The One About Radicalis

Deep sigh.  This always happens to me.  I dig my heels in and end up feeling ridiculous.

It was decided at the office that some of the staff would watch Radicalis (a live webcast of a church conference in California) on the big screen in the Sanctuary.  I knew it coming in to work on Tuesday.  And I was grumpy about it.  I felt like a four year old on the inside, and while I knew I was being ridiculous, I couldn't really stop it.  I wanted to stomp my feet.  I grumbled about how much stuff I had to do.  I said snarky things (more so than usual).  But I still set everything up, and was in my seat at the appointed time.

I sat down in my chair and was at first annoyed because instead of getting right to the speaking, there was 30 minutes of worship first.  UGH, why was I so aggravated?  I LOVE worship, and it was lead by Gungor, who I like.  I fidgeted.  I huffed.  I looked at my iPad.  This was bordering on an all-out tantrum.

That's when it happened.  God punched me between the eyes.  (That makes me laugh).  It is probably better to describe it like this:  Kay Warren came out and began to speak and I realized she was quite literally speaking directly to me.  It was as if God was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders.  She said, "God is never ashamed of you, no matter what you've done."  And while I know this, I needed someone with some authority to say it over me.

Ok, so God was still standing behind me, hands on my shoulders.  I felt like he was saying, "See?  I knew what you needed.  Here you go.  Now be still and listen."  I felt all my anxiety easing out of me, and relaxed.  I stopped worrying about the things that weren't getting done and realized God had a bigger appointment for me, and that I was in it.  Kay said, "You need to know in the depth of your soul that you are God's beloved."  Yes, yes I am.  I sat there feeling silly about my fit, no matter how much I had internalized it...chin dropping toward my chest, hair falling in my face, because there were people sitting on both sides of me, and I was trying not to lose it.  Sitting there trying to hide my feelings was silly too, because when it was over and we discussed it, my friends knew what I was feeling anyway.

It was a great week with Radicalis, dreaming up ideas, planning and looking forward.  Was it any wonder that night in my daily Bible reading I read Mark 5, and the speaker the following morning preached out of Mark 5?  No, it isn't any wonder.