How The Biggest Loser Made Me Feel Small

So a lady from Kaufman is on this season of The Biggest Loser. I didn’t catch the first episode last week, but I do from time to time watch the show, and knowing that there was a person from Kaufman on it prompted me to tune in. Evidently she has an amazing story - I was intrigued.

I’ll start by saying that I do Jillian Michaels‘ Thirty Day Shred at least three times a week. I have never been a person who works out, but at 31 years of age, I finally decided I needed to work at being healthy. Sometime at the end of July, when Gav and I got back from vacation, I got serious about exercising. I was working out five days a week until school started. Now I’m down to three, but still feeling really good about it. I have never been “over weight” but I do struggle with bad eating habits, and I gain weight really easily. Growing up, I watched my mom gain and lose weight over and over...and being built like her, I never wanted to struggle the way I saw her struggle. I also want to set a good example for Gav that he grow up eating healthy foods and making exercise a part of his life.

Jillian Michaels is down right mean. She screams, she yells, she pushes...but her stuff works! So many people I know personally can testify to her Thirty Day Shred. I’m one of them. Watching The Biggest Loser the other night, I didn’t see her do much yelling and cursing, but I did have an intimate look into those peoples lives. I admit it. I sat on my couch and cried for them. I felt so small and selfish, all the times I have thought of myself and the pound or two that I wanted to lose. I have never struggled the way those people were struggling.

For some reason, the world takes satisfaction in seeing people fail. We have seen how people go on the show and lose weight, only to gain it back when the show is over. We see their pictures on the internet. Their failure, their humiliation, displayed for everyone to see. Watching that show reminded me - I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one in need. The lady from Kaufman? Evidently, she lost her family in an accident. And to see her smile and be an encouragement to others was an inspiration to me. So I prayed over them. I prayed those people would be healed from their disease, whatever it is that makes them over weight. That they would have power over it and not let it control them. There was so much passion and so much emotion and hurt in them. I could relate to them, even though I have never been in their shoes. Everyone has hurts and struggles. I have had moments in my own life, where I have wondered, “when am I gonna get my turn at happiness?” Will I watch this show every week? Probably not. Will I pray over them every week? I probably won’t do that either. But maybe somewhere, there’s somebody who’s praying for people like me...and their prayers will make me stronger, the way I hope mine helped the people on that show.

On A Good Day

Here I go again! I don't know if I'm blogging so much because I have a computer at home now, or if I'm just trying to stimulate my mind...finding myself back in school after being out for six years is a little hard. I'm surrounded by smart people...people with letters after their names, and I never understand what they're talking about, so I'm trying to finish up my bachelors degree.

I think I might be a control freak. The past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of spiritual searching. Asking the Lord a lot of questions. Today I had what I like to refer to as a "moment". Some people might call it a "melt down". Lots of fears, crouching in on me at one time, and I threw up the white flag.

I won't go into listing all my fears, but they are there...some are silly, some deeply rooted in the past...some of them are just normal fears. Today I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend this summer. Just in casual conversation she and I had over a period of several days, she noted that she picked up some queues from me that I have a lot of fears. That I often use phrases like, "I'm afraid that..." or "my fear is" and "I'm scared of..." I was a little surprised by her candid observation of my inner self, and so I had to think if over a while. And...well...she was right. Now, this is particularly embarrassing for me, because I'm a Bible believin' girl, and I'll be the FIRST one to tell you, God has not given us a spirit of fear! That worry is a sin, that we have to TRUST GOD...

So my friend's really great words came back to me today. On a GOOD day, I can control myself. I can't control situations or other people. But I can try really hard to control my thoughts, my attitude and my tongue. It's when I start to worry about that things that I can't control that fear creeps in. It seems so simple when you dumb it down...why worry or be afraid of something that is out of my control? So what am I claiming...or reclaiming? Myself I think. That I will have a good day in Jesus' name and I will control myself.

The Jeff Johnson Experience

DNOW - this past weekend. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was a color mom, and thought I was going to have G$, and that I'd have to do a lot of shuffling him around to get the job done. I thought about backing out, which I never do. (Ok, I did drop that history class with 14 reading assignments but I don't back out when I've given someone my word). G$'s dad called out of the blue and asked to have him over the weekend, and there it was. God's hand, sweeping down and saying, "I'm taking care of this. You can't quit. And you won't have G$ (does God refer to him as G$? Not sure...) so you won't have any mom guilt."

