...to all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning. Isaiah 61:3

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Lie

There is a lie I tell myself. It is the same lie and I tell it over and over. And I've told myself this lie for years. I like to paint. Except I don't.

Seriously. Does anyone like to paint? Professional painters are miserable, right? Every time I decide I need to paint a room, the same thing happens. I'm in hog heaven picking out colors and planning and matching and decorating. But then it comes time to get out the painters tape and that old feeling creeps in. How I'm gonna get paint in my hair, ruin a set of clothes, not have a paper towel when I need one, and probably run out of paint before its done.

These are the mistakes I usually make:

Not buying Behr paint. Its really the best and yesterday for my paint project, I went to Ace. *Regret.

Not getting everything I need together before I start. I need a paper towel. I need some music. I need a drink. I need the toolbox.

I get put out with it before I'm done and start trying to apply coats on top of not-dry coats.

Not taping everything off because I think, "Oh, that doesn't look that hard."

Recently, when staying in a house belonging to some friends, I told them I would finish up some painting for them. I even said, "Oh, I don't mind! I love to paint!" Then I had an out-of-body experience where I looked at myself and said incredulously, "No you don't!". I'm ridiculous.

I thought about this the whole time I was painting Gavin's bathroom. And finally when I was done, I realized why I do it. When it was all complete, everything was put back and finished up, I stopped and stood in the doorway of the bathroom about ten times admiring how much better it was. From crimson red to a very pale yellow. Much better. It was all about the end result.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Behind Every Fantasy

I have a lot of books to read the next three weeks before school starts again. I should finish The Heart of the Artist tomorrow and move on to one of five more books I'm going to try and get through. I read this tonight:

Behind Every Fantasy

Fooled again. What I thought was paradise
Turned out to be nothing more than lies
I've learned my lesson, now I read between the lines
'Cause the truth is sometimes hard to find

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

Peace of mind for tomorrow and today
All depends on the choices that we make
All that glitters is not always gold
And what's hidden eventually gets told

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

- Rory Noland

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Movies

We have watched a lot of Christmas movies this season. Elf, Fred Clause, Snow Buddies, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Polar Express...those are the ones we watched together. And of course I watched It's a Wonderful Life. And we have seen scores of Christmas specials from our friends on Disney and Nickelodeon. Well, tonight I got it in my head that I wanted to watch The Passion of the Christ.

That didn't go over too well at first. Gav was quick to point out that, "we've already seen that movie!" To which I responded with a dead stare. Seriously, how many times have we seen the episode of iCarly where Spencer starts pranking people and can't stop? Or the one where the gang gets locked in a crazy girls basement? Or the one where they go out in the woods looking for Bigfoot? We have seen those a lot. A lot lot. That doesn't even include repeat episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place, Big Time Rush or Hannah Montana. So I just gave him the look.

And then he said, "I thought we were going to watch a Christmas movie?"

Me: Who is The Passion about?

Him: Jesus

Me: Who is Christmas about?

Him: Jesus. (This he said with resignation, because he realized I had won.)

Me: Great, let's watch it.

I know I get accused of "throwing blood on the manger," but the cradle and the cross just go together if you ask me. I'm happy to throw swaddling clothes on the cross at Easter if that makes anyone feel better.

I love watching The Passion with Gavin. Love it. He asks so many questions. How long did it take? Why is she crying? Why are they doing that? We look stuff up. We compare texts. We talk about how we might have felt if we had been there.

This time was different from when we watched it at Easter, because he exclaimed at things. He really responded to what he saw. And it was awesome to see how much he remembered from the last time. I had explained to him about death by crucifixion, and he told me all about it. He remembered other things too, and asked me about them.

So we discussed tonight how Christ came for a reason. He was born that we may have life. Not just born for you or Gav, or the right, or the strong, or the good, or the smart...but for all of us sinners who don't deserve what he did.

Beauty for Ashes

The blog needed a name.  It's just had my name on it since I created it.  I have thought for a long time about it, and really hoped for something witty, catchy or creative.  God gave me a verse instead.

Does this every happen to you, where a verse will pop into your head, and you can't really remember the whole context of it or where it is?  And then later, you think of it again...and still don't remember all the details, until finally you think of it one more time, and look it up?  That's what happened to me.  I finally looked up beauty for ashes.  The heading over this chapter in my Bible says, "Good News for the Oppressed."

Let me be clear.  I am not oppressed.  I do not feel sorry for myself.  Maybe the last few years have been hard, but like I've said in the past, even when I don't feel like I'm choosing God, I believe He is always choosing me.

I do subscribe to Beth Moore's analogy of the pit.  I have been thrown into one, but I've also slid in and jumped in as well.  And there is no where I've gone or anything I've done that God hasn't lifted me out of it.  I have celebrated her book, Get Out of that Pit and I also celebrated Elevation Church's album Kingdom Come.  I've loved those this year, as they have reminded me of God's promises.

Last Thursday night at Chris Tomlin's Christmas concert, Louie Giglio reminded me one more time about how good God is.  He made a statement about how there were people in the room who were dreading this Christmas.  That for some, it would be the first Christmas without a loved one.  For some, it would be Christmas without a job.  For others, the first Christmas with cancer.  For others still, the first Christmas alone since a divorce.  But God became flesh and dwelt among us - and that no matter where we are, there is no place that His arm can't reach us.

