (and if you do this, I'm not judging you - seriously) - I have my reasons. Anyway, I thought I'd compile a short list of the things I'm thankful for:
1. The little dog chewing on my sock right now. It really makes me happy when I see how happy he makes Gavin.
2. School. My first semester back is almost over - only two more weeks. I'm glad it's drawing to an end, but I feel so blessed to be going to school, and I'm really enjoying it.
3. My family. They do a lot for me and I love them. I don't know many people who are randomly close to a first cousin like I am, especially when we have such a large family out there - but this works for us, and I am blessed by it every single day. (Love you).
4. My church family. I am blessed with a wonderful church/job. Fabulous people who live loving Jesus every day. People who think of me and my son, love us and care for us. People so easy to love in return.
5. My friends. There are a few from my church/work family that I'll know forever - no matter where we go. You're special to me! And a few friends I have that have been my friends for years.
6. My son. The love of my life.
Right now, I'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting on the W's to get back from the Turkey Trot. There's a turkey cooking. The dressing is ready to go in the oven. Potatoes still need to be peeled. Eggs boiling in a pot on the stove. It's Thanksgiving, and I feel thankful.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I'm A Groupie. Maybe?
Someone called me a "groupie" this week. Twice, actually. It didn't bother me, but I've been thinking about it. It was in reference to me and some of my friends propensity to attend concerts and speaking engagements by Christian artists. Who is coming? When are they going to be here? How much does it cost? Where are they going to be? And so on. When we hear of these events, we share them with each other. We get excited about it, we talk about it before hand...and then we discuss it at length once it's over. We compare speakers, musicians, our favorite things, what we hated...sometimes we argue. Mostly we just have a good time.
But that's not what I really want to talk about. What I'm really thinking about is this "groupie" thing. When I think of a "groupie," I imagine a sixteen year old, following around a rockstar or band, hoping to meet them or at least get an autograph. So when this person referred to me as a "groupie" (okay, I'm gonna stop putting it in quotation marks now) it didn't really seem like the right term. I don't follow a specific speaker or band, and I definitely don't try to meet whoever it is I'm going to see (ok, I did meet David Crowder, but that was by total accident, and I made a fool of myself with non-stop talking).
So who is it I'm following?
Who is it I want to see?
I guess it's Jesus. I never thought about it before. But I look forward to the music because I want to sing about Jesus and worship God. I want to hear the speakers because I want insight into things I don't know about the Bible, and I want the encouragement to live more like Jesus did.
I read Matthew 4:19-20 this morning: "Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” And they left their nets at once and followed him."
At once. Really? At once.
Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a groupie. When Jesus called His disciples, in this case, Peter and Andrew, they were ready and they went right away. That seems scary to me. I'm proud to be a Jesus Groupie, but I live this comfy life where I can work Jesus in mostly as I see fit. In my heart, I say, "God, I'll do whatever you ask me to." But it's the "at once" that I get stuck on.
There was a Friends episode once, where they "made plans to make plans." This is really funny to me, because I do that all the time. So I guess it the case of being a Jesus Groupie, I'm at least willing to be willing. Will that work for now?
But that's not what I really want to talk about. What I'm really thinking about is this "groupie" thing. When I think of a "groupie," I imagine a sixteen year old, following around a rockstar or band, hoping to meet them or at least get an autograph. So when this person referred to me as a "groupie" (okay, I'm gonna stop putting it in quotation marks now) it didn't really seem like the right term. I don't follow a specific speaker or band, and I definitely don't try to meet whoever it is I'm going to see (ok, I did meet David Crowder, but that was by total accident, and I made a fool of myself with non-stop talking).
So who is it I'm following?
Who is it I want to see?
I guess it's Jesus. I never thought about it before. But I look forward to the music because I want to sing about Jesus and worship God. I want to hear the speakers because I want insight into things I don't know about the Bible, and I want the encouragement to live more like Jesus did.
I read Matthew 4:19-20 this morning: "Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” And they left their nets at once and followed him."
At once. Really? At once.
Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a groupie. When Jesus called His disciples, in this case, Peter and Andrew, they were ready and they went right away. That seems scary to me. I'm proud to be a Jesus Groupie, but I live this comfy life where I can work Jesus in mostly as I see fit. In my heart, I say, "God, I'll do whatever you ask me to." But it's the "at once" that I get stuck on.