Ok, God. Thanks. What about the other reasons I don't want to do this? It's going to be hot. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm spiritually weak right now. Satan is in my head telling me to exclude myself. But He had taken care of the main thing (G$), and I gave my word to my friends that I would do it, so I did. And of course, like He always does, God shows up and meets me right where I am.

The Holy Spirit really spoke to me through the music. Music is my thing. I love to sing, buy music, share it, listen to it over and over...just wear it out. Not having G$, I decided to go to worship and hear this Jeff Johnson guy and his band. I heard a lot of great things about him from Super Summer and was really looking forward to it.

I met Jeff Johnson. He sings well, he plays well. And he was really nice. Can he walk on water? Probably not. He was a normal guy, humbly anointed by God to lead worship. There was a moment on the first night when one of the kids yelled out, "I love you Jeff Johnson!" And I saw the look on his face...he smiled, but there was angst there too. The kids loving him is not what it's about. It's about getting to a place where it's not about the spot you're standing in, or the people you're standing with, or who is on the stage...but where are you with God? I had a moment of internal dialogue where I thought of a witticism I read somewhere, something like, "If you’re not close to God anymore, guess who moved?" Ok, I did. I don’t know when, probably little by little. Somehow, the main thing hasn’t been the main thing in a long time.

Our guest speaker, Richard Ross, spoke on Sunday morning about praying to a little Jesus what we can take in and out of our pocket when we need Him and then put Him back. After meeting with Him in worship Saturday night, I knew without a doubt - I don't want a little Jesus. I want Big, Almighty, Powerful, Overwhelming God. I realized that being truly happy, truly satisfied, is believing and living that He is Enough.

So I did my color mom thing, connected with some teenagers I didn't know that well and realized how awesome our youth are. They love Jesus. And they listen. And they have good hearts. And they blessed me by letting me be with them. My team didn't win. Another way God put me in my place. I wanted to win for me, for bragging rights. But He said no. God used the weekend to remind me that he is sovereign, that He has the power to fill me up, and that when I submit to Him, He shows up and reveals Himself.

Where I Am Today

I posted some personal goals a few months back, and need to affirm where I am with them.

Here they are again:

1. Enroll in fall classes DONE
2. Get new computer for school DONE
3. Finish G$'s scrapbook from kindergarten (soon!)
4. Begin online scrapbooking (see "to do" #2 first) (after #3!)
5. Invite my lost friend to church. (Haven't done this one yet)
6. Paint the upstairs of my apartment. DONE
7. Spend more qt with G$. DONE
8. Walk the dog. Ok, So I don't have the dog anymore...

I've been nervously excited about going back to school. Yesterday was the first afternoon of class. I walked onto campus - no wait - first of all...I swung by the Apple store to return a bag, then I went to the bookstore and bought books, then I went to the student center and got my i.d. and parking pass and THEN I made it to campus. The campus seems to have doubled in size since the last class I took in 2003. I was lost. I paid $125 for a parking sticker, drove around for 20 minutes, and finally parked on a meter and paid another $3 so I wouldn't be late to class. In my mind, it's not going great, but I'm trying to play it cool. I get out of my car and start walking...now this is the first time I've taken a regular day class at SMU. All of my classes have been in the evening, and so most of the students have been working class and not the regular student body. The campus is flooded with students. All beautiful people. Seriously. All beautiful. And I never felt so plain vanilla. With crows feet.

I get to class, and the professor and I are the only ones over the age of 21. This is where the tables turned. I'm the oldest student in the class, but I also realize they are all babies. They know nothing. The professor is talking about atonement, resurrection, exclusivism and they know nothing of what he speaks. Wow. I accepted Christ at the age of 7 and I have never known what it feels like to live in total darkness like this. I was amazed at what they didn't know about God. How do you win and entire class over in Jesus' name? I'm not sure yet...

I'm sure tonight will be another adventure. History. With 14 required readings. Seriously.