Anyway, what a lot of rambling.  All that to say, part of what God does is heal the brokenhearted.  He gives us beauty for ashes.  Joy instead of sadness.  And I'll let that be my story and testify to how He always does that for me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What I've Learned

The last six months of my job have been amazing.  It has been difficult...at times very difficult.  I like to plan out my days (ok, my week) in advance, and it seldom (ever?) happens that they go the way I've planned.  I used to joke up about how inflexible I am, and would try to keep my cool when changes came.  Over these past months, I can honestly say I've gotten better at this - learning to juggle and move things around without getting bent out of shape.  I never know when there will be a funeral, a sudden hospital visit, a mobile meeting...God has stretched me in SO many ways this year.  I have learned to wake up every morning and just pray that I can be a ministry to someone and that the fruits of the spirit will be strong in me.  I take it a day at a time.

I've learned more technical stuff than I knew my brain could hold.  How to run a sound board (mostly), many new software programs and apps, and more things about computers and projectors and cameras and microphones than I even knew was possible.  I've learned that most of the technical/electronical things have at least three names.  It's been like learning a new language.  I've heard the english language is the most difficult to learn because we have so many different ways of saying the same thing.  That's what this has been like.  And I've learned that while I previously didn't know what I didn't know, at least now I know mostly what I don't know.  Ha.

I've learned what it's like to be a woman in what is usually a man's role.  It's been entertaining watching the men around me adjust and we have all learned how to communicate and work together.  I have been so blessed in that everyone has been so Christ-like.  While I have struggled with feeling "good enough," I have constantly been encouraged by everyone on the team, from the volunteers to the paid staff.  While I do threaten to cry if they yell at me, I've never had to resort to such a tactic.

I've learned that no matter how independent I am, I can't do my job without the team.  A large part of the team was already in place by the time I came along, and they are fabulous.  They give of their time when they are tired and have no time to give.  They encourage me, tell me to calm down, and maybe best of all, they laugh with me.  There is so much laughter on our team.  Occasionally, we even have to cry together when friends get bad news and we don't understand it.  Slowly, I've been working on building other aspects of our team beyond the people we need every week, and that has been fun too.  It seems almost every day I get to ask someone to do something, and I love watching new people get involved.

I've learned to express every idea, even when I'm scared they might be lame.  I have one friend who I run everything by, just for encouragement, because they ALWAYS tell me good things about my ideas. I have another friend who loves to talk about ideas and can always put a spin on things.  I have a leader who always pushes for bigger and better and tells me we can always do whatever it is that I think we can't.

I've learned how to balance the different aspects of my job.

I've learned that I love it more than I ever knew I would.

I've learned to hold my plans loosely.  Both personally, and at work.  "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord.  "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8-9

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Shopping 2010

Our day of Christmas shopping, eating out and playing at the park got off to a slow start.  We slept in because Gavin was sick last night.  He had to come home early yesterday.  He was coughing and running fever.  Breathing treatments every four hours seem to be helping, and he got a lot of rest.

We left the house today around 1pm and he chose Applebee's for lunch.  Afterwards, he said, "I wish I hadn't chosen Applebee's."  Me too.

In the Applebee's parking lot, I dropped my phone on the ground and shattered the back of it.  Shattered.  As in, a glass shard was sticking out of my thumb.  That kind of shattered.  We went straight to the Apple store on Knox.  It.  Was.  Insane.  I had never seen it so packed.  All that being said, we got in and out in about 45 minutes, and it really wasn't a horrible experience.  The salesmen all seemed to appreciate my quick wit and charm.

From there, we hit up NP.  That's short for North Park, which I LOVE.  Picked up some Sperry Topsiders for G, swung by the Lego store, Gap and Bath & Body Works...and Gavin asked if this is the place with the dessert I love.  I was confused...yes, I love most desserts, but I didn't remember NP having anything special for me...and then he described it..."It's round, and it's like cake and it has a big glob of icing in the middle."  Ahh, yes.  The Banana Baby Bundt cake from Corner Bakery.  You had me at hello.  So we picked up one of those as well.  After NP, we went to Elizabeth Arden and picked up a few more gifts and headed home.

We finished off the evening with a movie.  I wanted Beauty & the Beast, he wanted Shrek.  He might be a "momma's boy", but he's still a guy.  We agreed to flip back and forth, but he had the remote, so you can guess how that went.  Then we made Muddy Buddies and wrapped gifts.

It was a great day, and I have been thinking it over...normally, I hate crowds.  I rank large crowds right up there with hating sin and the devil.  The crowds stress me out because I don't feel safe.  Too many strangers.  And while I don't hate traffic, I definitely don't like looking for a parking space for twenty minutes.  People were edgy.  They were either moving very slowly or very quickly as they walked through the mall.  It seemed as if everyone was impatient and hungry and had to go to the bathroom.  But Gavin and I had a great time.  We were in no hurry, had no agenda and felt like we were doing what we wanted.  It seemed that no sales person or stranger looked me in the eye until I said hello and asked them how they were.  I hope we made a difference in someone's day.  We were so chipper, it felt like we were spreading Christmas cheer.  I love spending my day off with him.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I Need Two Open Windows!