There was a Friends episode once, where they "made plans to make plans." This is really funny to me, because I do that all the time. So I guess it the case of being a Jesus Groupie, I'm at least willing to be willing. Will that work for now?
Monday, November 2, 2009
BFF Forever
I realize that adding the "forever" after BFF is redundant, but I want to emphasize the "forever forever" part.
I have a great friend coming into town this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. I've been thinking about her, how long we've been friends, and the path life has taken for us...I love her. She's my forever friend. The kind of friend you can not see or talk to for ages, and then you pick up right where you left off. All this led me to thoughts about friendship in general. Who you trust. Who you don't. Who the "users" are. There are those who need you to be their friend, but you don't really want to let them be yours.
I admit, I'm not one for titles and labels. In my adult life, I have only ever referred to one person as my BFF. If I feel particularly affectionate toward someone, I might refer to them as my "great friend" or "my best girlfriend" or something of that nature. But there is a lot to be said for the BFF. Can you have more than one? Is the title really necessary? I'll let you ponder these things, while I move on to my top ten list.
The top 10 things it takes to be a BFF (or at least mine, anyway)
10. A good sense of humor. I like to OLOL, and odds are, if you're my BFF, I'm gonna make fun of you. Return the favor whenever possible, and I'll know you love me too.
9. Honesty. A good friend will always tell you the truth in love. "I love you in Jesus' name, but you're being really selfish right now."
8. A little bit of class. See number 9. It always helps when you're "telling the truth in love" to say it nicely. No one likes a meany.
7. Integrity. This requires having a strong constitution that you live your life by. This one is my most favorite of them all. It means you don't lie or cheat. No funny business. No question marks over your head. If I look at you and there is a question mark hanging over your head about something, sorry. You're can't be on the BFF list anymore.
6. Faithfulness. You don't change. You have to be stedfast. I have to know that what I see is what I get, and there aren't any surprises. I don't like surprises. Keep my secrets.
5. Loyalty. You have to have my back, even when I'm wrong and stupid. You can tell me how wrong and stupid I am all day long (see number 9 again) but you have to stand by me.
4. Forgiveness. I make mistakes. But I know how to offer a good apology, and I'm gonna need some grace sometimes. (See number 8).
3. Selflessness. Being my BFF means sometimes, you'll have to put yourself aside and do what I want - or give me what I need.
2. Kindness. As previously mentioned, there will be mistakes made and forgiveness needed but you don't get to be mean just because you're having a bad day or you don't feel good. That's lame. I love you the way you are - but don't be a selfish meany.
1. Love. I Cor. 13:13 Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. If I ever get a tattoo, that's what it will say - faith, hope and love...those are the things that last. To paraphrase Francis Chan, when you love someone, you'll do anything for them and you look forward to being with them.
I realize my top 10 list is comprised of mostly buzz words...but I like to look at it. These are the things I look for in a BFF, but also all the things I have to offer.
I have a great friend coming into town this weekend that I haven't seen in a long time. I've been thinking about her, how long we've been friends, and the path life has taken for us...I love her. She's my forever friend. The kind of friend you can not see or talk to for ages, and then you pick up right where you left off. All this led me to thoughts about friendship in general. Who you trust. Who you don't. Who the "users" are. There are those who need you to be their friend, but you don't really want to let them be yours.
I admit, I'm not one for titles and labels. In my adult life, I have only ever referred to one person as my BFF. If I feel particularly affectionate toward someone, I might refer to them as my "great friend" or "my best girlfriend" or something of that nature. But there is a lot to be said for the BFF. Can you have more than one? Is the title really necessary? I'll let you ponder these things, while I move on to my top ten list.
The top 10 things it takes to be a BFF (or at least mine, anyway)
10. A good sense of humor. I like to OLOL, and odds are, if you're my BFF, I'm gonna make fun of you. Return the favor whenever possible, and I'll know you love me too.
9. Honesty. A good friend will always tell you the truth in love. "I love you in Jesus' name, but you're being really selfish right now."
8. A little bit of class. See number 9. It always helps when you're "telling the truth in love" to say it nicely. No one likes a meany.
7. Integrity. This requires having a strong constitution that you live your life by. This one is my most favorite of them all. It means you don't lie or cheat. No funny business. No question marks over your head. If I look at you and there is a question mark hanging over your head about something, sorry. You're can't be on the BFF list anymore.
6. Faithfulness. You don't change. You have to be stedfast. I have to know that what I see is what I get, and there aren't any surprises. I don't like surprises. Keep my secrets.
