The Lie

There is a lie I tell myself. It is the same lie and I tell it over and over. And I've told myself this lie for years. I like to paint. Except I don't.

Seriously. Does anyone like to paint? Professional painters are miserable, right? Every time I decide I need to paint a room, the same thing happens. I'm in hog heaven picking out colors and planning and matching and decorating. But then it comes time to get out the painters tape and that old feeling creeps in. How I'm gonna get paint in my hair, ruin a set of clothes, not have a paper towel when I need one, and probably run out of paint before its done.

These are the mistakes I usually make:

Not buying Behr paint. Its really the best and yesterday for my paint project, I went to Ace. *Regret.

Not getting everything I need together before I start. I need a paper towel. I need some music. I need a drink. I need the toolbox.

I get put out with it before I'm done and start trying to apply coats on top of not-dry coats.

Not taping everything off because I think, "Oh, that doesn't look that hard."

Recently, when staying in a house belonging to some friends, I told them I would finish up some painting for them. I even said, "Oh, I don't mind! I love to paint!" Then I had an out-of-body experience where I looked at myself and said incredulously, "No you don't!". I'm ridiculous.

I thought about this the whole time I was painting Gavin's bathroom. And finally when I was done, I realized why I do it. When it was all complete, everything was put back and finished up, I stopped and stood in the doorway of the bathroom about ten times admiring how much better it was. From crimson red to a very pale yellow. Much better. It was all about the end result.

Behind Every Fantasy

I have a lot of books to read the next three weeks before school starts again. I should finish The Heart of the Artist tomorrow and move on to one of five more books I'm going to try and get through. I read this tonight:

Behind Every Fantasy

Fooled again. What I thought was paradise
Turned out to be nothing more than lies
I've learned my lesson, now I read between the lines
'Cause the truth is sometimes hard to find

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

Peace of mind for tomorrow and today
All depends on the choices that we make
All that glitters is not always gold
And what's hidden eventually gets told

Behind every fantasy
Is a harsh reality
And what looks good to me
May not always be the best for me
If I'm tempted to go along
With what I know is wrong
Help me see the reality
Behind every fantasy

- Rory Noland

Christmas Movies

We have watched a lot of Christmas movies this season. Elf, Fred Clause, Snow Buddies, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Polar Express...those are the ones we watched together. And of course I watched It's a Wonderful Life. And we have seen scores of Christmas specials from our friends on Disney and Nickelodeon. Well, tonight I got it in my head that I wanted to watch The Passion of the Christ.

That didn't go over too well at first. Gav was quick to point out that, "we've already seen that movie!" To which I responded with a dead stare. Seriously, how many times have we seen the episode of iCarly where Spencer starts pranking people and can't stop? Or the one where the gang gets locked in a crazy girls basement? Or the one where they go out in the woods looking for Bigfoot? We have seen those a lot. A lot lot. That doesn't even include repeat episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place, Big Time Rush or Hannah Montana. So I just gave him the look.

And then he said, "I thought we were going to watch a Christmas movie?"

Me: Who is The Passion about?

Him: Jesus

Me: Who is Christmas about?

Him: Jesus. (This he said with resignation, because he realized I had won.)

Me: Great, let's watch it.

I know I get accused of "throwing blood on the manger," but the cradle and the cross just go together if you ask me. I'm happy to throw swaddling clothes on the cross at Easter if that makes anyone feel better.

I love watching The Passion with Gavin. Love it. He asks so many questions. How long did it take? Why is she crying? Why are they doing that? We look stuff up. We compare texts. We talk about how we might have felt if we had been there.

This time was different from when we watched it at Easter, because he exclaimed at things. He really responded to what he saw. And it was awesome to see how much he remembered from the last time. I had explained to him about death by crucifixion, and he told me all about it. He remembered other things too, and asked me about them.

So we discussed tonight how Christ came for a reason. He was born that we may have life. Not just born for you or Gav, or the right, or the strong, or the good, or the smart...but for all of us sinners who don't deserve what he did.

Beauty for Ashes

The blog needed a name.  It's just had my name on it since I created it.  I have thought for a long time about it, and really hoped for something witty, catchy or creative.  God gave me a verse instead.