I've stopped saying my name when I answer the phone at the office. I just say, "First Baptist Church!" People ALWAYS think I'm Kay Miller, and launch into questions and giving information, and I have no idea what they're talking about. It usually ends with me saying, "Oh, you must be looking for Kay Miller! Please hold..." But there is always confusion.

Last Tuesday was no different, except for the fact that Kay Miller was out when I answered the phone for my daily dose of mistaken identity. Here's the scene: imagine it is your grandma on the phone. She can't hear you. She's talking really loudly. You have no clue what she's talking about. There is mass confusion.

Me: First Baptist Church!

Your Grandma: Kay! I need two open windows!

Me: (Knowing I am not the Kay she thinks I am). Um. Ok. What is that? (with a smile in my voice, just like Kay Mil would have).

Your Grandma: I need two open windows!

Me: (Trying to think fast, because it is SO like Kay Miller to go to someone's house and open their windows for them. I would do it, but it was 50 degrees outside, and aren't Grandmas usually cold? Confused...). Ok, I guess I don't know what that is.

Your Grandma: Open windows!

Me: Ok, I'll tell Kay you called.

Your Grandma: Ok, honey. Tell her to leave them at the welcome center!

Thank goodness there was someone in the office to explain to me that open windows are actually Open Windows. Quarterly devotion books. I laughed myself silly on that one.

The next day, a very familiar face came by and asked for an Open Window. I told him the story and we had a good laugh. But then I sat down thinking, I didn't even know what that was a day ago. Why am I getting all the Open Windows people? I'm trying to listen to the Holy Spirit. So now, I'm reading Open Windows. But hey, they're short. And large print. Awesome!

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Things I Worshiped in 2010

I was talking back and forth today with a friend who shared some sin he has had in his life. I shared some of mine. A verse popped into my head, and here we are.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21. (That's King James to show you how serious I am).

I was telling my friend how something had gotten out of control in my life and had become idol worship. It really made me look back over the year and think about what else I was worshiping/serving this year besides God. Here's a list (you're not surprised):

-A relationship. You're still not surprised. I'll be brief. This is the biggest one. I even realized it, at one point saying, "you have become an idol in my life." I broke God's heart. What a horrible feeling.
-Trust. I idolized trust, wanting someone who would never lie or let me down. But we are all human, and we all do that stuff. Jesus is the only one who won't let me down.
-My job. I don't like putting this one. I love my job. It is multi-faceted and I love all its parts. But sometimes I let it consume me and I only blame myself. I can easily let it become my identity.
-My "to do" list. This is different from work, because it includes all kinds of stuff. Go here, get this, do that, see this. On and on.
-Lots of other material things. My Explorer. I've said I miss it about 1,000 times. Clothes. I've shopped a lot. New stuff for the house. Decorations, etc.

The things I have to be careful not to worship:

-My home. I just love it. Happy in a home for the first time in five years. But it's just a building. It's material.
-My education. I have focused on it so much this year. I want desperately to have my degree and I pushed too hard this year, with less than four weeks off since January.
-Other things I can't think of right now.

So back to the Bible verse. When that popped into my head, I immediately knew that is my verse for 2011. I want to live it out. I want to show God that He is my treasure and He has my heart.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving, We Hardly Knew Ye

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  James 5:15.  James is my favorite book in the Bible, and I love this verse.  I come to you today confessing sin, and asking you to pray for me.

Here it is:  I am ready for Christmas as soon as we put up the Halloween costumes.  I know, I'm hideous!  I'm covering my face right now.  I don't want to "rush Christmas" and I don't want to "forget to be thankful," but really, I'm ready to celebrate the birth of Jesus!  I'm ready to play Christmas music (ok, I did that anyway, and drove everyone in the office crazy), put out decorations and drink waisal.  

I am all about being thankful, and I don't want to go against George Washington or my pastor, but what's wrong with being thankful all year long?  (I know no one is implying we shouldn't be thankful all year long, I'm just being dramatic).  I stop short of putting Thanksgiving in the same bucket as Valentine's Day, but this year, I was really left with the impression that I need to learn how to show gratitude to God and others 364 other days out of the year.  (That is to say, we should be thankful all year long, just like we should show others we love them all year long.  Not just on one day out of the year.)

This Thanksgiving season, we had an amazing series called Thankful: The Life-changing Power of Gratitude.  It was really great, and we spent a lot of time as a church and staff evaluating all we have to be thankful for.  I spent a lot of time in prayer thanking God for all the wonderful things He has done for me.  But secretly, I was harboring thoughts of Christmas the whole time.  And what's worse, while I'm confessing, we haven't even put baby Jesus in the manger yet, and I'm covertly thinking about Easter.  I can't help it!

There are plenty of people who voice their opinions about Christmas decor and music before Thanksgiving.  They scoff at CVS, and speak of Wal-Mart with contempt.  I will stand with shoulders back and fist raised - and I will represent those who walk the isles of these stores hiding a smile and secretly humming "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas."  I say, "bring it on!"  In the meantime, I'll continue to be "thankful" for my job and that I can begin listening to Christmas music as early as August if I want to, under the guise of "planning worship".