5. Loyalty. You have to have my back, even when I'm wrong and stupid. You can tell me how wrong and stupid I am all day long (see number 9 again) but you have to stand by me.
4. Forgiveness. I make mistakes. But I know how to offer a good apology, and I'm gonna need some grace sometimes. (See number 8).
3. Selflessness. Being my BFF means sometimes, you'll have to put yourself aside and do what I want - or give me what I need.
2. Kindness. As previously mentioned, there will be mistakes made and forgiveness needed but you don't get to be mean just because you're having a bad day or you don't feel good. That's lame. I love you the way you are - but don't be a selfish meany.
1. Love. I Cor. 13:13 Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. If I ever get a tattoo, that's what it will say - faith, hope and love...those are the things that last. To paraphrase Francis Chan, when you love someone, you'll do anything for them and you look forward to being with them.
I realize my top 10 list is comprised of mostly buzz words...but I like to look at it. These are the things I look for in a BFF, but also all the things I have to offer.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
How The Biggest Loser Made Me Feel Small
So a lady from Kaufman is on this season of The Biggest Loser. I didn’t catch the first episode last week, but I do from time to time watch the show, and knowing that there was a person from Kaufman on it prompted me to tune in. Evidently she has an amazing story - I was intrigued.
I’ll start by saying that I do Jillian Michaels‘ Thirty Day Shred at least three times a week. I have never been a person who works out, but at 31 years of age, I finally decided I needed to work at being healthy. Sometime at the end of July, when Gav and I got back from vacation, I got serious about exercising. I was working out five days a week until school started. Now I’m down to three, but still feeling really good about it. I have never been “over weight” but I do struggle with bad eating habits, and I gain weight really easily. Growing up, I watched my mom gain and lose weight over and over...and being built like her, I never wanted to struggle the way I saw her struggle. I also want to set a good example for Gav that he grow up eating healthy foods and making exercise a part of his life.
Jillian Michaels is down right mean. She screams, she yells, she pushes...but her stuff works! So many people I know personally can testify to her Thirty Day Shred. I’m one of them. Watching The Biggest Loser the other night, I didn’t see her do much yelling and cursing, but I did have an intimate look into those peoples lives. I admit it. I sat on my couch and cried for them. I felt so small and selfish, all the times I have thought of myself and the pound or two that I wanted to lose. I have never struggled the way those people were struggling.
For some reason, the world takes satisfaction in seeing people fail. We have seen how people go on the show and lose weight, only to gain it back when the show is over. We see their pictures on the internet. Their failure, their humiliation, displayed for everyone to see. Watching that show reminded me - I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one in need. The lady from Kaufman? Evidently, she lost her family in an accident. And to see her smile and be an encouragement to others was an inspiration to me. So I prayed over them. I prayed those people would be healed from their disease, whatever it is that makes them over weight. That they would have power over it and not let it control them. There was so much passion and so much emotion and hurt in them. I could relate to them, even though I have never been in their shoes. Everyone has hurts and struggles. I have had moments in my own life, where I have wondered, “when am I gonna get my turn at happiness?” Will I watch this show every week? Probably not. Will I pray over them every week? I probably won’t do that either. But maybe somewhere, there’s somebody who’s praying for people like me...and their prayers will make me stronger, the way I hope mine helped the people on that show.
I’ll start by saying that I do Jillian Michaels‘ Thirty Day Shred at least three times a week. I have never been a person who works out, but at 31 years of age, I finally decided I needed to work at being healthy. Sometime at the end of July, when Gav and I got back from vacation, I got serious about exercising. I was working out five days a week until school started. Now I’m down to three, but still feeling really good about it. I have never been “over weight” but I do struggle with bad eating habits, and I gain weight really easily. Growing up, I watched my mom gain and lose weight over and over...and being built like her, I never wanted to struggle the way I saw her struggle. I also want to set a good example for Gav that he grow up eating healthy foods and making exercise a part of his life.
Jillian Michaels is down right mean. She screams, she yells, she pushes...but her stuff works! So many people I know personally can testify to her Thirty Day Shred. I’m one of them. Watching The Biggest Loser the other night, I didn’t see her do much yelling and cursing, but I did have an intimate look into those peoples lives. I admit it. I sat on my couch and cried for them. I felt so small and selfish, all the times I have thought of myself and the pound or two that I wanted to lose. I have never struggled the way those people were struggling.