Does this every happen to you, where a verse will pop into your head, and you can't really remember the whole context of it or where it is?  And then later, you think of it again...and still don't remember all the details, until finally you think of it one more time, and look it up?  That's what happened to me.  I finally looked up beauty for ashes.  The heading over this chapter in my Bible says, "Good News for the Oppressed."

Let me be clear.  I am not oppressed.  I do not feel sorry for myself.  Maybe the last few years have been hard, but like I've said in the past, even when I don't feel like I'm choosing God, I believe He is always choosing me.

I do subscribe to Beth Moore's analogy of the pit.  I have been thrown into one, but I've also slid in and jumped in as well.  And there is no where I've gone or anything I've done that God hasn't lifted me out of it.  I have celebrated her book, Get Out of that Pit and I also celebrated Elevation Church's album Kingdom Come.  I've loved those this year, as they have reminded me of God's promises.

Last Thursday night at Chris Tomlin's Christmas concert, Louie Giglio reminded me one more time about how good God is.  He made a statement about how there were people in the room who were dreading this Christmas.  That for some, it would be the first Christmas without a loved one.  For some, it would be Christmas without a job.  For others, the first Christmas with cancer.  For others still, the first Christmas alone since a divorce.  But God became flesh and dwelt among us - and that no matter where we are, there is no place that His arm can't reach us.

Anyway, what a lot of rambling.  All that to say, part of what God does is heal the brokenhearted.  He gives us beauty for ashes.  Joy instead of sadness.  And I'll let that be my story and testify to how He always does that for me.

What I've Learned

The last six months of my job have been amazing.  It has been difficult...at times very difficult.  I like to plan out my days (ok, my week) in advance, and it seldom (ever?) happens that they go the way I've planned.  I used to joke up about how inflexible I am, and would try to keep my cool when changes came.  Over these past months, I can honestly say I've gotten better at this - learning to juggle and move things around without getting bent out of shape.  I never know when there will be a funeral, a sudden hospital visit, a mobile meeting...God has stretched me in SO many ways this year.  I have learned to wake up every morning and just pray that I can be a ministry to someone and that the fruits of the spirit will be strong in me.  I take it a day at a time.

I've learned more technical stuff than I knew my brain could hold.  How to run a sound board (mostly), many new software programs and apps, and more things about computers and projectors and cameras and microphones than I even knew was possible.  I've learned that most of the technical/electronical things have at least three names.  It's been like learning a new language.  I've heard the english language is the most difficult to learn because we have so many different ways of saying the same thing.  That's what this has been like.  And I've learned that while I previously didn't know what I didn't know, at least now I know mostly what I don't know.  Ha.

I've learned what it's like to be a woman in what is usually a man's role.  It's been entertaining watching the men around me adjust and we have all learned how to communicate and work together.  I have been so blessed in that everyone has been so Christ-like.  While I have struggled with feeling "good enough," I have constantly been encouraged by everyone on the team, from the volunteers to the paid staff.  While I do threaten to cry if they yell at me, I've never had to resort to such a tactic.

I've learned that no matter how independent I am, I can't do my job without the team.  A large part of the team was already in place by the time I came along, and they are fabulous.  They give of their time when they are tired and have no time to give.  They encourage me, tell me to calm down, and maybe best of all, they laugh with me.  There is so much laughter on our team.  Occasionally, we even have to cry together when friends get bad news and we don't understand it.  Slowly, I've been working on building other aspects of our team beyond the people we need every week, and that has been fun too.  It seems almost every day I get to ask someone to do something, and I love watching new people get involved.

I've learned to express every idea, even when I'm scared they might be lame.  I have one friend who I run everything by, just for encouragement, because they ALWAYS tell me good things about my ideas. I have another friend who loves to talk about ideas and can always put a spin on things.  I have a leader who always pushes for bigger and better and tells me we can always do whatever it is that I think we can't.

I've learned how to balance the different aspects of my job.

I've learned that I love it more than I ever knew I would.