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Porn is Bad

I just finished writing a research paper on "an issue plaguing the Christian church."  I have never.  Ever.  Written more than was required on a paper.  I love to write, but mostly I like to write about what I want to write about.  Not something someone else is making me write about.  So I tend to do a half-hearted job, write my papers and move on.  Except for this paper. I had every intention of being non-commital, writing a B paper and enjoying my holiday weekend.  I asked my pastor what I should write about, we discussed it and he gave me several resources to help me along.


This is where I stop and say, "porn is bad, people."  Seriously.  I mean it.  We knew that, right?  We don't look at porn, we are disgusted by it and it's shameful.  But reading the main resource that Pastor Brent gave me left me feeling helpless.  Helpless to ever find a man at my age who won't have a problem with it.  Helpless to protect my son from it.  Helpless to help others who have a problem with this addiction.  The main resource I used was The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations by The Witherspoon Institute.


Here are a few statistics I included in my paper from that text:
Americans rent 800 million pornography videos and DVDs every year, 11,000 porn films are shot each year, (compared to 400 produced by Hollywood each year), four billion dollars a year is spent on video porn, and one in four internet users looks at porn on a website in a given month.  Also, men look at pornography more than anything else they view on the internet, 80% of viewers of pornography on the internet are men, and 66% of men ages 18-34 visit a porn site every month.
Oh.  My.  Life.  Forget everything else I said in the 10 pages of my paper.  Isn't that enough?  It's staggering.

My paper was three pages longer that it needed to be.  I didn't say everything I wanted to say or that needed to be said.  I'm still disturbed.  It's still on my mind.  I've been writing for two days, have things to deal with for worship services tomorrow, and still had to stop and write this blog.  I'm worried.  This is bad.


My own personal experience of seeing porn of the first time came at the age of seven or eight.  I lived on a farm.  In the evenings, my family would take a walk down the country road that we lived on, and my sister and I were allowed to play under the bridges on this road as we walked along.  The picture is that of a small town.  A country life.  A quiet summer evening.  And discovering a magazine under this bridge that someone had thrown out as they drove by.  I can still see these images in my mind and was unprepared for them that summer night.


My cousin's daughter was exposed to it on the playground at school in fifth grade.


I've seen families torn apart by one's addiction to it.


I think the thing that concerns me the most is protecting my son from this.  Once he sees it, it is likely those images will be forever engrained in his brain.  We have to teach our kids to live holy lives.  I pour into him that what we do with our bodies matters - I just pray he's hearing me and that he remembers.  Incidentally, he just came in and said, "look at my booger."  Normally that would annoy me.  But not tonight.    

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

New Release Tuesday

So most new music comes out on Tuesday...and I try to keep track of what's on the horizon.  It's been a year of really great music.  I decided to compile a list of my top ten favorites.

12.  Chris Tomlin - And If Our God Is for Us - The first track of Our God, with the orchestra...wow.  I'm loving I Lift My Hands & No Chains On Me.  This one has a lot of promise to move up on the list...it just came out last week.

11.  Passion: Awakening - Great one.  How can you miss with Crowder, Christy Nockles, Fee & Tomlin?  Faves: Healing is in Your Hands, Like a Lion.

10.  New Life Worship - I am Free - this actually came out at the end of '09.  I think I gave it to myself for Christmas.  It was my go-to for over half the year.  Faves are: My Savior Lives, I am Free, Your Name, Fairest.

9.  Jim Brickman - Never Alone - Never lose with Brickman.  I first fell in love with him during my stint at the DSO.  I love Never Alone, it has vocals from Lady A...my fave on the album is Gathering.  A new Brickman Christmas album came out last week.  I haven't checked it out yet, but it's an anniversary collection.

8.  Mercy Me - The Generous Mr. Lovewell - Forgot how much I enjoyed MM, until I saw them at American Airlines.  Lots of energy and great lyrics.  The concert was right before the album came out, so I pre-ordered it.  Wore it out for a good month, and Gav still asks to hear Move.

7.  Israel Houghton - Love God.  Love People. - Not one I can listen to every day, it's for a certain mood.  But I knew when I heard it, I had to have it.  Fav: You Hold My World.

6.  Lady Antebellum - Need You Now - Love their vocals.  Fun CD.  Fav song: Something 'Bout a Woman.

5.  Sugarland - The Incredible Machine - Not my favorite of all their albums, but this one makes the list because I saw them in concert for the first time this year.  Best concert in the history of the known world, ever.  I've been to a lot of concerts...this one was by far my most favorite.  From the album: Incredible Machine, Stuck Like Glue, & Find the Beat Again.

4.  Derek Webb - Feedback - This one is super cool.  I play it in the background a lot.  I love to play my music up loud in the office while I putter around, but I have NEVER been able to read OR write anything serious with music or tv playing at the same time.  This album changed that.  I love to play it softly while I'm reading/writing.  It's crazy good.  "An Instrumental Electronic Album Based on the Lord's Prayer."