For some reason, the world takes satisfaction in seeing people fail. We have seen how people go on the show and lose weight, only to gain it back when the show is over. We see their pictures on the internet. Their failure, their humiliation, displayed for everyone to see. Watching that show reminded me - I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one in need. The lady from Kaufman? Evidently, she lost her family in an accident. And to see her smile and be an encouragement to others was an inspiration to me. So I prayed over them. I prayed those people would be healed from their disease, whatever it is that makes them over weight. That they would have power over it and not let it control them. There was so much passion and so much emotion and hurt in them. I could relate to them, even though I have never been in their shoes. Everyone has hurts and struggles. I have had moments in my own life, where I have wondered, “when am I gonna get my turn at happiness?” Will I watch this show every week? Probably not. Will I pray over them every week? I probably won’t do that either. But maybe somewhere, there’s somebody who’s praying for people like me...and their prayers will make me stronger, the way I hope mine helped the people on that show.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
On A Good Day
Here I go again! I don't know if I'm blogging so much because I have a computer at home now, or if I'm just trying to stimulate my mind...finding myself back in school after being out for six years is a little hard. I'm surrounded by smart people...people with letters after their names, and I never understand what they're talking about, so I'm trying to finish up my bachelors degree.
I think I might be a control freak. The past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of spiritual searching. Asking the Lord a lot of questions. Today I had what I like to refer to as a "moment". Some people might call it a "melt down". Lots of fears, crouching in on me at one time, and I threw up the white flag.
I won't go into listing all my fears, but they are there...some are silly, some deeply rooted in the past...some of them are just normal fears. Today I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend this summer. Just in casual conversation she and I had over a period of several days, she noted that she picked up some queues from me that I have a lot of fears. That I often use phrases like, "I'm afraid that..." or "my fear is" and "I'm scared of..." I was a little surprised by her candid observation of my inner self, and so I had to think if over a while. And...well...she was right. Now, this is particularly embarrassing for me, because I'm a Bible believin' girl, and I'll be the FIRST one to tell you, God has not given us a spirit of fear! That worry is a sin, that we have to TRUST GOD...
So my friend's really great words came back to me today. On a GOOD day, I can control myself. I can't control situations or other people. But I can try really hard to control my thoughts, my attitude and my tongue. It's when I start to worry about that things that I can't control that fear creeps in. It seems so simple when you dumb it down...why worry or be afraid of something that is out of my control? So what am I claiming...or reclaiming? Myself I think. That I will have a good day in Jesus' name and I will control myself.
I think I might be a control freak. The past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of spiritual searching. Asking the Lord a lot of questions. Today I had what I like to refer to as a "moment". Some people might call it a "melt down". Lots of fears, crouching in on me at one time, and I threw up the white flag.
I won't go into listing all my fears, but they are there...some are silly, some deeply rooted in the past...some of them are just normal fears. Today I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend this summer. Just in casual conversation she and I had over a period of several days, she noted that she picked up some queues from me that I have a lot of fears. That I often use phrases like, "I'm afraid that..." or "my fear is" and "I'm scared of..." I was a little surprised by her candid observation of my inner self, and so I had to think if over a while. And...well...she was right. Now, this is particularly embarrassing for me, because I'm a Bible believin' girl, and I'll be the FIRST one to tell you, God has not given us a spirit of fear! That worry is a sin, that we have to TRUST GOD...
So my friend's really great words came back to me today. On a GOOD day, I can control myself. I can't control situations or other people. But I can try really hard to control my thoughts, my attitude and my tongue. It's when I start to worry about that things that I can't control that fear creeps in. It seems so simple when you dumb it down...why worry or be afraid of something that is out of my control? So what am I claiming...or reclaiming? Myself I think. That I will have a good day in Jesus' name and I will control myself.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Jeff Johnson Experience
DNOW - this past weekend. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was a color mom, and thought I was going to have G$, and that I'd have to do a lot of shuffling him around to get the job done. I thought about backing out, which I never do. (Ok, I did drop that history class with 14 reading assignments but I don't back out when I've given someone my word). G$'s dad called out of the blue and asked to have him over the weekend, and there it was. God's hand, sweeping down and saying, "I'm taking care of this. You can't quit. And you won't have G$ (does God refer to him as G$? Not sure...) so you won't have any mom guilt."