I've learned to hold my plans loosely.  Both personally, and at work.  "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord.  "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8-9

Christmas Shopping 2010

Our day of Christmas shopping, eating out and playing at the park got off to a slow start.  We slept in because Gavin was sick last night.  He had to come home early yesterday.  He was coughing and running fever.  Breathing treatments every four hours seem to be helping, and he got a lot of rest.

We left the house today around 1pm and he chose Applebee's for lunch.  Afterwards, he said, "I wish I hadn't chosen Applebee's."  Me too.

In the Applebee's parking lot, I dropped my phone on the ground and shattered the back of it.  Shattered.  As in, a glass shard was sticking out of my thumb.  That kind of shattered.  We went straight to the Apple store on Knox.  It.  Was.  Insane.  I had never seen it so packed.  All that being said, we got in and out in about 45 minutes, and it really wasn't a horrible experience.  The salesmen all seemed to appreciate my quick wit and charm.

From there, we hit up NP.  That's short for North Park, which I LOVE.  Picked up some Sperry Topsiders for G, swung by the Lego store, Gap and Bath & Body Works...and Gavin asked if this is the place with the dessert I love.  I was confused...yes, I love most desserts, but I didn't remember NP having anything special for me...and then he described it..."It's round, and it's like cake and it has a big glob of icing in the middle."  Ahh, yes.  The Banana Baby Bundt cake from Corner Bakery.  You had me at hello.  So we picked up one of those as well.  After NP, we went to Elizabeth Arden and picked up a few more gifts and headed home.

We finished off the evening with a movie.  I wanted Beauty & the Beast, he wanted Shrek.  He might be a "momma's boy", but he's still a guy.  We agreed to flip back and forth, but he had the remote, so you can guess how that went.  Then we made Muddy Buddies and wrapped gifts.

It was a great day, and I have been thinking it over...normally, I hate crowds.  I rank large crowds right up there with hating sin and the devil.  The crowds stress me out because I don't feel safe.  Too many strangers.  And while I don't hate traffic, I definitely don't like looking for a parking space for twenty minutes.  People were edgy.  They were either moving very slowly or very quickly as they walked through the mall.  It seemed as if everyone was impatient and hungry and had to go to the bathroom.  But Gavin and I had a great time.  We were in no hurry, had no agenda and felt like we were doing what we wanted.  It seemed that no sales person or stranger looked me in the eye until I said hello and asked them how they were.  I hope we made a difference in someone's day.  We were so chipper, it felt like we were spreading Christmas cheer.  I love spending my day off with him.

I Need Two Open Windows!

I've stopped saying my name when I answer the phone at the office. I just say, "First Baptist Church!" People ALWAYS think I'm Kay Miller, and launch into questions and giving information, and I have no idea what they're talking about. It usually ends with me saying, "Oh, you must be looking for Kay Miller! Please hold..." But there is always confusion.

Last Tuesday was no different, except for the fact that Kay Miller was out when I answered the phone for my daily dose of mistaken identity. Here's the scene: imagine it is your grandma on the phone. She can't hear you. She's talking really loudly. You have no clue what she's talking about. There is mass confusion.

Me: First Baptist Church!

Your Grandma: Kay! I need two open windows!

Me: (Knowing I am not the Kay she thinks I am). Um. Ok. What is that? (with a smile in my voice, just like Kay Mil would have).

Your Grandma: I need two open windows!

Me: (Trying to think fast, because it is SO like Kay Miller to go to someone's house and open their windows for them. I would do it, but it was 50 degrees outside, and aren't Grandmas usually cold? Confused...). Ok, I guess I don't know what that is.

Your Grandma: Open windows!

Me: Ok, I'll tell Kay you called.

Your Grandma: Ok, honey. Tell her to leave them at the welcome center!

Thank goodness there was someone in the office to explain to me that open windows are actually Open Windows. Quarterly devotion books. I laughed myself silly on that one.

The next day, a very familiar face came by and asked for an Open Window. I told him the story and we had a good laugh. But then I sat down thinking, I didn't even know what that was a day ago. Why am I getting all the Open Windows people? I'm trying to listen to the Holy Spirit. So now, I'm reading Open Windows. But hey, they're short. And large print. Awesome!