3.  North Point Christmas - This record is so amazing.  I lovelovelove the way they take traditional Xmas songs and put a new spin on them.  The music and harmony and lyrics are just beautiful.  Faves: Do You Hear?, All Creation Sing, He Has Come for Us, Everything Changed, O Come All Ye Faithful - Buy this...you won't regret it; sing along and when they hit the bridge, you'll lift your hands.  It's amazing.

2.  Taylor Swift - Speak Now - I don't know how she does it.  She writes her own music, and it has all the insight and depth of someone who's lived a lifetime.  I've lived (living) most of the songs on the album.  My favorite song is different on different days.  Today's current faves are Sparks Fly &  Back to December.  Gav's fav is Mean.

1.  Elevation Worship - Kingdom Come - This is my new go-to album.  The new old-trusty.  The new...the new...I love it.  My personal favorites are: Awaken, Kingdom Come, Give Me Faith, Mercy Reigns.  But I really love the whole thing, over and over.  Again and again.  Everyone who loves Jesus and has ever been broken needs this record.

No one cares, but there it is!  I do realize it's twelve and not ten.  Once I got to ten, I decided to do two more and stop.  Probably could've gone to twenty.

Christmas albums on the radar:
Sugarland: Gold & Green (from last year)
Bifrost Arts: Salvation is Created (crazy good, beautifully artistic)
Jim Brickman: A Christmas Celebration
Faith Hill: Joy to the World ('08)
Brooklyn Tab: A Brooklyn Tabernacle Christmas

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Creative Process

I don't know anything about the "creative process." I read about it. I try to learn how others get creative and the methods they use. Some use music. Some go on retreats. Others seem to have creativity oozing out of them. Me? I don't have a process. I wish I could put on some cool tunes, light a candle and let the ideas just start flowing out of me, but it just doesn't work that way.

More often than not, I just need to try to go to bed at night, and then the ideas start coming. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night and have to write things down. Sometimes a broad idea, sometimes just a phrase, sometimes I just lay there and think for hours at a time.

A few things I have learned along the road I'm on:
1) write it down right away. I'm terribly lazy and I always think I'll remember it later, and don't have to stop what I'm doing immediately, but the thoughts never come back the same.

2) see what others are doing. I was completely against this six months ago. I wanted my ideas to be my own and not someone else's. I was concerned that I would see or hear about something someone else did, and then it wouldn't be an "original" idea. I wanted all my creativity to come from my own inspiration. Call me Narcissus. Wait, no, don't call me that.

3) have someone to talk to. I love talking about music, sermons, theology, drama, etc. It can be hard when I think I have a fun or exciting idea and there is no one around to share it with. There are two different people I like to bounce ideas off of. The one I go to first mostly tells me all my ideas are great, and gets me pumped up and excited about them. Then I go to the second person who is able to see flaws in my ideas and knows how to draw out other ideas and develop them.

4) don't be scared/take risks. Easier said than done. I have never been a risk taker. As much as I may enjoy getting onstage and performing, I greatly dislike putting my ideas on display. Scary. I much prefer whispering ideas to someone else, and letting them carry out a vision. Sunday we had a good day. We had a contemporary choir. We pushed on the music a little. We started using some new teams. Everything went off pretty smoothly (except when I briefly turned out all the lights by accident). But I was terrified and lost sleep the night before. I won't even describe all the things I imagined could go wrong. I'm a faithless wretch. It was never in my hands to begin with.

5) pray. That's a "give me," right? Seems so obvious. But it makes a true difference. I'm seeing changes left and right to the point that I am getting excited to start praying about things to see what God will do.

Hmmm...maybe I am starting to have a process after all. I'm still not really sure I know what I'm talking about. This is what I think I know right now. I'm sure it will be different in six more months. Our team has had a few wins. We have had some failures. But I'm having fun and growing in God. It just gets better and better.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Lord, I'm Listening

The very first year I went to camp as a counselor, I remember feeling excited and nervous and under qualified.  Going on a week long stay to the mountains of Oklahoma in the middle of July is enough to test anyone's faith!  It's hot!  And it's Oklahoma!

Anyway...I remember very clearly the first night there...our whole youth group stood in a circle along with all the counselors and our youth pastor lead us in a prayer...he asked each of us to repeat this phrase, and only this phrase, "Lord, I'm listening."  We went around the circle, each of use praying those three words.  I have prayed those words hundreds of times since then.  Always in times when I so desperately needed to hear from God...sometimes I pray them over and over, just asking God to give me something to hear.

Sometimes I hear Him clearly.  Sometimes I think He doesn't speak, only to realize later I missed it completely.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and lean forward, straining so hard to hear something.  Most often, I'm just too busy and making too much noise to hear anything.

Lately the world seems like chaos.  Lately everything seems out of control, and there seem to be so many things I don't understand.  Mostly, lately, I find myself feeling like I simply don't know what to do.  So I'm learning to be still.  I'm learning to listen again.

I have a friend who on more than one occasion has asked me to pray for this or that, because he seems to think I "hear from the Holy Spirit."  I know I do, and I know we all do, if we only listen.  There have been times where He has spoken so clearly to me, the only way I know how to explain it is to say He wrote it on my heart.  There have been times where it was almost an audible voice telling me what to do.  There have been times where I asked Him to speak through someone and He did.