Ok, God. Thanks. What about the other reasons I don't want to do this? It's going to be hot. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm spiritually weak right now. Satan is in my head telling me to exclude myself. But He had taken care of the main thing (G$), and I gave my word to my friends that I would do it, so I did. And of course, like He always does, God shows up and meets me right where I am.
The Holy Spirit really spoke to me through the music. Music is my thing. I love to sing, buy music, share it, listen to it over and over...just wear it out. Not having G$, I decided to go to worship and hear this Jeff Johnson guy and his band. I heard a lot of great things about him from Super Summer and was really looking forward to it.
I met Jeff Johnson. He sings well, he plays well. And he was really nice. Can he walk on water? Probably not. He was a normal guy, humbly anointed by God to lead worship. There was a moment on the first night when one of the kids yelled out, "I love you Jeff Johnson!" And I saw the look on his face...he smiled, but there was angst there too. The kids loving him is not what it's about. It's about getting to a place where it's not about the spot you're standing in, or the people you're standing with, or who is on the stage...but where are you with God? I had a moment of internal dialogue where I thought of a witticism I read somewhere, something like, "If you’re not close to God anymore, guess who moved?" Ok, I did. I don’t know when, probably little by little. Somehow, the main thing hasn’t been the main thing in a long time.
Our guest speaker, Richard Ross, spoke on Sunday morning about praying to a little Jesus what we can take in and out of our pocket when we need Him and then put Him back. After meeting with Him in worship Saturday night, I knew without a doubt - I don't want a little Jesus. I want Big, Almighty, Powerful, Overwhelming God. I realized that being truly happy, truly satisfied, is believing and living that He is Enough.
So I did my color mom thing, connected with some teenagers I didn't know that well and realized how awesome our youth are. They love Jesus. And they listen. And they have good hearts. And they blessed me by letting me be with them. My team didn't win. Another way God put me in my place. I wanted to win for me, for bragging rights. But He said no. God used the weekend to remind me that he is sovereign, that He has the power to fill me up, and that when I submit to Him, He shows up and reveals Himself.
Ok, God. Thanks. What about the other reasons I don't want to do this? It's going to be hot. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm spiritually weak right now. Satan is in my head telling me to exclude myself. But He had taken care of the main thing (G$), and I gave my word to my friends that I would do it, so I did. And of course, like He always does, God shows up and meets me right where I am.
The Holy Spirit really spoke to me through the music. Music is my thing. I love to sing, buy music, share it, listen to it over and over...just wear it out. Not having G$, I decided to go to worship and hear this Jeff Johnson guy and his band. I heard a lot of great things about him from Super Summer and was really looking forward to it.
I met Jeff Johnson. He sings well, he plays well. And he was really nice. Can he walk on water? Probably not. He was a normal guy, humbly anointed by God to lead worship. There was a moment on the first night when one of the kids yelled out, "I love you Jeff Johnson!" And I saw the look on his face...he smiled, but there was angst there too. The kids loving him is not what it's about. It's about getting to a place where it's not about the spot you're standing in, or the people you're standing with, or who is on the stage...but where are you with God? I had a moment of internal dialogue where I thought of a witticism I read somewhere, something like, "If you’re not close to God anymore, guess who moved?" Ok, I did. I don’t know when, probably little by little. Somehow, the main thing hasn’t been the main thing in a long time.
Our guest speaker, Richard Ross, spoke on Sunday morning about praying to a little Jesus what we can take in and out of our pocket when we need Him and then put Him back. After meeting with Him in worship Saturday night, I knew without a doubt - I don't want a little Jesus. I want Big, Almighty, Powerful, Overwhelming God. I realized that being truly happy, truly satisfied, is believing and living that He is Enough.
So I did my color mom thing, connected with some teenagers I didn't know that well and realized how awesome our youth are. They love Jesus. And they listen. And they have good hearts. And they blessed me by letting me be with them. My team didn't win. Another way God put me in my place. I wanted to win for me, for bragging rights. But He said no. God used the weekend to remind me that he is sovereign, that He has the power to fill me up, and that when I submit to Him, He shows up and reveals Himself.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Where I Am Today
I posted some personal goals a few months back, and need to affirm where I am with them.
Here they are again:
1. Enroll in fall classes DONE
2. Get new computer for school DONE
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten (soon!)
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first) (after #3!)
5. Invite my lost friend to church. (Haven't done this one yet)
6. Paint the upstairs of my apartment. DONE
7. Spend more qt with G$. DONE
8. Walk the dog. Ok, So I don't have the dog anymore...
I've been nervously excited about going back to school. Yesterday was the first afternoon of class. I walked onto campus - no wait - first of all...I swung by the Apple store to return a bag, then I went to the bookstore and bought books, then I went to the student center and got my i.d. and parking pass and THEN I made it to campus. The campus seems to have doubled in size since the last class I took in 2003. I was lost. I paid $125 for a parking sticker, drove around for 20 minutes, and finally parked on a meter and paid another $3 so I wouldn't be late to class. In my mind, it's not going great, but I'm trying to play it cool. I get out of my car and start walking...now this is the first time I've taken a regular day class at SMU. All of my classes have been in the evening, and so most of the students have been working class and not the regular student body. The campus is flooded with students. All beautiful people. Seriously. All beautiful. And I never felt so plain vanilla. With crows feet.
I get to class, and the professor and I are the only ones over the age of 21. This is where the tables turned. I'm the oldest student in the class, but I also realize they are all babies. They know nothing. The professor is talking about atonement, resurrection, exclusivism and they know nothing of what he speaks. Wow. I accepted Christ at the age of 7 and I have never known what it feels like to live in total darkness like this. I was amazed at what they didn't know about God. How do you win and entire class over in Jesus' name? I'm not sure yet...
I'm sure tonight will be another adventure. History. With 14 required readings. Seriously.
Here they are again:
1. Enroll in fall classes DONE
2. Get new computer for school DONE
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten (soon!)
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first) (after #3!)
5. Invite my lost friend to church. (Haven't done this one yet)
6. Paint the upstairs of my apartment. DONE
7. Spend more qt with G$. DONE
8. Walk the dog. Ok, So I don't have the dog anymore...
I've been nervously excited about going back to school. Yesterday was the first afternoon of class. I walked onto campus - no wait - first of all...I swung by the Apple store to return a bag, then I went to the bookstore and bought books, then I went to the student center and got my i.d. and parking pass and THEN I made it to campus. The campus seems to have doubled in size since the last class I took in 2003. I was lost. I paid $125 for a parking sticker, drove around for 20 minutes, and finally parked on a meter and paid another $3 so I wouldn't be late to class. In my mind, it's not going great, but I'm trying to play it cool. I get out of my car and start walking...now this is the first time I've taken a regular day class at SMU. All of my classes have been in the evening, and so most of the students have been working class and not the regular student body. The campus is flooded with students. All beautiful people. Seriously. All beautiful. And I never felt so plain vanilla. With crows feet.
I get to class, and the professor and I are the only ones over the age of 21. This is where the tables turned. I'm the oldest student in the class, but I also realize they are all babies. They know nothing. The professor is talking about atonement, resurrection, exclusivism and they know nothing of what he speaks. Wow. I accepted Christ at the age of 7 and I have never known what it feels like to live in total darkness like this. I was amazed at what they didn't know about God. How do you win and entire class over in Jesus' name? I'm not sure yet...
I'm sure tonight will be another adventure. History. With 14 required readings. Seriously.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Lists I Like To Make
I like to make lists. It's my obsessive/compulsive side. I make lists for grocery shopping, to do lists, reading lists, lists of lists. All kinds of lists. Long lists, short lists, color coded lists.
I was listening to our Pastor of Senior Adults preach on Sunday night (he was talking about the poor in spirit) and something he said got me thinking about myself and when I am at my best. So, being the list maker that I am I decided to put down a few thoughts.
I'm a much better person when I'm:
Laughing - I love to laugh. I learned to laugh when I was ten, watching AW and Viv. I didn't always get the jokes, but I knew that when they shared in laughter there was joy in it and I wanted to be a part of it.
Listening - God has given me a lot of life experiences to share, but sometimes I need to be quite and listen.
Praying - I don't do this enough.
Seeking - I forget sometimes that I don't know everything.
Making people laugh - I love to laugh. I think I said that. There is a special thrill in making someone laugh with you.
Being honest - sometimes you can be dishonest even when you don't say anything.
Encouraging someone - maybe with those life experiences of mine.
I'm a better person when I'm not:
Grumpy
Impatient
Jealous
Bitter
Angry
Selfish
Maybe I ended up making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. But somehow I feel better saying them - that maybe somehow by putting them down here, I'll be able to be a better person.