So this year was hard.  Things got rough.  He didn't stop speaking, but I stopped listening.  There have been times this year where I remember thinking I couldn't remember the last time I heard from the Holy Spirit.  

I had a moment several months ago, where I woke up on a Tuesday morning, and stood praying in my bathroom...praying that God would tell me what to do and that He would speak through a particular friend.  There answer that my heart truly wanted from God wasn't likely to come through this friend, because I already knew his heart on the matter at hand, but I asked it in this way anyway.  I finished up that prayer, got the kids to school, and went on to work.  I wasn't even thinking about this prayer by the time I was getting into my morning routine...but two hours hadn't passed before my friend sat down and said something like, "so, I really feel like you need to know..."  And there it was.  I just sat staring at him.  And then tried to explain through tears that I had asked God to speak through him that very morning, and God had.  In a moment, just like that, I had a renewed sense of faith that I didn't even know I needed.

In case you're wondering, the answer God gave me wasn't the one I wanted.  I know that God knew my heart, and what I wanted to hear.  And I knew very clearly that He was speaking to me very directly.  Even though the answer brought me sadness at the time, there was no doubting it was the right answer, and there was so much peace in that.        

I went back as a camp counselor with the same group the following year, and we repeated the exercise.  I honestly can't remember what the phrase was the second year, but now, 12 years later, I'm still praying that same prayer..."Lord, I'm listening."

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Laundry

For the past two weeks, Gav has done the laundry at our house.  There is something about it that he loves. (I have no idea what it is). He sorts it, puts it in the machine, waits on it to finish so he can move the load to the dryer, and begins again. I haven't given him any incentive to do this and I am thoroughly enjoying it.


When he sorts the laundry, there are always questions. Mostly about tan things going in with whites, and if something should go in light or dark if it has shades of both. Last weekend, we changed clothes before we went on our date night, and I had a pair of dark jeans that I dropped on the light pile (he had already washed the dark clothes). And here we go:


Him: "Those can't go with that load, right?"


Me: "Oh, it'll be fine."


Him:  "Why is it fine?"


Me: "Well..."


And then I explained how those jeans had been washed probably 30 times or more, and they weren't going to fade in the wash and ruin the load; that it would be ok this one time to throw them in with the lighter load and get them done.


As I was explaining this, I realized...I was asking him to use discernment in washing our clothes.  He's a rule follower.  He likes to know that things are always the same.  I got annoyed.  Laundry should be easy, right?  He shouldn't have to use discernment and make judgment calls about how to do laundry!


Life is all about discernment.  That's a hard thing to explain to an eight year old.  Then I get freaked out. What other teachable moments am I missing?  Are we praying enough?  Are we praying right?  Reading our Bible enough?  Is he watching me live it out in the best way possible?  Our last few months have been great ones.  As I've grown closer to the Lord, I think I've seen him grow closer too.  Wow, so no pressure there.


So I looked up this passage and showed it to him.


Deuteronomy 6:5-9
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.  Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.


This passage doesn't speak directly to how to be discerning, but if I can show him how to love God...take Him with us everywhere we go...talk about Him...then maybe...just maybe, he'll remember that when he has to make decisions.  

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Round-robin

It's Thursday. That means staff meeting.

It's the last staff meeting before Thanksgiving. That means round-robin, everyone saying what they are thankful for.

A room full of spiritual people, who all love Jesus. Some great answers, honest and sincere.

Here is what I wanted to say:

I'm thankful for my Pastor. He is a wonderful mentor and friend. Hands down, the most long-suffering, patient, and kind man I have ever known.

I am thankful for my son. He's brilliant and innocent and compassionate and kind. I really believe he will do great things for the Kingdom.

I am thankful for our home. We have moved eight times in five years, and for the first time since we moved to Kaufman, our house is finally a home.

I am thankful for peace in my heart. It's been a long time for that one, too. To finally have peace in my life means it's not such a big deal when the copier breaks down, the postage machine needs a refill, we ran out of DVDs too soon, and the mail didn't go out so none of the Deacons got meeting reminders. All on the same day. Sometimes, life feels so filled with the noise of school and work, I am amazed that I lay down at night feeling peace, but there it is. No anxiety anymore. Just peace.

I am thankful to be able to see and hear art. Ok, this one is weird. Sometimes, music fills me up so much, I am surprised that I can't sit down at a piano and play, or sing like some of our amazing artists. But I hear it. And I see it. And I feel it draw me closer to God.

I am thankful for my friend Nikki. For the love that is so open and honest in that relationship.

I am thankful for my cousin AW. She has loved me forever, and always been so good to me.

I am thankful that this year is almost over. It has been a hard year on so many levels. 2011 is bringing obstacles, but 2010 has made me wiser, and I end this year much closer to God than when I started it.

Here is what I think I said:

"(Witty banter...joke...) um, I'm thankful for our home, and my friends in this room, and for Brent."

So, so lame.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I Don't Know The Answer

Two different people asked me last week what you say to a person who is living in darkness. Neither time I knew what to say. These two conversations involved three different people. I was in that darkness myself, just two or so months ago. And nothing my friends could say or did say made a difference, even when I knew what the truth was. By darkness, I mean knowing the truth but not being able to grasp it or apply it. I don't mean being lost or unsaved. In the context of these friendships all people are in a relationship with Christ.

So I've been thinking about this question a lot. Is there some specific thing anyone could have said to me that would have changed things? I don't think so. If there was, I am fairly certain that it was said to me at some point over the last year and a half. I have those kind of friends - who tell it to me straight up, in love, and in Jesus' name. But it never mattered. As I said, the above referenced people, myself included, all have a relationship with Christ. Throwing us into a pit and blinding us from the truth is one of the biggest tricks that Satan likes to play on us. As children of God, when we doubt His promises, His truth, His love, Satan gains a victory. As long as we are in a pit (see Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore) Satan controls our lives. I love the pit analogy that Beth uses in this book.

Anyway, the Holy Spirit really impressed on me Friday night to pray for one of these people. (As an aside, hearing from the Holy Spririt is something I really missed while being in that
pit!). So I prayed. And I felt better. I had been searching out the "right words" to say to these people based on my own experience, and wasn't coming up with anything. It isn't by my own power that I can say the right words to others and pull them up out of a pit. But when God says pray, and you pray, it's easy to see that's where the power is.

So instead of grabbing your friend by the shoulders and shaking them, it might be better if you prayed for them instead. You could always do both, but shaking someone who isn't listening is frustrating. And there is power in prayer.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday Funday

Today is Sunday.  We went to church this morning, just like we do every week.  We had a yummy roast cooking in the crock pot when we got home, making the house smell like Sundays from when I was little.  I loved coming home the house smelling like that.  After we ate, we made the couch into a bed and watched a movie.  


Now, Gavin knows I like to nap on Sunday afternoons.  He doesn't even wonder if this is going to happen. It's part of what we do.  When he asked if we could watch a movie, he wanted to know if we should do it before or after my nap.  You can judge me, but I don't feel guilty.  As I said, we made the couch into a bed, which thrilled him.  Here's the scene: the a/c is on super cold.  The ceiling fan is on.  Lights are out. Curtains drawn.  There's a blanket and pillows.  It seemed like the perfect opportunity to accomplish the movie AND the nap!  


He chose Gremlins as the movie to watch, and in between spurts of napping, what I saw had me reaching for the case to see what the movie was rated.  PG?  Really?  Are they sure?  I deemed the movie more or less harmless, but I didn't know they could say GD on the big screen in a PG movie.  


After the nap/movie, we headed outside for a water balloon fight.  Yes, just the two of us.  No, it isn't his birthday.  We were expecting rain today, but the sun was shining, so we capitalized.  After the water balloon fight (he won), we purchased selections from the ice-cream man, and then had an Easter egg hunt.  Which I guess in this case, was just an egg hunt.  At Easter, we didn't get to do the hunt, and just haven't found the time to do it since.  The only sad part was when he had to throw away all the Laffy Taffy.  He's had sealants put on his teeth in the time since Easter and Laffy Taffy isn't on the approved candy list.  Too sticky.


We had fun.  A lot of fun.  He's tentatively scheduled our next water balloon fight for tomorrow.    


So tonight I'm left wondering...how will the adventures of today translate for him when he's older?  Will it be a day that he remembers?  Will he look back and love today?  Or will it be a day he'll only remember if I tell him about it?  Will it be a good memory for him, or something that will only add to making him spoiled and insatiable when he's sixteen?  Will all he remember is that one time he hunted eggs and I made him throw away some of the candy?  


I have a friend who claims to think in colors.  Another who says they think in pictures.  Well, I think in stories.  And no matter what my circumstances are, I'm always dreaming up the happy ending to whatever story I'm in.  In this story, Gavin tells about today as an adult - maybe he uses it as a sermon illustration.  Maybe he writes about it in a book.  Maybe it's just a simple memory he shares with my grandchildren.  However the story goes, I hope Gavin remembers today, and even if he doesn't, I will.  

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Things I Need To Do

I've admitted it before, but I'll do it again.  I like to make lists.  I write things down.  Thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions...tons of stuff, and I have - at current count - six different books that I write them in.

There is one I use at work.  It mostly has work stuff in it.  Work-related tasks, ideas, reminders, etc.

There are two in my purse.  One is almost full, and one is empty.  I don't want to get caught without a place to write stuff.  These can hold sermon notes, songs and lyrics I like, shopping lists, ideas of any sort...a random thought, or feeling.

Two are in my office at home.  One is almost full of stuff I've written down over the past year.  I don't like that book.  It's a big one, and it has a lot of hurt in it.  I don't know what to do with it.  The other one is a little one that's full that I've recently taken out of my purse.  It has mostly sermon notes in it.

There's one by the side of my bed.  It's new.  It's empty.  I keep thinking I'm not going to write in that one until I have good and happy things to put into it.  I look at it a lot.  But I haven't written in it.  

I'm sitting on my couch right now, and there are so many things I need to do.  I need to mow the yard.  There are dirty dishes in the sink.  G needs to be tucked in for the night.  I need to do school work.  My car needs an oil change.  And sitting here, I know that all I'm going to do tonight is tuck G in and get back on the couch.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow.  Maybe I'll get some of those other things done then.