I was listening to our Pastor of Senior Adults preach on Sunday night (he was talking about the poor in spirit) and something he said got me thinking about myself and when I am at my best. So, being the list maker that I am I decided to put down a few thoughts.
I'm a much better person when I'm:
Laughing - I love to laugh. I learned to laugh when I was ten, watching AW and Viv. I didn't always get the jokes, but I knew that when they shared in laughter there was joy in it and I wanted to be a part of it.
Listening - God has given me a lot of life experiences to share, but sometimes I need to be quite and listen.
Praying - I don't do this enough.
Seeking - I forget sometimes that I don't know everything.
Making people laugh - I love to laugh. I think I said that. There is a special thrill in making someone laugh with you.
Being honest - sometimes you can be dishonest even when you don't say anything.
Encouraging someone - maybe with those life experiences of mine.
I'm a better person when I'm not:
Grumpy
Impatient
Jealous
Bitter
Angry
Selfish
Maybe I ended up making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. But somehow I feel better saying them - that maybe somehow by putting them down here, I'll be able to be a better person.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Summer Resolutions
I would like to start by saying - it's midnight. The free wi-fi I normally get at home is no where to be found. However, I am on the 3G network. Is this a dream? Unable to sleep I was thinking back to the beginning of the year. How am I doing on my goals for 2009? I refuse to call them "resolutions" for whatever reason. Anyway, the goals were simple and are jotted down on a piece of paper in my Bible, I think. Something like: eat healthy, focus on spiritual growth, debt/finances, be a better everything (mom, friend, cousin). So not exactly measurable goals. I'm not up in the middle of the night though to write about those goals or my progress so it doesn't matter. It's been a good year so far and I'll leave it at that.
On with the summer goals, which is really the point. More of a "to do" list, maybe?
1. Enroll in fall classes (done, yay!)
2. Get new computer for school
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first)
5. Invite my lost friend to church.
6. Paint the upstairs o my apartment.
7. Spend more qt with G$.
8. Walk the dog.
Ok, these seem doable. Come, Sandman, so tomorrow will get here and I can get moving on these things.
On with the summer goals, which is really the point. More of a "to do" list, maybe?
1. Enroll in fall classes (done, yay!)
2. Get new computer for school
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first)
5. Invite my lost friend to church.
6. Paint the upstairs o my apartment.
7. Spend more qt with G$.
8. Walk the dog.
Ok, these seem doable. Come, Sandman, so tomorrow will get here and I can get moving on these things.
Friday, May 1, 2009
The Things I Over Do
Okay, I admit it. I over do it on a few things.
On staff at the church, we talk sometimes about how we don't have to do everything, but the things that we are doing, we need to do really well. It's a good philosophy when you think about it. This way, we aren't doing everything with mediocre results.
In my personal life, it's a different story. I tend to over do it.
I over spend. I think I know how much I have to spend, and then I usually spend a little bit more than that. And I have usually overestimated what I had to spend to begin with. I love to shop!
I over laugh. What makes most people laugh makes me over laugh. Louder and longer than everyone else. And if most people find it hysterical, then I usually can't breathe or I've fallen on the floor I'm laughing so hard. I miss scenes in movies because I am laughing at something and don't hear what comes next. This one I can't control, and I don't even try to curb it anymore. I just love to laugh!
I over pack. Yep, I'm an over packer. If I'm going somewhere I like to take several outfits for each day. There's the weather to consider, and I'm also known for dropping things on the front of my shirt when I eat, so there's that factor too. You might want to dress different for the evening that during the day which of course means different shoes as well. And there has to be a bag just for hair and make-up items. I have found it's far better to over pack than under pack. (Although I have been known to use underpacking as a way to go over-shopping while over-laughing all the way).
I over communicate. Sometimes it's because I say things that should be left unsaid (engage filter) and sometimes it's because I repeat myself (if I do that it must be your fault and I think you're not listening).
I am an over-lover. Last week in staff meeting as we were dicussing our new sermon series on relationships, I thought for a while about friendships and relationships in my own life. I tend to try and be everyone's best friend but don't ever let anyone be mine. I don't trust women for the most part, and avoid getting close to people outside my circle of trust. Once I let someone in though, I tend to be very selfish. Maybe protective is a better word, but the phrase "mine, mine, mine" comes to mind. I heard a three year old say that once, and it seems very articulate for how I feel about the people I choose to let in. So I guess I'm an over-lover when it gets right down to it, which I guess is better than the alternative.
On staff at the church, we talk sometimes about how we don't have to do everything, but the things that we are doing, we need to do really well. It's a good philosophy when you think about it. This way, we aren't doing everything with mediocre results.
In my personal life, it's a different story. I tend to over do it.
I over spend. I think I know how much I have to spend, and then I usually spend a little bit more than that. And I have usually overestimated what I had to spend to begin with. I love to shop!
I over laugh. What makes most people laugh makes me over laugh. Louder and longer than everyone else. And if most people find it hysterical, then I usually can't breathe or I've fallen on the floor I'm laughing so hard. I miss scenes in movies because I am laughing at something and don't hear what comes next. This one I can't control, and I don't even try to curb it anymore. I just love to laugh!
I over pack. Yep, I'm an over packer. If I'm going somewhere I like to take several outfits for each day. There's the weather to consider, and I'm also known for dropping things on the front of my shirt when I eat, so there's that factor too. You might want to dress different for the evening that during the day which of course means different shoes as well. And there has to be a bag just for hair and make-up items. I have found it's far better to over pack than under pack. (Although I have been known to use underpacking as a way to go over-shopping while over-laughing all the way).
I over communicate. Sometimes it's because I say things that should be left unsaid (engage filter) and sometimes it's because I repeat myself (if I do that it must be your fault and I think you're not listening).
I am an over-lover. Last week in staff meeting as we were dicussing our new sermon series on relationships, I thought for a while about friendships and relationships in my own life. I tend to try and be everyone's best friend but don't ever let anyone be mine. I don't trust women for the most part, and avoid getting close to people outside my circle of trust. Once I let someone in though, I tend to be very selfish. Maybe protective is a better word, but the phrase "mine, mine, mine" comes to mind. I heard a three year old say that once, and it seems very articulate for how I feel about the people I choose to let in. So I guess I'm an over-lover when it gets right down to it, which I guess is better than the alternative.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
God Is Bigger Than The Boogey-man
So...I wrote this blog back at Easter. Just now getting around to posting...
What an amazing Easter. God really showed up in an amazing way today. Not that he doesn't always, but today we really had a buzz. So much so that I wasn't ready to leave even after five hours, two services and Sunday School. I had a moment where I just wanted to thank God for being so amazing and faithful and for allowing me to be a part of such an incredible team. As I was thanking Him for all His blessings, I realized some significance about today. Four years ago to the day, my life was changed - both completely and forever. During that time, and as painful as it was, I never felt alone. God was always there with me, His Holy Spirit comforting me. In the days that followed, I often felt panic, fear, anger, resentment...but I was never without Hope.
Now, four years later, that terrible day fell on Easter Sunday and I realized as I sat in church, "Hey, it's not about me." No huge revelation there, but something so much bigger than my pain happened today over 2,000 years ago. My God is bigger than death, than Hell and the grave. He is bigger than my past and my pain. The power that brought Jesus back to life from the dead is the same power that God used to reframe my life and my future. God took my brokenness and put me back together.
My life didn't end four years ago. Here I am, four years later, living in a borrowed garage apartment with my almost-seven year old. God has been faithful. I look around and know I never thought I would be here, but today, on this day, there is no where else I'd rather be.
What an amazing Easter. God really showed up in an amazing way today. Not that he doesn't always, but today we really had a buzz. So much so that I wasn't ready to leave even after five hours, two services and Sunday School. I had a moment where I just wanted to thank God for being so amazing and faithful and for allowing me to be a part of such an incredible team. As I was thanking Him for all His blessings, I realized some significance about today. Four years ago to the day, my life was changed - both completely and forever. During that time, and as painful as it was, I never felt alone. God was always there with me, His Holy Spirit comforting me. In the days that followed, I often felt panic, fear, anger, resentment...but I was never without Hope.
Now, four years later, that terrible day fell on Easter Sunday and I realized as I sat in church, "Hey, it's not about me." No huge revelation there, but something so much bigger than my pain happened today over 2,000 years ago. My God is bigger than death, than Hell and the grave. He is bigger than my past and my pain. The power that brought Jesus back to life from the dead is the same power that God used to reframe my life and my future. God took my brokenness and put me back together.
My life didn't end four years ago. Here I am, four years later, living in a borrowed garage apartment with my almost-seven year old. God has been faithful. I look around and know I never thought I would be here, but today, on this day, there is no where else I'd rather be.
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