A Dang Good Blog

A friend told me I needed to read this:
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/08/what-men-really-need-from-women/
He was right.  I did.  

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Thirty-two

I turned 32 last month.  So far, it's not any different than 31.  I thought about my birthday a lot before it actually occurred, and I normally don't do that.  Something about this one had me thinking a lot.  What have I done?  Where am I going?  What do I want to do?  I don't have the answers to any of those questions...but I wrote some words to 32 several weeks ago...here they are:

I'm putting a lot of hope in you.  I anticipate you'll be filled with love, happiness and new adventure.  As we go through this next year, let's stay focused on Him, ok?  I must confess, I'm going to use you.  I'll use you to draw closer to God.  To grow spiritually.  To serve others.  I'm going to give stuff away.  I'm going to push you really hard to see past yourself and into the world around you - the lives and needs of others.  I expect you to not be so selfish.  I expect you to be stronger.  I expect you to love God, and love others, before yourself.  Welcome, 32.  No pressure.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

There's a Blue Dot on My Phone

There's a blue dot on my phone.  It's suppose to remind me to pray.  A friend told me to put it there.


Thoughts on prayer: anything we get from God beyond the cross is gravy.


Sometimes, I don't pray the right way:

  1. According to God's will.
  2. Based on True Need.
  3. Centered on God's Focus.
When I see the blue dot I will pray for:

People closest to me.
Requests from others.
Away from God (the lost, or drifting).  
Your enemies.

I will admit, I got stuck on the details of "Your enemies."  When you pray for your enemies, one of two things will happen.  Either a) you'll stop praying or b) they'll stop being your enemy.  You may not stop being theirs, but they won't be able to be yours any longer.  I like b.    


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Giants in the Promiseland

I read Same Kind of Different as Me during the Christmas break. It's a great book, and I recommend it to anyone who likes to laugh, cry and finish a book in two days. It's about two men - with totally different backgrounds and lifestyles, and how God brings them together and uses them for His purpose. My goal here is not to write a review of the book, which I'll end up doing if I'm not careful. What I really want to talk about is one specific part that I've been thinking about for days now.

There is a part in the book where the spouse of one of the main characters is diagnosed with cancer. As they went to bed on the night of her diagnosis, she tells her husband the story about the giants in the Promiseland. In the book of Numbers, chapter 13, Moses sends 12 spies into Canaan, (which God was giving to the Israelites) to scout out the land. When the 12 spies return, they report both good news (the land is plentiful - it flows with milk and honey) and bad news (the people there are powerful - there are even giants there). Naturally, as the Israelites had a propensity to do, they freak out and question why God has brought them that far, only to be killed by giants.

Joshua and Caleb, two of the spies, respond with this:

“The land we traveled through and explored is a wonderful land! And if the Lord is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey. Do not rebel against the Lord, and don’t be afraid of the people of the land. They are only helpless prey to us! They have no protection, but the Lord is with us! Don’t be afraid of them!”

So - the spouse in the story, diagnosed with cancer, is telling this to her husband as a source of comfort - the Lord was with them, and they didn't need to be afraid.

It got me thinking then, and every day since then...I'm really going to stretch the metaphor now...If the Promiseland is the place that God has for me (let's just say here and now - my life)...what are the giants there? What were the giants in 2009? What can I do to defeat them?

I won't list what the giants were or are (that's what most of the thinking has been about), but I also had this concept in mind as I made my resolutions for 2010. Here you go:

1. Read through the Bible this year.
2. Continue with school - goal is 5 classes by the end of the year.
3. Be a better: Mom. Friend. Servant.
4. Attitude. Fruits of the Spirit.
5. Spend less, give more.
6. Trust God. He will give me what I need, that what He has for me is better than anything I could desire, the He is in control and knows what happens to me. I don't have to worry.

What are the giants in your Promiseland?

A Staff Conversation About Commitment

I like what everyone has said about this so far - lots of different ideas about what it means to be committed in both life and to God.

Commitment comes in lots of different forms. Most often, I think of commitment in the context of a relationship. "Love is a choice" and all that stuff. Everyone who knows me knows I'm either all in or all out. Black and white. No grey area. I do commitment well (or not well) depending on how you look at it. I take commitments to heart and I hold others to the same standard. But true commitment to God means a lot more than that.

When you're committed to God, I think it means you...

...do God's will rather than your own. Things always work out better that way.

...don't quit. There are times I want to quit certain things out of frustration - I'm too busy, it doesn't seem worth it, I just plain don't want to do whatever "it" is. But there is an intense amount of satisfaction coming through on the other side, knowing I didn't quit whatever it was - and I feel like it honors God when I follow through.

...make it a full-time gig. Am I committed when no one is looking? Do I stay committed with the things I put into my mind and heart - music, movies, people, places? What does my bank account show I'm committed to? Does the way I spend my spare time say I'm committed to God or the world?

Father, in the new year, help us to be committed to You. Give us strength to be not only hearers, but also doers of your Word. Thank you for loving us, even when we are not true to ourselves or to You.